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I stare at him, wondering if he has any idea what he’s doing to me.
‘I can one hundred per cent promise I’m not going to be like Patrick—there will be no declarations of love at the end of this. No marriage proposals.’
Apparently not. I swallow a sob. I feel as though my heart is being disconnected with a scalpel.
I stare at the fruit mince pies on the table, remembering how excited I was to prepare them, remembering how ridiculously excited I was to bring them to Zach. My heart had been bursting then. Sharing things with him, being with him...how could this have taken so long for me to understand?
‘I—’ I search for words and draw a blank. ‘I can’t—’
‘It’s just more of what we’re doing,’ he insists, no idea he’s making this worse with every ‘assurance’ he gives. ‘Sex, fun, you and me.’
‘No.’ I shout the word then wince, shaking my head. ‘I can’t. I have to—I have to go.’
‘Why? What’s in London that needs you the day after Christmas? Stay for New Year’s, at least.’
I’m going to start crying if I don’t get out of here. ‘No, I have to go now. Right now.’
‘What?’ I move to the bench where I’d put my handbag and scoop it up, tucking it under my arm. A flash of lightning makes me jump—I look towards the windows just as the sky opens up and begins to dump the torrential rain it had been threatening all day down on the city.
‘I have to go.’
I know my very survival depends on it. If I don’t get out now I know I’m going to fall into a thousand pieces and I won’t let him see that.
‘Don’t. If you don’t want to extend your trip, then fine. But don’t ruin the time we’ve got left.’ He reaches for my hand, catching it in his. ‘Stay.’
‘No, I really can’t, Zach. I can’t.’
I bite down onto my lower lip to stop from crying then pull my hand free. I can’t see him again. I can’t.
I jab my finger into the elevator call button, standing there with my arms wrapped over my torso, conscious of him watching me the whole time. The doors ping open and I step in, pressing the button for the ground.
‘You’re seriously just going to leave now?’ He looks hurt.
‘I can’t stay.’ I feel as if my head is about to explode. I don’t know what to say to him, what to tell him, I just know I can’t breathe right now and that if I get away from him maybe the world will stop spinning like this.
‘You just can’t handle the idea of anything blurring the lines, can you?’ he says, the words tinged with frustration. ‘I want to buy a share of your business and you shut me down because heaven forbid our circumstances change even in the slightest. You’re doing that thing you do, Jessica, and you just can’t help yourself.’
‘What thing?’
‘Cutting off your beautiful damned nose to spite your face. Can’t you see that? You like being with me too but instead of showing even a hint of flexibility you’re sticking to some stupid agreement we made way back when we didn’t even know each other.’
I flinch, the hurt of having him throw that accusation at me deeper than he could possibly realise. He has his hand thrust against the elevator doors so I can’t escape as I wanted to.
‘This isn’t that.’ The words are weak, watery.
‘So what is it? Why not just roll with this a bit longer?’
My stomach hurts. I feel as if I’m being badgered into telling him something it will destroy me to admit.
‘Just let me go, Zach. I don’t want to be here any more. I don’t want to be with you now. Okay?’
‘That’s a blatant lie. You walked in tonight eager to jump straight into my bed. I’m just asking you to stay there a week or two longer. Is that a hanging offence?’
I press my back to the wall of the elevator.
‘I’m playing by all your rules otherwise.’ He lifts a finger to enumerate. ‘No talking about your business. No developing actual feelings for you. Nothing beyond the sex we both love so much. And you’re running away from me?’
‘That’s not why I’m running away from you,’ I growl, moving away from the wall and pushing at his chest, everything finally burning into flames within me. ‘I’m leaving because if I stay another second I’m terrified I’ll tell you that I’ve fallen so fucking in love with you that the idea of being with you even a minute longer knowing you feel absolutely nothing for me is killing me. Okay? Are you satisfied?’ I jab at his chest again and this time he steps backwards, his eyes round, shock obvious on his handsome features. I move deeper into the lift, pressing my finger on the button a few times, my jaw locked.
