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Chapter Eighteen
Niko
Betsy’swet nose nudges my hand in the dark. Automatically, I reach out and rub the scruff around her neck. She’s so intuitive; it doesn’t take much for her to know something is wrong with her master. I sit quietly in my dark room with my legs thrown over the edge of the mattress, resting my head in the cradle of my hand. Quiet. Contemplative.
In a few hours’ time, I’ll head to the hospital with a small black duffle bag I pulled from deep in my closet. I’ll pack up the measly items Mindy and I have bought for Doe over the past couple of weeks, and I’ll wait as she’s discharged. Guilt consumes me, creating a heaviness in my chest I haven’t been able to shake for days. She’ll be coming home here with me. All night I’ve been questioning my thinking. Other times, I feel like this had to have been Aislin. Somewhere, beyond the grave, she’s forcing me to do the right thing. To help someone just as I’ve always tried to help her. That is, until I failed her.
And then I feel like I’m utterly insane and go back to sitting quietly.
Mindy and Tavers came by earlier today with a few bags of pre-pregnancy clothes that Mindy no longer fits into. I took my time folding them and putting them away in the guest bedroom. New sheets went on the bed and a line of girly toiletries sit on the dresser, awaiting their new owner. They also brought over a bag of healthy food, knowing I’m a man who takes care of his body, but that doesn’t mean I don’t eat one too many tv dinners or delivery pizzas.
To avoid later issues, I went to visit Captain about Doe temporary living with me. He was pissed about the idea, but he couldn’t do much since I’m no longer on the case. He certainly wasn’t going to let the woman be shoved off into an overcrowded homeless shelter based on his own principles. I also requested time off. I knew Doe wouldn’t be ready to be left alone, so I gave myself a week to get her settled in and comfortable.
With that taken care of, everything is ready to go. Everything but me.
Exhausted from sitting here all night, I pull my legs back onto the mattress and lie back on the pillow, cocking one arm and sliding my hand beneath my head. The sheets rustle as Betsy jumps up and settles herself near my feet. The warmth of her body seeps through the covers.
My eyes feel weighted in this new position, and I find sleep rapidly approaching. As I try to push off thoughts for tomorrow, I send up one more silent prayer to the only girl I’ve ever loved.
Aislin … please forgive me.
* * *
Straight spineand a confident stride can’t hide the shaking in my hands when I sign the discharge form at the hospital. Age-wise, Doe’s an adult, but she’s being signed out into my care because without a memory or identity, she could be considered a danger to herself. I drop the pen into the red cup on the edge of the receptionists’ desk and take a large sip of my black coffee. I got a good six hours of sleep last night, though, it feels like a half an hour passed between the time I laid down and the time my alarm started blaring. Hence, the extra-large coffee. When I first arrived, I brought the black duffle bag to Doe and requested she pack up before walking out. When I spoke to her doctor on the phone yesterday, he recommended I let her be as independent as possible. Even things that seem miniscule and unimportant to us—like packing her own things—could make huge strides in her recovery. Doe needs to learn how to function as an adult. The first step to that is doing small tasks on her own.
The receptionist takes the form, and I meander into the room, looking around for hopefully the last time in a very long time. The second I hit the open door, my eyes land on Doe staring into her half-full yet fully packed duffle bag.
“Hey,” I say on a rasp, stopping to fully clear my throat. “Papers are all signed. The nurse will bring in a copy for you and then we can go.”
“I’m not… so… sure I should go.” She speaks hesitantly, and it breaks my fucking heart.
“Doe—”
Her large, round eyes swing in my direction, and she looks very much like the animal namesake.
I take a hesitant step forward. “You have nothing to be afraid of. I’m going to help you.”
She looks back and forth between the window and the open door before bringing her gaze back to mine. “It’s not you. It’s just the thought of leaving here. I’m safe here. Sort of. And I haven’t left since I was brought here.”
“We went outside a few times,” I remind her gently, taking another step closer.
“That was to the courtyard. We’re going to be walking outside and… and vulnerable.”
A strong urge to cross my arms over my chest takes me. It takes everything inside to keep them limply at my sides. “I’ll drive the truck around. The farthest you’ll have to walk outside is from the hospital door to my truck. That’s about ten feet. Another few feet from my truck to my front door.”
I move in front of her. Closer than I think we’ve ever been as my chest nearly touches hers. The proximity I hope shows her me—all of me. How big I am and how strong and muscular. That I can shield her. That I can keep her safe.
She sucks in a short, sharp breath.
“You are safe with me, Doe. I have a trained German Shepherd who’s a big, sweet baby but would tear a man apart at my command. And I’m a cop.” I shouldn’t do it. I don’t know why the thought even crosses my mind, but I need her to understand. With the barest of touches, I rest the pad of my index finger beneath her chin and tilt her face up. “Which means that I carry a gun, at all times, and I’m very good at using it.”
A full-body tremor assaults her from head to toe before she gives a jerky nod. As soon as I have that sign, I drop my hand and step back.
“Are you ready?” The tone of my voice changes from serious to casual as I pick up the light bag from the bed.
“Y-yes.”
“Good.” I half grin in what I hope is reassurance. As if on cue, a nurse bustles in with a paper printout.
