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Prologue
McKinley
* * *
There is a part of me that wishes I could drown in this shower right now. Get washed down the drain with all the lies, heartache, and anger. This isn’t who I am, at least not who I ever intended to be, but sitting on the bottom of the bathtub letting the shower beat down on me makes me realize just how real this all is. That is what the worst part of this is, in the beginning, my intentions were fucked up, but none of it seemed real. Nothing I was doing felt wrong, not at the time. Now, I know that there is nothing I can do to fix it. My world has literally come crashing down on me and it’s all my fault.
After what feels like hours, I reach up and turn the shower off, but I don’t get out right away. I sit there shivering, letting my tears run down my face. I hear my cell phone ringing and for a second my heart skips a beat, but then I remember he’ll never call my phone again. He’ll never hold me in his arms, he’ll never make me laugh or make love to me. He is the love of my life and I shattered him, the lies shattered him.
I get out of the shower, wrap a towel around myself and walk down the hall to my bedroom. I put on a pair of yoga pants, tank top and pile my wet hair on top of my head. I look around the bedroom that I’ve called mine for almost a year and know that I will no longer be welcome. I choke back a sob and go out into the living room. I crawl up in a ball on the couch, refusing to close my eyes because when I do, I see his face. Not the face that I love, the face of the way he looked at me last night when he found out. The man I love, that never even remotely showed a violent side, punched the wall over and over again until the sheetrock was crumbling. I can’t even say I was scared he would hurt me, because I knew he wouldn’t. Although, I wasn’t prepared for the tears and heartache that followed. The tears running down his face as he looked at me before walking out the door.
I look at my wall and the pictures of the last year, which cause the sob I was holding back to break free. The last year was the happiest of my life. I had family, friends, and Braden. Not only Braden, but Dawn and Tiffany. I look at the picture of the four of us laying on a blanket in the backyard and the pain I feel is unexplainable. The picture of me and Blake, just adds to the ache. The one of me, Kallie, London, Shannon, and Brinley at Kallie’s birthday party. How the fuck could I have done this to everyone?
I look over at my bookshelf and before I even realize it I’m on my feet. I start ripping things off the shelves. Books, pictures, albums. I just start ripping them apart, I want nothing to do with any of it. I don’t want the lies staring me in the face, I can’t handle it. I am absolutely hysterical sitting on the floor sounded by it all. “Fuck.”
I stand up and go into the kitchen to pour myself a shot. After throwing back more shots than I can remember I lean against the counter, letting the alcohol swim through my veins. It does nothing to stop my pain, but at least I’m not crying. I take one more shot and go back to the couch. When I sit down, my eyes start to close, and I jerk myself up. I refuse to close my eyes. I get up and go to my bedroom, getting the suitcase out of the closet. I start throwing my clothes in and once it’s filled, I go get the other two. I only need my clothes when I leave, nothing else belongs to me, so I pack them all away. When I’m done, I sit down on the bed.
I wake up screaming with tears running down my face. I look around the room and realize it wasn’t just a nightmare. This is why I didn’t want to sleep, but I guess considering I’m leaving or running, it was a good thing I slept until morning. I go into the bathroom, wash my face, brush my teeth, and brush my hair piling it back on top of my head. I grab everything out of the bathroom that’s mine, which isn’t much. Just my makeup, toothbrush, and lotions. I bring it back into the bedroom, open one of the suitcases, and drop it all in. I take a deep breath and take two of the suitcases out to the living room. I look around and shake my head at the mess I made but fuck it. I open the front door, grab my keys off the table and bring my suitcases out to the car. I pop the trunk and put them inside. I go back inside to get the last one before I leave.
I wheel this one out of the bedroom, blinking quickly to keep the tears from falling. I walk past my wall of pictures and reach up grabbing the one with the four of us. I hold it close to my chest and drop my head back.
“I’m so sorry,” I whisper it hoping it will somehow be heard by them all.
I open my eyes and look around at what used to be a home filled with love, laugher, and friendship. Now, all I see are the lies I’ve told and the love I lost, the deafening silence and broken bonds. If I could knock on Blake’s door and start all over, I would have done it all completely different.
Chapter 1
One Year Earlier
McKinley
* * *
I’m packing the rest of my clothes into my suitcases with a small smile on my face. I can’t wait to get out of this crappy town and shitty trailer. I have dreams, big dreams that are finally starting to feel like they are within my reach. As I fold a shirt and put it into my suitcase, I hear a car pulling onto my dirt driveway. I know without even looking that it’s my mom. I hear the front door creak open, and slam closed.
“McKinley?”
Shit, I wanted to be out of here before she found out I was leaving. She walks into my bedroom, looks around, and when she realizes what I’m doing she snaps her head to me. “Where the hell are you going?”
I take a deep breath trying to figure out what to say to her. “I’m leaving Mama. I can’t find happiness here; my dreams will never come true in this shithole town.”
She shakes her head and sits on the bed. “McKinley, if you actually gave this town a chance, maybe you’d find exactly what you were looking for.”
