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She opened her mouth on a breath of surprise.
“I think you came out here because as much as you’ve spent the last two days scurrying away whenever I was within your vicinity you don’t actually want me to go. I think you don’t know what you want from me, but it’s not this.”
She pressed her teeth into her lower lip, the truth of his words slicing through her like a dagger.
“I think we had sex and it was incredible and deserved more reflection than we gave it. I think you don’t want a relationship, but that you do want me, at least on a physical level.”
Stricken, she stared up at him.
“And I think that scares the hell out of you. Why? Why would a smart, beautiful woman in her twenties be so terrified of having a consensual physical relationship?”
“I’m not scared,” she lied, her voice trembling.
“Then why run away from this? Why not give in to what we both want?”
The idea tugged at her but she shook her head quickly. “You must do this kind of thing all the time,” she threw at him, clinging desperately to an offensive posture. “I imagine one night stands are common for you. So why can’t you just leave it at that?”
“You’re the one who came to find me,” he pointed out, his eyes flecked with anger and mockery.
There was no answer she could give to that. She sipped her tea, the heat scalding her tongue.
“I have physical relationships with women, but not once, in my life, have I treated someone like you’ve been treating me. You run hot and cold and look at me as though I kill kittens in my spare time.”
Her lips parted.
“You chose to sleep with me.”
“You said – you wanted –,”
He made a low, growling noise. “I did want. But to push me aside afterwards like I’m ten-day-old fish? I’m not asking to be serenaded, but whatever happened to polite, civil conversation?”
Staring at him made Lauren feel as though she were being drawn deep into a black hole and yet she couldn’t look away. Darkness was all around her; she was falling and there was nothing to grab hold of. Her logic was far away, all the reasons she had for acting as she did just out of reach, a jumble of discordant shapes in the dark.
“You’re right,” she whispered, grief flooding her, guilt and pain familiar bed fellows to Lauren.
A muscle jerked at the base of his jaw, a sign of tension. “About what?”
“About everything.” She had been reacting to the fact they had sex by going out of her way to put distance between them, to treat him as though she couldn’t stand him. “I do want you.” She stared up at Raf, losing a part of herself with that confession. “You’re the first man in a long time I’ve felt anything for. I know I don’t want to get…involved with you, I can’t. But there’s something about you that makes me –,” she paused, not sure what she’d been intending to say.
“Want to rip my clothes off?” He prompted, his brows lifting.
She swallowed, unable to smile. “Yes.”
His voice turned gentle, as though her admission had unlocked something within him. “And that’s a bad thing.”
Her heart was hurting. She had to be honest. “Yes. I think so.”
“Why?” He laced his fingers through hers, holding her hand at the side of her thigh. The simple act was like building a bridge. She felt the connection between them and while connection was something she’d fought for a long time, she found a part of her softened to it, not wanting to fight that feeling in that small moment. It brought comfort, and relief.
“I was married.”
She could see by his reaction that it was a surprise. He hadn’t expected that – why would he?
“And
it was a bad experience? He was abusive or something? He cheated?”
She shook her head sadly. “On the contrary. Thom was my best friend and I loved him with all of my heart. We grew up together and were inseparable from when I was five years old.” Her voice was hoarse. “He got sick when we were sixteen. Leukaemia.” Sympathy flashed in Raf’s face. “He was such a fighter though, he was determined to beat it.” She focussed her gaze on a point beyond Raf’s shoulder, finding it too difficult to meet his eyes. “We got married when we were eighteen, but he went downhill pretty fast, and died a few years later.”
