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WINTER
As consciousnessslowly seeps its way into my system, the first thing I’m aware of is the amount of heat surrounding me. I’m groggy in that in-between state, and without opening my eyes, I burrow deeper under the covers.
I can’t tell where this feeling is coming from, but for the first time in a long time, it feels as though I’m shielded in a blanket of safety and that makes me not want to move an inch. Who knows how long this will last?
It’s an odd one because feeling safe is such a foreign feeling to me these days. Even in my tired mind, it’s suspicious. My life has tumbled into chaos, and I don’t even know how to navigate it anymore. One disaster after the next and trying to cope with it all without having another mental breakdown is beginning to feel more and more difficult as the days go by.
My mind is foggy, and I can’t quite grasp why I’m feeling like this, but as I gain more awareness and start to really wake up, it doesn’t take long for the pain in my lower stomach to make itself known. It feels sort of like a cramp but also bruised. Huh? Did I get my period or something?
Just as that thought crosses my mind, the memories of the real reason why I’m in pain suddenly slam into the forefront of my mind and a little whimper escapes my lips when I think about just how close to death I came. Unless I’m already dead and this is the afterlife…
Suddenly, everything that happened to bring me here plays through my mind in vivid colors. Getting what was definitely someone’s blood covered heart in a box—which I still need to figure out who said heart belongs to—leaving Ravenwood to fly to Aspen to get away from everyone and everything and talk to the girls. Then the guys ruining things just like they always do, by showing up and the last thing I clearly remember is storming off and going for a walk because I just couldn’t deal with them anymore.
I thought the walk would do me some good, but that turned out to be the wrong thing to do. I managed to get stabbed and then the man who did the stabbing told me about this Roman guy that has his eyes on me. Finally, because my life wasn’t eventful enough, I almost fucking drowned again. If there ever was a time to pray for some good luck or start witchcraft—this would be it.
I’m terrified to open my eyes right now. What if I’m not where I want to be and that’s why I’m feeling safe, like nothing can touch me? Without opening my eyes, I pinch myself on the arms just to make sure, you know? And that hurts! Okay, so I’m not dead… but I am fucking scared of this uncertain future of mine.
The man’s words have me on edge and whoever is watching me sounds dangerous as hell. Having this stalker who I’m now aware of as someone other than my psycho ex-boyfriend is absolutely messing with me.
I don’t remember anything after passing out in the water. I wonder who the hell saved me. I know I couldn’t have done so myself, and that just gets me pissed. I’m so fucking pathetic right now that I can’t even save myself.
The first thing I need to do once I get back to Ravenwood is learn how to fucking swim since it looks like someday, I might actually end up dying in some kind of body of water with the number of times I’ve been thrown into one. I wish I could stay in Aspen forever. I don’t want to go back to Ravenwood, truth be told, though staying here would defeat the purpose of standing up for myself by staying in California.
Ravenwood has become the place I hate most in the world. It has only brought about my destruction piece by broken piece. I’m barely holding on by a thread here and it’s all because of one man. The one I’ve loved before I had any idea what love was, is determined to destroy me.
I just wish there was a way to set things straight. I’m so tired of all his hate and all the bullshit I’ve had to suffer through. I don’t know how much longer I can hold on.
The second thing to do is find out who the hell Roman Bastianich is because all I can hear in my head are the words that man said to me.
Someone paid a lot of money for Roman Bastianich to have his eye on you.
Who? That’s the million-dollar question, isn’t it? I have so many enemies now I can’t seem to keep track of them, especially when half of them are still unknown to me. Only time will tell how this is going to end.
I turn around to lie on my back since I was on my side before and my arm brushes into something hard, which causes my eyes to fly open. As soon as they do, I twist my head to the side and look at the solid chest my arm bumped into, and not just any chest, either.
It’s the one that’s been my constant nightmare. I inhale his scent; I didn’t even have to look up at his face to know it’s him. The way he smells like sandalwood and spice is one I’ve known and loved my entire life. What the hell is he doing here?
Pain blooms in my chest as my heart cracks into a million pieces again and tears well in my eyes. They begin to slide down my cheeks without my permission a second later. I’m lying in Mason’s arms and I’m ashamed to say that it still feels like coming home to safety after being away for so long. It hurts so much to feel that way after everything he’s done to me and would no doubt still do if given the chance.
It fucking shatters me again to tell myself that he’s no longer my home and I don’t think he’ll ever be again. For just a moment, though, I want to be selfish and stay wrapped up in the warmth he’s providing me. Once he wakes up, I know he’ll go back to the cold and brutal man I’ve come to know, and he’ll go back to hating me.
He’s lying on his side, facing me, and my head is on his arm now, with my body facing his. I lie there for a few moments with silent tears streaming down my face. I honestly miss this more than anything in the world—the way we used to just lay together and talk about random things and the way he’d cuddle with me.
My body shakes against his and I feel his arm tighten around me. I stiffen, thinking I’ve woken him up, but when I look up at his face, he’s still deep in sleep. What I wouldn’t give for this to be real again.
His face is perfect in sleep. He looks calm with not a single anger line crossing his face. This… this is how I wish I could see him every day. Not with the anger, hate or disgust he has whenever he looks at me because his looks alone cut deep.
Right now, he looks how the love of my life used to look whenever I’d stare at him while he was asleep, back when I thought nothing could ever destroy us. I lift my fingers to touch his face but stop short just as they’re about to make contact with his skin. I don’t want to wake him up because the instant he is, my illusion of us being a couple again will disappear. I just need a few more minutes without his hate right now.
When it feels like I can’t breathe anymore through the tears, I quietly lift my head off his arm and slip out of the bed. I need to get away from him. It hurts too much and I’m not a quiet crier. The pain of being close to him right now is so much more than I can bear.
As soon as my feet touch the floor and I stand, the pain in my stomach shoots across my body and I have to place my hand over my mouth to keep myself from making a sound.
I slowly make my way to the door and turn the knob. I look back toward the bed to make sure he’s still sleeping. He hasn’t moved an inch. Once I’m out the door, I quietly close it and then make my way down the stairs. The house is quiet. Well, what did I expect? It’s probably late at night already.
The night-lights are on in the house, so I use the light to make my way down to what was my father’s study whenever we were here. I head straight for his liquor cabinet. I need something to take the edge off and calm me down.
I look out the window and see that I was right. It is night, but I have no idea how long I slept. I look over at the clock and see it’s midnight, which means I was out for a few hours. I’m actually glad no one is around right now to see me fall apart. I don’t want to deal with any of them right now.
