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It takes a long time.
“I don’t know what to do,” I say when I finally manage to speak and pull away enough to look at his face.
“Plenty of time to think about that, Cass. Take it minute by minute right now.”
“It could be anyone’s…” I tell him, pointing out the obvious.
He doesn’t flinch, or look disgusted. His gaze is strong and his hands are firm on my arms. A rock in front of me.
A horrible flood of the faces of the people who fucked me flash through my mind. Some of them nothing more than a drunken haze. Some of them I wouldn’t even be able to pick out of a line up.
It really could be anyone’s. Ant’s most likely, but any of the men who have been in that room with me. Fuck, it could even be Lee’s.
Anyone’s but Gerwyn’s.
This is the very opposite of the dream I’ve had since I was a little girl with my very first doll – pushing her around in a little plastic pushchair, pretending to be a mummy. I imagined I’d be leaping up and down with a man I loved as we celebrated our great news, not sobbing on the floor in a sexual health clinic.
I put a hand on my stomach, still struggling to comprehend it. But on that very first contact there’s no doubt. I’m going to keep the baby. My baby.
Gerwyn sees my expression, and puts his hand over mine in one of the most beautiful gestures I’ve ever felt.
“I’ll be right there with you, Cass,” he tells me. “In whatever context, I don’t care, but I’ll be right there with you. No matter what.”
My God, that makes me sob all the more. Happy and sad, both at once.
My words sound blurry and choked as I pull him close.
“I wish I’d met you first…”
He kisses my forehead.
“Me too.”
I wrap my arms around his neck and we stay there together, time meaning nothing. I hear the nurse tap at the door and take a look, but she leaves us to it, and there we stay.
It’s a long time before Gerwyn speaks.
“We can do whatever you want, Cass. We can go wherever you want to go. Bucklebury, the Outer Hebrides, New Zealand. I don’t care.”
“Bucklebury,” I say straight off, knowing that’s exactly where I want to be. “But I need to go somewhere else first.”
I’ve still got the shitty engagement ring on my finger, but it won’t be there much longer. The diamond that was nothing more than a pawn in Ant’s game.
“Can we go back to the house, please?” I ask. “I need to have a conversation with him.”
Gerwyn doesn’t look happy at that idea, but I touch his cheek.
“He’s not going to be changing my mind,” I tell him. “Nothing will. I just want to see him face to face, one last time.”
“Cass, it doesn’t have to be like that.”
“I know,” I say. “But I need it. I need to confront him in person. Please. This is my choice. I need to start making them for myself.”
He wavers, worried for me, but after a few seconds he nods.
“Of course. I’ll take you wherever you want to go. I’ll be waiting right by the front door though, and if anything escalates…”
“I know,” I say. “Thank you. It shouldn’t take long.”
“And then we’ll be off to Bucklebury?”
“Yeah. Then we’ll be off to Bucklebury. The conversation with my parents is going to be an interesting one.”
That’s an understatement. I let out a tiny laugh, and Gerwyn gives one in return. Even now, there is humour in our friendship. It’s a sliver of sunlight in a tornado of shit.
I go through with the examination and the swab, and this time Gerwyn is alongside me, holding my hand.
“We’ll let you know the results soon,” the nurse says, and wishes me well.
I walk out of the clinic with my hand in Gerwyn’s so naturally, even in the most extreme of circumstances. He opens the car door and I get in. My hand touches my stomach and stays there.
I’m going to have a baby. My God. I’m going to have a baby.
The journey is silent but it’s not uncomfortable with Gerwyn in the driver’s seat. My sobs ease, gently. He’s a rock beside me, and he’ll be with me, wherever we go.
Thank the universe for its kindness, in the most savage of circumstances.
I feel sick again when we climb the hill road, but my resolve is strong. The gates swing open and sure enough, Ant’s car is outside.
“Here we go,” I say in a breath.
It’s the only breath I’m able to take before Ant appears on the porch, still dressed for the office. As gorgeous as ever, but forever tainted by the truth.
Gerwyn gets out of the car before me and stands to face him. There is another stand-off between them, the crusader and the liar at loggerheads in an unspoken battle, but the crusader has already won. Ant just doesn’t know it yet.
