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My Riley.
She’s pregnant.
It’s not mine.
I don’t stop running until I reach the waterfall that Clayton and I hiked to when we first got here. That seems like so long ago when, in reality, it was only a few months ago. It feels like a lifetime without her.
Falling onto the grass, I close my eyes and let the sound of the rushing water soothe me. It’s almost dark, but not so much that I can’t see the journal or its pages. I want to call her and talk to her. No, I want to drive to her house, beat on her front door, and beg her to talk to me. I can’t do either, so I resort to the journal.
Riley,
You’re pregnant.
There is a hole in my chest at the thought of you moving on without me.
I’m sorry.
I’m so fucking sorry. I should have told you what you meant to me. I should have told you that I loved you in person. That night, hell, years ago. I should never have fallen asleep until you knew what that night meant to me.
It was everything.
You are everything.
And now you’re going to be a mom.
You let a man who’s not me inside you, and I don’t know how I feel about that. I want to hate you for it. No, that’s not right. I could never hate you. There is too much love for you inside me for that to ever happen. I do want to be mad at you, but I can’t help but feel as though I can only blame myself. I didn’t tell you what it all meant to me, what you meant to me.
I still can’t tell you. Not outside of this fucking journal.
It’s the best I’ve got, and I need to say the words.
I love you, Riley.
Hudson
Slamming the journal closed, I close my eyes once again and concentrate on the sound of the water crashing against the earth. I replay the kiss with Riley on her front step and then the after-party. I was buzzed, but I was in no way too wasted to know or remember what I was doing. I’ve replayed that night over and over in my head every day since it happened.
“I miss you, Riles,” I whisper into the night. The ache deep in my chest intensifies with every breath. She’s having a baby with a man who’s not me. I swallow thickly past the lump that’s growing in my throat.
Raven said that the dad isn’t in the picture. What kind of douche did she get herself involved with? How could he possibly not want his child? Not want Riley? I would give anything to be in his shoes right now.
Opening my eyes, I stare up at the starlit sky. “What did I do?” I ask the universe. “What have I done in this life for this to happen? I love you.” My hand forms a fist, and I beat it against my chest, over my heart. “She lives right here.” My voice cracks. The pain of losing her is almost unbearable.
I know that lying out here in the dark staring up at the sky, cursing the universe, isn’t going to do a damn thing for me. Slowly, I climb to my feet, my journal clutched in my hand, and walk back to the shack.
“You good?” Clayton asks when I enter.
I shake my head. Although it makes me a pussy, I can’t speak for fear of losing control of my emotions. I blink hard, once, twice, three times to keep the tears at bay.
“I’m sorry, man,” he whispers.
I give myself a few minutes to get under control before nodding. “Me too.” I roll to my side, close my eyes, and will myself to fall asleep.
My mind won’t shut down. I see red when I think of another man having his hands on her. I don’t know what to do with this anger. I don’t know how to deal. I’m still clutching the journal tight to my chest, and it’s as if it’s my lifeline. Reaching into my bag, I find the small flashlight before I open the journal forcefully and begin to write.
Riley,
I can’t stop thinking about him touching you, about him seeing you when your entire body is flushed from pleasure. I can’t stomach the thought of someone other than me being inside you.
How could you?
I know you didn’t know, but come on, Riles. This is me. Did you really think I would risk our friendship? Did you think that I would risk my friendship with your sister for a fuck? Surely you know me better than that?
I’m so fucking angry, and I don’t know how to control it. I’m pissed off, and at the same time, all I want to do is hold you. I want to be there for you and your baby. That fucker doesn’t deserve you. Either of you.
