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Sitting at lunch girls tripping her, spilling her food, throwing food at her. We all laughed. Girls pointing, making fun, taping signs on her locker. I did it too. I taped a dog picture on her locker. I laughed at her.
“Campbell!” I lift my head off the back of the couch feeling like the biggest piece of shit.
“What?”
Young is laughing. “I’ve been trying to get your attention, you’re in another fucking world. I said what is going on with you and Red. Your buddy here won’t tell me what happened.”
I look over a Matt. I appreciate that he thinks he shouldn’t say anything. He doesn’t know how close I am to Young and Dick. “I guess I fucked up man. I fucked up before she even became the Kenz we all know. I fucked up when I thought it was funny to make fun of people in high school. I fucked up when I made her feel worthless. I fucked up because I fell in love with her and I didn’t even know who she was!” I am pacing the living room rubbing my neck. I am furious, but not with her, with myself. I’m hurt that she didn’t talk to me, but I’m disgusted with myself.
“What the fuck are you talking about Campbell? We were there last night and everything was fine. You guys were dry humping over my dinner.” Dick comes in while Young is talking.
“What the fuck is going on? I just saw Maddie in the hall, she was getting back from the store with shit for Kenz because she is so upset she’s throwing up.”
I grab handfuls of my hair and stare up at the ceiling. I’m doing this to her. I’m causing her this pain, again. I can feel the tears in my eyes so I leave my head back. My heart is bleeding in my chest for the pain I’ve caused her and myself.
The guys and I have been talking through all this for the past four hours. No one is giving me advice, just letting me talk it out. I am grateful, because if they hadn’t been here to talk through it I definitely would have put my fist through a wall.
“We’ve been talking about this for hours. Why don’t we try to get some sleep and see what tomorrow brings?” Dick suggests. I know sleep is not going to come for me tonight, so I let Matt take my bed. I don’t want to be in there anyway, too many fucking memories. How the fuck could it go from perfect to absolute shit in the span of an hour or so? I mean I know how. I lay on the couch and I feel the first tear fall. I haven’t cried since I was a kid, but I never in my life have experienced pain like this. She is my world, and I shattered that. I made her feel insecure with herself. Made her believe she would never be good enough for me. I roll onto my stomach and sob into the couch.
I have been crying for what feels like hours. I can feel my shoulders shaking with the strength of my sadness. Suddenly I feel a hand on my shoulder. I jump and turn my head to see Young. I jam the heels of my hands into my eyes in order to stop the tears.
“Campbell, it’s alright man. Don’t hold that shit in. It will eat you alive.”
Normally I would say I feel like a pussy, but I don’t. I feel broken, lost. I’m ashamed of who I was, of what I did. It doesn’t make it any easier to accept because we were in high school. That girl, my girl, is the love of my life and I treated her like shit. I broke her. I clear my throat and sit up. Young is sitting on the coffee table with sympathy in his eyes.
“I fucking love her so much Young, more than anything in this world. I don’t think I can ever forgive myself for the way I treated her. The pain I saw in her eyes, I caused that. What the fuck am I supposed to do, man? She is my heart, without her I don’t feel alive.” I need someone to give me advice, something. I don’t care what at this point.
“Listen, Campbell. I’m not good with all this shit, but I can tell you this. I have watched you and Red for the last year and what you have is real. You love her as much as she loves you. Maybe you guys just need to give it some time. Time for you both to forgive.”
I fucking hate the thought of giving it time. I don’t want to be away from her, but I think Young is right. I need to try to forgive myself before I can expect her to forgive me. I just don’t know how the fuck to do it.
I try so fucking hard to stay away, but it is as if my body is drawn to across the hall. I spend an unhealthy amount of time at the peep hole, just trying to get a glimpse of my girl. When I see her, it is like my heart is being ripped from the chest every single time. I want to walk over and demand she forgive me. It is driving me fucking crazy. Countless times, I have worked up the nerve to go talk with her and every time I chicken out.
Today I made it to her door. I was just about to knock, but the fear gripped around me once again. I rest my forehead on the door with my hands flat on either side. I squeeze my eyes tightly trying to keep the tears at bay.
“Baby I am so fucking sorry I hurt you. I am nothing without you. I don’t know what to do to make this right. Please Kenz, please, come back to me. Let me try to fix this. I love you so fucking much.” I whisper into the door like a prayer, hoping she can somehow hear what I am saying.
I deserve her silence, but I can’t take it much longer. I walk back over to my apartment, but turn to stare at her door one more time. This needs to end. I have to make things right. I go into my apartment and decide it is time to figure out how to get my girl back. I’m done sitting around like a bitch, I am going to fight for her. She deserves nothing less.
It has been two weeks since I lost Campbell. When I got home that night, I finally lost the battle and threw up all night. Every time I would cry that first week, I would get sick. I lost the best thing that ever happened to me. Pe
ople talk about heart ache; this isn’t that. This is so much more, it’s pain. When I was little and my mom died, I was sad but I really didn’t understand. I watched my dad suffer through the pain of losing her. He told me once that when my mom died a part of him died with her. I never understood that until now. That is how I feel, like a part of me has died.
The guilt consumes me. The truth could have prevented all of this. I was so afraid of how he would react, that I thought lying was the best way to handle it. If only I’d know how much worse it would get. The only time I get out of bed is for class and work. I gave my notice at work, so I only have two more days. I haven’t seen any of the guys, not even in the hallway. I not only lost Campbell, but Young and Dick too.
I am in bed and just the thought of everything I lost is causing the tears to fall yet again. I hate myself for causing all this. My door opens and I don’t need to look to know its Becca. She and Maddie take turns sitting in here with me. If they are both home, they are both in here. If Maddie is out Becca is here and vice versa. I feel the bed dip and Becca’s small arms wrap around me.
“You need anything Kenz?” I shake my head because I know if I try to talk the sobs with rip through me.
“Did you think about what we talked about yesterday, sweetie?”
She suggested that I try to talk to Campbell. She thinks there is too much left unsaid. I agree, but I feel if he wanted to talk things through, he would have gotten in touch with me. I lied to him for an entire year. I don’t think that is something he will just sweep under the carpet.
I take a deep breath to try to keep the sobs from coming. “Becca, I can’t contact him. When or if he’s ever ready to talk about things, he’ll contact me.”
She just lays with me and doesn’t push it. I know she disagrees with me. There is just no way I can I bring myself to contact him first.
Maddie comes in my room a little while later with pizza. I don’t want to eat. The thought of food makes me sick to my stomach, but I need to. I’ve lost enough weight. We all sit on my bed with paper plates and pizza. I nibble at it and listen to the girls talk about life outside of this apartment.
