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Didn’t matter. What she needed was reassurance now. And Ellie was the only one here. She could have waited, to pass the buck to Dee – who was the closest thing Toto had to a mother – but she didn’t want to. She had come to like this child very much, but she’d never quite managed to bridge the gap she’d created that first day between her and Toto. Here was a chance to change that. And she did not want to mess it up.
‘If it’s just a few spots, the panty liners will be fine for now.’
Toto nodded. ‘OK,’ she said, in a small child’s voice.
Ellie’s throat hurt as she drew the girl into her arms. Maybe it wasn’t her place, but the child needed a hug. And she needed to give her one.
Toto’s whippet-thin body stiffened, but then yielded.
‘It’s really not so terrible,’ Ellie said, stroking the sweaty hair back from Toto’s forehead, letting the huge wave of affection wash through her. What must it have been like to grow up with Art as your only parent? While he was a good man and obviously a caring father, she couldn’t imagine he was very in touch with his feminine side.
‘Are you in any pain?’ she whispered against the girl’s head.
Toto shook her head against Ellie’s chest as she nudged closer. Warm hands settled on Ellie’s lower back.
The gush of love slammed into Ellie, bringing back memories of how much she’d missed her own mum when she’d returned to London with her dad, Nicholas.
Her mother had called frequently at first and come down to visit, but Ellie had made things as hard as she could for Dee, still hurt and angry that her mother had refused to come home – convincing herself that she was glad when her mother had finally got the message and stopped visiting.
But her father Nicholas had been no substitute for all the things she’d lost when she’d pushed Dee out of her life. He’d never been the caregiver in the family and he hadn’t really known what to do with Ellie once she’d chosen to return with him to London that summer. So he’d left her to her own devices in the care of a succession of housekeepers, while he carried on as usual, working long hours and dating a succession of glamorous women, some of whom had tried to befriend Ellie, but most of whom hadn’t, thank goodness.
Currently dating one of the junior partners in his architectural firm, who wasn’t much older than Ellie herself, and with no intention of retiring any time soon, Nicholas Preston still lived in the lofty, immaculately maintained semi-detached Georgian house near Hammersmith Bridge where Ellie had grown up. He’d visited her twice during the twelve years she’d lived in Orchard Harbor, both flying visits that he’d squeezed in around business trips. During both visits, he’d spent more time playing golf with Dan than he had hanging out with her and Josh. Which had been fine by Ellie. They had nothing in common, all their conversations polite and superficial. And while Ellie had never become estranged from her father, the way she had from her mother all those years ago, she could see now her relationship with him had simply never been as important to her. She’d contacted him once since arriving in the UK this summer, and their conversation had been as polite and superficial as always – with them both knowing that he’d be unlikely to find time in his schedule to fit in the vague offer of a day out in London with her and Josh. And that neither of them cared enough about seeing each other to press the point.
Thinking about her dad, made her think of Dan. And how alike her husband and her father were, because – whether by accident or design – they had both ended up being hands-off parents.
Unlike Art.
Maybe Art wasn’t the type of guy to talk about menstruation or make sure he was well stocked on teenage sanitary products, but he was entirely present in his daughter’s life. And always had been.
Stop thinking about Art.
Planting her hands on Toto’s shoulders, she eased the child back. The reddened skin on Toto’s cheeks tugged at Ellie’s heart.
Toto was
a confused little girl who was having to deal with something she was ill prepared for. Time to start acting like the parent here, even if she wasn’t Toto’s parent.
‘Why don’t I pop into Gratesbury this afternoon and pick up some other supplies for you. Just in case the flow gets heavier.’
‘OK.’ Toto frowned. ‘But don’t get those ginormous things you stick up you. Miss Morely put one in a glass of water in sex-ed and it blew up to the size of a tin can. I don’t think they’ll fit.’
Ellie bit back a laugh at the pragmatic response. Toto might not be a boy, but she was still a lot like her dad. ‘You’re probably right. I was thinking more of some sanitary towels. They’re easy to use and more appropriate for now. And you’ll want one for the night-time.’
‘All right,’ Toto said. Her head swung round and back. ‘But can I keep them in your bathroom?’
‘You can if you want to,’ Ellie said. ‘But it might be more convenient to have them in the bathroom down the hall.’
The anxiety flashed again. ‘I can’t, my dad might see them and freak out.’
‘You know, your dad probably won’t even be surprised. Most girls start their periods around your age, or even sooner. I started mine when I was thirteen, too.’ And thank goodness her mum had still been there.
‘But…’ Toto’s brows drew down. ‘But Miss Morely said when you start your periods you become a woman. I don’t want my dad to know I’m a woman, because it will totally freak him out.’
‘Ummm.’ Ellie was struck dumb for a moment. Art was certainly gruff and moody at times, but she’d seen a softer more playful side to him in the last couple of weeks. And he certainly wasn’t a misogynist. Where would Toto get the idea from that he didn’t want her to be a woman?
‘What Miss Morely probably meant was it’s the first step to becoming a woman, but you’ve got a long way to go yet before you’re an adult,’ she said, keeping her voice as neutral as possible. ‘But anyway, why do you think your dad would freak out? He likes women.’ Ellie felt herself colouring. OK, not cool to be thinking about Art’s lovemaking skills while talking to his daughter. ‘And he loves you,’ she said, trying to pull the conversation back to appropriate. ‘You do know that?’ Is this why Toto was such a tomboy, because she thought her dad wouldn’t accept her if she was a girl?
‘Yeah, of course,’ Toto said, her puzzled look making Ellie feel foolish. ‘He doesn’t say it much, but then he doesn’t say much of anything anyway.’
