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Hudson
Slamming the journal shut, I toss it, the flashlight, and pen back into my bag and shove it under my bed. I pound at my pillow a few times and stare into the darkness. Everything I thought I knew has now shifted. I planned on going back and fighting for her. For us. I wasn’t going to stop until everyone we knew understood how much I loved her. I was going to stop hiding this longing and need I had for her. The longing and need that has grown with each passing day. But now there’s a baby to think about. She’s going to be a mom.
I always pictured us having a family one day. One we created out of love, but here we are. I don’t know what to do with these emotions. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do now. Will she want me? Has she really moved on? I mean, she’s having a baby with someone else. If I was unsure before, now I know that leaving was the wrong decision. Once again, I’ve failed her. I should have stayed and made sure she understood what that night meant. It changed everything, and now here I am in another country while she’s moving on.
The pain slices through me like a knife. A part of me wants to leave. To run out on my commitment and race home to her. He’s not there for her. She’s pregnant and alone. This isn’t how this was supposed to happen. That was supposed to be us. That was supposed to be my baby. I should be there taking care of them, loving them.
Closing my eyes, I see her so clearly, it’s as if she is standing right here in front of me. “I love you, Riles,” I whisper just before sleep finally claims me.
CHAPTER 15
Riley
“I can’t believe that in eight more weeks, we get to meet him,” Raven says, reaching over to rub my belly.
We’re at my baby shower, which is also my living room. My sister, the genius that she is, decided it would be easier not to have to haul all the gifts home. The guys volunteered their services, but Raven was set on my place. I didn’t have a preference either way. So here we are in my living room surrounded by our friends, a few clients, and our friends’ moms. I fight back the tears welling in my eyes when I think about how many people showed up to shower my baby boy with love and gifts.
There has been sadness hanging in the air today. Neither Raven nor I have talked about it, but we’re both missing our mom today. I wish she could be here. I know she would have been overjoyed to find out she was going to be a grandma.
“I know,” I agree. “These next eight weeks are going to drag on.”
“Have you thought of names?” Darcey asks.
“There are so many that I love. I almost feel like I need to meet him first. I know that makes me sound crazy.”
“Not at all,” April is quick to assure me. “I’ve heard many people say that.”
“I have a really long list.” I chuckle. “I need to narrow it down.”
“Oh my, look at you,” Janice Fleming, Hudson’s mom, leans down and gives me a hug where I’m sitting in the new rocking recliner I bought for the baby and me. “You’re glowing,” she gushes.
“Hi, Janice.” I smile up at her, feeling the strings wrapped around my heart tug just a little. I want so badly to tell her that this is her grandson I’m carrying, but if her son doesn’t want anything to do with him and won’t claim him, how can I do that? I don’t want my baby boy to feel the rejection that his father’s silence has made me feel.
“I know we aren’t to presents yet, but I wanted to give you one of mine early.” She hands me a gift bag with baby boy written all over it in blue. “It’s special, sentimental, and well, I just wanted to explain that before the hoopla of the rest of the shower starts.”
“Thank you, Janice,” I say over the emotions threatening to clog my throat. Reaching into the bag through the tissue paper, I pull out a crochet blanket. It’s a mix of dark and light blues, and it’s stunning. “Wow. Did you make this?”
She smiles. “I did. With the help of my mother when I first found out I was pregnant with Hudson.”
Oh. My. God.
“That was Hudson’s?” Raven asks.
“It was,” Janice states proudly.
Neither one of them are aware of the pain slicing through my chest right now. “I-I can’t accept this. He should” I swallow hard. “He should have this for his kids.” The words feel like acid rolling off my tongue.
“Nonsense. I picked up making them easily, and I have several. A tote full.” Janice laughs. “I want each of you girls to have one.” She looks at Raven. “I have one for you too. Unless either of you ever has little girls. Then I’ll just have to make new ones. I know you are both so close to my Hudson, and I know if he were here, he’d want you to have this,” Janice assures me.
