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‘So let me go and forget all about me. I’m sure it won’t be long before you’ve found someone else to have meaningless, amazing sex with.’
I try my hardest not to cry but I know he must see the tears that fall down my face right before the door slams shut.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
WHAT THE HELL?
I stare at the closed doors for all of ten seconds before anger su
rges through my veins. She throws that at my feet and then expects to just waltz away? My heart drops because she wasn’t waltzing anywhere.
She was hurting.
Jessica Johnson was hurting and that’s because of me.
My stomach feels hollowed out. I run to the staff elevator, stepping inside as soon as the doors open. It’s not as fast as mine. By the time it reaches the ground floor she’s out of the foyer of the building. I run after her, emerging onto the streets barefoot, bare-chested, rain lashing me.
‘Jessica?’ I see her stop walking and turn around, disbelief on her pale face, her hair wet, her clothes wet, sticking to her body.
I run up to her, no idea what I want to say, no idea what I feel except for anger. So much anger. This isn’t what we agreed but, God help me, I don’t want her to go, not now!
So what? I say I love her when I don’t believe in love? Just to get her to stop hurting? To stop her from crying? I refuse to hurt Jessica Johnson; I can’t let this happen.
But I can’t lie to her, either. I won’t. Not even if they’re the only words I can offer that will make her feel better.
‘Don’t run away from me like this,’ I say instead. ‘Come inside.’
She shakes her head, staring at me as though I’m the devil incarnate. ‘What for, Zach? What do you want from me?’
Great question. But she knows the answer—I gave it to her a thousand times before I knew how she felt. I close my eyes as I remember the firm insistence with which I’d told her I don’t want anything other than sex. That what we’re doing is meaningless.
‘I like you,’ I say, aware as soon as I do that it’s just making everything so much worse.
‘I know. You like being with me. That’s sweet, Zach, but it’s not enough. None of this is enough.’
I stare at her, aching to pull her into my arms, aching to kiss her and make this all better.
‘It’s not your fault.’ She has to shout above the sound of the lashing rain. ‘I knew exactly what you are. I knew what I was getting into. I just didn’t expect to feel this. It’s not your fault.’
She takes a step away from me. I have the sense I’m trying to catch water in my bare hands. I don’t know how to fix this.
‘I should have realised sooner.’ She’s shaking. ‘The night you offered to buy into She-Shakes, I was so upset and I’ve just realised why. I thought you were going to tell me you wanted more then. And instead, it was all about money. Business. Nothing personal.’
I grind my teeth together, not wanting to point out that we had an agreement on that score.
‘I was devastated and it was easy to think your offer was the reason but it was never that. When we had sex, you kept telling me that it meant nothing, over and over again, and honestly, Zach, I felt like you’d scraped out my heart.’ Her voice cracks and my arms are heavy with being useless by my side. I want to draw her closer, to hug her, but I don’t. What an ass I was that night, all in thinking I was reassuring her.
‘Just go back upstairs and forget about me, like I said. I don’t blame you. It’s okay. This isn’t your fault.’
She keeps saying that over and over and I wish she wouldn’t because it feels as if this is completely my fault. I hurt her, and right now I hate myself for that, but I can’t say what she needs to hear because I don’t feel it. I thought asking her to extend her trip was a huge step, but it wasn’t anywhere near enough.
‘I’m sorry. I wish I could give you what you want.’
She looks away from me, but I see it. Pain.
‘It’s fine. I’ll be fine.’
God, so fiercely independent. My stomach twists.
