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If only that were true. But it wasn’t going to be as simple for her and Nate as it had been for Nick and Eva. Nick and Eva hadn’t been saddled with making a major commitment because of a faulty condom. She and Nate had the responsibility of a baby to think about as well as themselves. And she wasn’t sure she had the guts to risk screwing up the only relationship in her life that would always matter, for the sake of a relationship that might not.
‘Tess, have you even spoken to him about how you feel?’
‘Of course not!’ This bit at least was fairly simple. ‘It’s only been a couple of months. And I’m not even sure how I do feel. Love seems like too strong a word.’
Eva sent her a doubtful look. ‘Okay, if you say so, but can I give you a bit of advice?’
Tess waited a beat. ‘Yes, okay.’ Given how confused she felt at the moment, she could probably do with all the advice she could get.
‘Don’t let him take the lead on this. I let Nick do that, because I was too insecure and too timid to stand up for myself, or to make any demands. I let him walk away from me and it wasn’t until he came back that I finally had the guts to tell him what I wanted.’
‘But that’s just it,’ Tess said. ‘I’m not sure what I want.’
‘So that’s something you’ll have to work out,’ Eva said, patiently. ‘But be honest with yourself. And don’t assume that because he hasn’t said anything, he knows what he wants either. He could just be avoiding the question, like you are.’
‘But what if I ask him for more and that’s not what he wants?’ She heard the quiver of uncertainty in her own voice, and shame engulfed her.
She sounded scared. Afraid to ask for what she wanted in case he said no? Was that the real reason she hadn’t confronted her own feelings? The real reason she hadn’t admitted to herself that her relationship with Nate had gone way past the physical before they’d even started sleeping together regularly, because she was scared he wouldn’t want her? Why had she made him the boss of everything? Especially when he appeared to be as clueless about what was really happening between them as she was?
How did she even know what he wanted if she had never asked? Damn it, this wasn’t about being more flexible. Or more mature. This was about being a pathetic wimp.
‘Don’t answer that,’ she said to Eva, before her friend could state the obvious. ‘I’ve been an idiot, haven’t I? I can’t believe I fell for that stupid “friends with benefits” idea!’
The more she thought about it, the more angry she became—with Nate’s avoidance tactics as well as her own cowardice.
Of course Nate hadn’t wanted to make any kind of long-term commitment, because he liked to be in control—of his emotions as well as everything else. And she’d gone along with it, because she hadn’t wanted to risk her emotions being as out of control again as they had been when she’d been a teenager.
She’d made so many stupid choices then—out of fear and grief and immaturity. But she’d been so petrified of making similar mistakes again, she hadn’t actually learned from the old ones. She’d ended up spending a year with Dan the Dweeb and had even considered marrying him when she hadn’t even liked him that much—and she’d tried really hard not to admit how much she liked Nate because she’d known he wouldn’t be an easy man to love.
But when had the fear of failure become a valid reason for just giving up? They could have something really good together. As Eva said, this didn’t have to be an end, it could be a beginning.
Was she really going to settle for less, just because she was too scared to admit she wanted more?
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
NATE jerked upright at the loud buzz from the condo’s intercom, and spilled a large dollop of the chili he’d just nuked onto his favourite sweatshirt.
‘Damn!’
He glanced at his wristwatch. Who the hell was that? At ten-thirty on a Thursday night? He levered himself up and padded to the kitchen to wipe his shirt, dismissing the stupid jitter of excitement that it might be Tess come to pay him a visit for a change.
He deliberately hadn’t gone over to the cottage tonight. Had decided that it made sense to let things lie for a day or two—after the way everything had gone down that morning. He dumped the paper towel in the trash. Well, for one night at least. Given the amount of will power it had taken to stop himself from jumping straight in the Jeep after work and heading for Highway One, and how bored he’d been tonight watching a pivotal Giants game—he didn’t hold out a lot of hope that he’d be able to commit to two nights without her.
But it had been important to prove to himself tonight that he could hold off. That he could spend at least one night away from her. He’d checked his calendar and he hadn’t had a night away from her in nearly two weeks. Not a whole night anyway. Sure he’d managed to force himself to work late a couple of times. And left before she’d woken up, on one or two occasions, but it had been far from easy, especially the mornings. He’d practically had to dynamite himself away from the sight of her, curled under the sheet, the soft ri
se and fall of her breathing making her breasts peep above the linen and the scent of her infusing the air.
He’d been hard as an iron spike both times, and driving in that condition was no picnic. But much worse had been the wrench of longing as he’d stepped onto the cottage’s porch in the early morning sunlight without the chance to say a proper goodbye. And heading down the estate’s driveway knowing he didn’t really have any clearly defined reasons when it came to driving back again.
So he’d come to a decision today, after she’d point-blank refused to let him invest in her business again. He had to find a way to make this whole ‘friends with benefits’ thing work to his advantage more. It was working out great in some areas, but in other areas not so much. He didn’t like it one bit that Tess seemed oblivious to the fact he had responsibilities towards her as well as their baby.
Sure she liked her independence, but they were sleeping together now, on a regular basis. And maybe it wouldn’t last for ever, as she kept on mentioning, but as long as it did last—and it sure as hell didn’t look to him as if it would be ending any time soon—and as long as she was having his baby, he wanted her to lean on him a little more. But the frustrating thing was, the more pronounced her pregnancy became, and the more demands it made on her, the less demands she seemed to make on him.
When he’d found her throwing up after that first week, and had started staying over, he’d hoped that she would see reason and that things would change. But they hadn’t. Not really.
She never admitted a single weakness, never admitted she needed anything more from him than sex. He always had to push before she’d accept his help even grudgingly—and it was starting to get annoying.
He’d nearly had it out with her this morning, but he’d seen how tired she was, so he hadn’t pushed. And he’d decided not to go over there tonight until he’d formulated a plan—formulated the best way to get this situation sorted out to his satisfaction. And he’d finally figured out, while bench-pressing weights in the condo gym this evening, the only way to make it work was for him to move in with her, at least until after the baby was born. It was the only thing that made any sense.
