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“Riley! Don’t make me go back there. I can’t!” I wail again, begging her to not let them take me back there.
The thought of going back to that house after what happened there and what I tried to do to myself is making my panic rise. It feels like I’m suffocating. To protect myself, my brain starts to shut down and I start to block everything out.
It’s the only way I know how to act like things don’t bother me. The only way to not fall apart when I feel like I’m cracking at the seams of my being and don’t want anyone else to witness me crumbling to pieces.
“Okay, okay, we’re not going back there. Where do you want to go?” she asks in a soft voice while stroking my hair as she tries to get me to calm down.
“Airport,” I manage to gasp out.
She gives Royce a nod and then we start driving again. Once we get to the airport, we head straight to the private lounge my plane is usually kept at whenever we come here. I’m still wearing just Mason’s coat, so the girls run out to look for shoes for me. A few minutes later, they come back with some flats. It’ll have to do for now. I’m content with Mason’s coat since it’s halfway down my thighs and I have clothes on the plane. I’ll change into that once we board.
I’m too exhausted to do anything so Mason talks to the people in charge. I’m guessing someone called ahead to let them know we’ll need the plane today. When he walks back over to everyone, he lets us know that they’ll be ready to fly us back to Ravenwood in about two hours.
I walk away from everyone, go to the windows, and sit there staring at the runway until it’s time to go. I guess they must know I need some time alone because none of them try to talk to me and I don’t say another word to anyone either. But I can feel their eyes on me from time to time.
My mind is all over the place and I feel the pain in my arm coming back. The pain meds must be wearing off now. I pull back the sleeves of his coat until it reaches my elbows and lift both my arms out in front of me to look at what I did. I can’t see anything because they're wrapped in bandages, but I know the damage that will be there when it’s unwrapped. A wave of crippling sadness washes over me, but I try to push it back down. I can’t fall apart here. When I let my hands fall back into my lap, I turn and look up, my eyes connecting with Mason’s green ones.
I can’t discern what his expression means, and I don’t have the energy to try, but I know mine is conveying all the pain I’m feeling. I have to look away when it becomes too much to deal with.
When we finally get on the plane, I take a window seat and stare out the window without saying anything. I’m numb.
I’m shutting down from everything and everyone because it’s the only way to not die inside anymore. I can still feel Mason’s stare on me, but I don’t turn to look at him. I can’t. The humiliation and self-loathing I feel for myself when he looks at me makes my chest feel like it’s caving in on me.
It always feels like I’m screaming for him to see me, to remember what we were like together. I’m silently begging him to remember how much I loved him and how he knew me better than anyone ever did, to know that I never would have betrayed him.
I’m screaming on the inside for him to not hate me anymore, but all he ever shows me are those green pools of his, filled with hatred. I’m slowly dying but no one seems to ever notice.
How did we go from loving each other to being so toxic that one of us almost died? If this is what love is like, then I don’t want to be in love ever again in this lifetime or the next.
