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WINTER
I let outa scream and pound the steering wheel of my car just to get rid of some of the emotional grief that’s taking over right now. I’m sitting here in my car, in the parking lot of the Ravenwood cemetery.
Putting both of my hands on the steering wheel, I rest my head on top of it and just sit like that for a while. I’m trying to get my bearings and get my emotions under control so that I can push through the pain of what I know will be coming soon—seeing the casket.
It hasn’t been a good day so far. The paparazzi were all over my building this morning. I guess it’s safe to say they know where I live now. After Mason dragged me out of the restaurant last night causing a spectacle, we’ve been trending.
The only reason I know that is because Adley and Riley both texted me to let me know what was going on. I didn’t bother to look at what was being said, I was already emotionally drained, and I knew it wouldn’t be anything good.
I don’t have the time to think about what they’re saying because I need to be strong for Marnie when they get here. From where I’m parked, I have the perfect view of where Martin is going to be buried and my heart aches at the thought of him being placed and left in there.
Life will have to go on without him in it and that causes more pain to ignite inside me. It’s true when they say that family isn’t always blood. You’ll come across people in your life who will become a part of the family you create, regardless of the fact that they aren’t blood. Today, I feel that more than ever.
As much as I wanted to be brave and strong, when it came down to it, I couldn’t go to the church. I couldn’t sit through the service; the thought of it was too much to bear. It also brought back memories of having to do the same with my own father and the crushing pain that followed was too much to handle.
So, I decided to only come to the cemetery. The fact that I showed up at all will just have to be enough. I hope that wherever he is, he appreciates the fact that I didn’t just abandon him.
A few minutes later, I see a few cars drive into the cemetery and I clean my face from all the crying I was doing earlier. I leave my phone in the center console and put on my sunglasses before stepping out of my car.
I wore a black body con dress that ends at the knees and a blazer along with a pair of black pumps and my hair up in a bun. Simple and classy, but that doesn’t matter because the moment people see me, they’re staring.
I hate having that reaction from them, like I’m some sort of alien they can’t help looking at and talking about. All I want is to be able to live life freely without all the scrutinization and judgments. I slowly make my way to where the setup for the coffin is, and I’m almost there when the hearse comes in.
I stop right where I am and watch as the men take the coffin out of the hearse and proceed to place it on the stand over the grave that’s already been dug.
I continue walking and ignore everyone around me. I’d rather just stay inside my own bubble until all of this is over.
“Hi, Marnie,” I say as I walk to stand next to her. I give her a hug and she returns it, instantly bursting into tears. “I’m sorry I wasn’t at the service. It was just… too much,” I say, finishing lamely. She must understand what I mean because she hugs me tighter to her. This… this feels like a mom’s hug. Even though I should be the one comforting her, she’s doing it for me, and I love her all the more for it. If I could have chosen my mom, I’d have chosen her for sure. Whenever I’m around her, I feel all the love my own mother never gave to me.
I’m only apologizing because I know she noticed I wasn’t there. And I’m not saying that because I want to sound all important. No, I’m saying that because they were like a second family to me and that’s why I know she noticed I wasn’t there.
“Hush, it’s alright, dear. I understand. No one, especially someone as sweet and caring as you, should have to do this twice and for that I’m sorry,” she tells me, and I feel myself getting choked up instantly. Her words hit me and, man, I don’t want to cry again!
She shouldn’t even be apologizing. I feel like I should be the one doing that because this is all my fault. I can’t help but think that maybe if he wasn’t close to me then he wouldn’t have died. No one would have targeted him. A new wave of guilt and sadness washes over me as I look at her.
Someone walks over to her to get her attention and I gladly use the opportunity to move further back and away from everyone. There’s a tree just a few feet away and I go to stand under it, sort of in the background. The priest starts with the prayers and soon, tears are streaming down my face. I clutch my stomach as a wave of nausea hits me and the anguish takes over full force.
I watch as they start to lower him into the grave and that’s when it really hits that he’s gone too. I sob harder for both my fathers. My feet can’t hold me up any longer and I start to collapse when strong arms wrap around my waist from behind.
“I’ve got you,” Mason whispers into my ear and my body sinks into his hold as the crushing weight of emotions finally takes me over. A moment later, I turn around in his arms.
He tightens them around me, and I rest my head on his shoulders as I cry it out. I don’t know what else to do.
“You’re going to be fine,” he says after a while when I’ve quieted down.
“What if I’m not? What if I’m too broken to fix?”
“You aren’t.”
“How would you know?” I ask, curious to hear his answer.
“Because despite all the shit I’ve said and done to you, you’re still here standing. Brave and fierce as always. And mine,” he murmurs.
His words are touching except for that last part, but I’m grateful that he’s here right now. That doesn’t mean that I’ve forgiven him though, pretty far from that.
“I don’t belong to you, not anymore,” I say.
“You’ll always belong to me,” he declares.
