AllFreeNovel
Share Us
She gave a shrug. “I’m talking about romantic love. You can fall in love with whomever you want. You can choose to marry or not marry. You can choose to live with someone as a partner. Really, the world is your oyster when it comes to love. Perhaps something as inconvenient as the not-picture-perfect family is too much.”
Ouch. That hit below the belt, and it struck its target, as I’m sure my normally sweet best friend had intended. I’d seen how circumscribed Cat’s life was. She had a heavy burden to carry to uphold her family’s expectations and further their ambitions. As for her little comment about family, it was a not-so-subtle reminder of the imperfection of my own family. While I had men interested in me, they were commoners, for lack of a better word. But to men who’d grown up in my world, I was toxic by association to my father. Something I’d only made worse by not turning my back on him. Unlike Mother.
Nicu’s family might be mafia, but mine was no less criminal. A pang of guilt thrust a thorn in my heart. I’d judged him so harshly.
“Okay, okay, point taken. You know very well it’s not what they do for a living that rubs me the wrong way. It’s their archaic traditions. I don’t like the way women are treated.”
Cat sighed. “I know, and I don’t have a magic bullet for you. Everyone has their role to play in a family, and everyone is stuck with a set of expectations that they must meet. It’s true that we women are coddled and protected, in exchange for an arranged marriage. But don’t tell me that in your society, there aren’t women who marry men they’re not so crazy about to secure an elevated social and financial status,” she countered. “It’s not that different.”
That was true, of course. My own mother was a perfect example of someone who’d abandoned her husband when he was deemed unfit.
“True,” I murmured. “I admit that, in the end, I wouldn’t reject Nicu because of the parts of your society I don’t like.” I winked. “If anything, I’d try to infiltrate it to change it from the inside, like the rebel I am.”
She squeezed my hand. “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to sound resentful. You’re lucky you have so much freedom when it comes to relationships. It’s just that things aren’t black and white. There are many subtleties that drive people to do what they do. Sometimes the motivation is family, sometimes it’s money, security, fame. There are dozens of reasons why women and men marry, and they don’t always have to do with love.
“But we’re digressing from the real topic, which is that you’re pushing Nicu away because you’re afraid of loving him. I’m not going to try to defend his actions, but this issue would’ve come up eventually. How could it not, considering what you’ve been through? You’ve witnessed the lowest points of my life, Jewel, but I haven’t forgotten…” she said pointedly.
I swiveled my head away, avoiding her penetrating gaze, and the memories of her finding me on the bathroom floor when I didn’t show up for class one afternoon, of her dragging me into the shower and administering small, sharp slaps to my face as cold water pelted down on me. I had secreted away pills from Mother’s stash to end my life. Looking back, I didn’t think there were enough to kill myself, but I’ll never know how close a call it was. The shame of that time burned in my gut, but I pushed it away. There was no point in dwelling on it. I had survived, and that was all that mattered.
“I know you haven’t,” I murmured.
“Then you know you deserve happiness. If this man makes you happy, you should hold on to him for dear life, and if that includes forgiving his stupidity, then do it,” she intoned. “Believe me when I tell you, you don’t want to look back and wish you’d made different choices only to realize you were tripped up by your own issues.”
I heard the pain in her voice even after everything had worked out between her and Luca. Cat knew me better than anyone. Was she right that I was afraid? There was no doubt that he’d acted like an idiot, but was I too hard on him? Had I pushed him away?
I thought back to Jack, the guy I lost my virginity to. He’d tried to get close afterward, but I wanted nothing to do with him. Then there was Daniel. I broke it off, citing his immaturity. I couldn’t argue the same thing about Nicu. Nicu was nothing like either of them. He was all man. After Daniel, there was Connor. I nixed him, claiming that he was boring. I was only in high school, but plenty of kids had coupled up by senior year, and Cat had already been engaged to be married.
Thinking back, I pulled away when they wanted to cuddle in bed or when they blew up my phone, constantly texting me. Maybe it wasn’t constant, but it sure felt like too much. Their attention was child’s play compared to Nicu’s, but his stalking never bothered me. In fact, I liked it. Letting my gaze drift to the street, I sighed. Turned out I craved it.
Eyes scanning the length of the block, my heart sank when he was nowhere to be found. I felt safe with him and his stupid, relentless attention. Damn him for changing me. Damn me for finding comfort in his constant presence. For missing him. There was no denying that I missed his incessant shadowing. I felt incomplete without it.
Was he teaching me a lesson, or had I been such a bitch that I had finally run him off?
I turned to my best friend and confessed, “I’ve pushed him away harder than this, and he didn’t disappear.”
“The other night was crazy. A lot of things were said in anger. He needs time to cool off,” she suggested.
“Hmm, that doesn’t sound like him,” I reflected. “He’s not the kind of man who backs off. He’s the kind of man who comes at you harder, so his absence is a clear message.”
“Don’t jump to conclusions,” she advised. “You don’t know everything about him or how he’ll react to every interaction.”
“It’s hard not to,” I griped with a long, dejected sigh. “It’s really hard not to.”
Cat was right. I didn’t know every single thing about him. Maybe he needed time. I could give him that. I could wait for him. I would wait for him, but I couldn’t help but fear that he’d decide I was too high-maintenance. Until now, he seemed to like that about me, but I might have gone too far. Pushed him away one too many times. Another, darker, part of me would almost be relieved if he dumped me. It was cowardly, but Nicu pushed my boundaries and challenged me in ways that were downright uncomfortable. I was torn between aching for him, craving him, and being grateful that I could slip back into the safe shell of my life before him. I hoped I wouldn’t choose fear over love, but I wouldn’t know until he showed up.
Ifhe ever showed up again.
