AllFreeNovel
Share Us
WINTER
It isn’t justMason’s stare on me; I can feel the weight of everyone else’s eyes on me too. Even though they think I’m not paying attention, I can see them from beneath my lashes. They’re looking at me as though they’re waiting for something else to happen, like maybe I’ll have another mental breakdown.
As soon as we got on the plane, I went into the bedroom to grab a change of clothes. Since I came back to my seat, they’ve all been sneaking glances at me.
I feel like some kind of science experiment under their watchful gazes and it’s making me twitchy. Deep down I know they’re just looking out for me, seeing as I attempted suicide a few hours ago, but I need some space away from them, you know?
Eventually, when it gets too much for me, I get out of my seat and walk past everyone back to the small bedroom on the plane. This is one of the perks of having your own private plane I guess, though even this doesn’t make me happy.
Now that we’re going back to Ravenwood, I feel empty. I’m not sure if I want to stop feeling this way because it’s an added layer for me to use to keep everyone away. I use the bathroom and when I’m done, I look at myself in the mirror yet again. I can’t seem to stop doing that, and I don’t know why every time I look, I think my reflection will be different.
I wonder if I’ll ever be able to look in the mirror and see the girl I once knew. She’s so far removed from the one looking back at me that sometimes it brings on a wave of sadness I wish would just go away.
I can see the exhaustion and tiredness in my face from all the stress I’ve put myself through these last few weeks, though it wasn’t intentional. Things have just gotten out of hand.
I really should start seeing a therapist for all this baggage I’ve been dealing with, but I’ve reached the point where I don’t care. I just want everything to end so I don’t have to suffer anymore.
My friends are there for me, but it doesn’t really help. I’ve kept my distance from them because of the secret I’m still keeping. What a disaster!
When I can’t bearto look at myself anymore because of all the ugliness I see, I punch the small mirror, and it cracks before shattering to pieces at my feet. Ah, that looks more to my liking and more like me—something that should’ve been whole but is nothing more than pieces now.
I wish someone would have told me that loving someone so fiercely would end up causing me nothing but undeniable pain. Although, like anyone else who has ever been in love before, if someone had told me that shit, I probably wouldn’t have listened. Mason was the only thing I saw and the only person I wanted.
I step out of the small bathroom and some turbulence causes me to sway on my feet. I move to sit on the edge of the bed with my elbows on my knees and head in my hands, trying to think for a second and make sense of my life.
I need all these feelings inside me to disappear. They’re tormenting me with no way to expel them from my system. I’m deep in my thoughts when I hear the door to the room open. I stay in my position without looking up. A second later, I know exactly who it is when Riley speaks without waiting for me to acknowledge her.
“Why didn’t you tell me you were this deep inside your head? You looked me in the eyes and said you were okay!” she snaps at me with hurt in her voice. Okay, so I guess she’s not waiting and we’re doing this right here, right now.
“Can we talk about this later? I don’t feel like getting into a heart-to-heart right now,” I mutter but she’s not having it.
“No! We’re fucking talking about this now! I’m not giving you the chance to avoid me and let you go back to doing dumb shit!” she bellows, her voice raising an octave higher than it normally is.
“Ugh, fine! Why must you be a bitch right now when I’m fragile?” I snap.
“I’m being a bitch for caring about my best friend? Seriously, don’t make me smack you!”
“I didn’t want you or anyone to worry and I had no intention of doing that… it just sort of happened,” I mumble, trailing off, seeing as I don’t know what else to say.
“Doing what? Attempting suicide? Yeah, shit like that doesn’t just happen! Do you have any fucking idea how devastated we were when we found you on that bathroom floor, passed out and covered in fucking blood?” she practically screams at me, but there’s also a hint of hurt and pain in her voice. I feel even shittier than I was feeling before.
“Life would be so much better for people if I wasn’t there anymore,” I murmur in a soft voice. I’m not sure she heard but I guess she did as she spits her next words at me.
“Don’t be fucking stupid, Winter! Think about all the people who give a fuck instead of the ones who don’t. Do you think your father would be happy to see you like this?” she shrieks. Okay, that was a low fucking blow, but I guess I deserve it.
“I don’t know what you want me to say! Shit happens and sometimes people fall off the wagon. We can’t all have a perfect life like you!” I scream at her. I know I’m being a bitch, but I can’t help it right now.
“Well, people like you can’t fucking afford to fall off the wagon! You think my life is perfect? If only you fucking knew! You’re supposed to come to your fucking best friends when you’re going through shit!” she yells at me.
I’m pretty sure everyone is wondering what the hell is going on in here since she’s practically screaming out her frustrations at me.
“What the fuck do you want me to tell you? Do you want me to tell you how fucking stupid I am? That even though he torments me, like the fucking idiot I am, I still love the asshole deep down inside? Do you want me to tell you that even though I know he hates me, if he said he wanted me tomorrow, I’d go back to him like a fucking ninny again? That he fucked me in that bathroom without caring about all the words he said to me or the way he treated me, but I’m still holding out hope for something that’s been burned to fucking ashes ‘cause I’m just as fucked up and damaged as he is. Is that what you want to fucking hear? About how fucking pathetic I am? As much as I know how bad he is for me, I can’t let go,” I scream, my chest heaving by the time I’m done spilling all that shit to her.
“Yes! I want you to tell me about all those fucked-up feelings you have, you fucking bitch! I’m supposed to be your best fucking friend! Don’t forget we were the ones who were there for you while you were having a mental breakdown and were in the psychiatric ward. You’re letting that shit happen again!” she yells right back at me.
“Well, nobody asked you to be there!” I snap at her.
“Are you fucking kidding me right now? You’re acting like a fucking bitch because I don’t want to see my best friend go down that road again? You’re a heartless bitch who doesn’t care about anyone else but herself! You probably did fucking cheat on him! With your actions as of late, I wouldn’t be surprised anymore—” She stops short and gasps when she realizes what she just said. But it’s too late. Her words make me snap.
