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“Kenz, Friday is your last day of work. Do you want to get a drink after to celebrate?” Maddie asks.
She’s been trying to get me to go out the last couple of days. I’m just not ready. “I don’t think so Maddie. I’ll probably be too tired.” I don’t deserve to go out and enjoy myself. I broke Campbell’s heart along with my own.
“Sweetie, you know we are behind you in whatever you do, but I think you need to get out of this apartment, for things other than school and work.” I know she means well, but I just can’t. The thought of seeing him out has tears stinging my eyes.
“Don’t Kenz. I’m not trying to upset you. I just think you need to have a drink, relax. Get your mind on other things.” I can’t hold my tears back anymore.
“I can’t think of anything else. I miss him so much he consumes my thoughts. He is the other half of me, he holds my heart. I’m destroyed. Don’t you understand! I did this. I caused this because I was to fucking scared to tell him who I was!” I cover my face with my hands and try to cry out all my pain.
“Kenz, you can’t keep punishing yourself. You did what you thought was the right thing. Everyone knows you never meant to hurt Campbell.” Maddie says while Becca rubs my back. I snap my head up because now I’m getting pissed.
“No, Maddie. Not everyone knows. You’re right I didn’t mean to hurt Campbell, but I did. He doesn’t see it the way you do. I’m a lying bitch to him. Shit!”
The girls don’t say anything for a while.
Finally, Maddie says, “Kenz, I’ve been supportive and understanding for two weeks.”
“Shut up, Maddie.” Becca says.
“No. I’m sorry but I can’t keep my mouth shut anymore. You’re doing this to yourself, Kenz. You’re making yourself suffer. All you have to do is talk to him, but you refuse to. You just assume that he hates you, but you haven’t tried to see if that’s even true. Instead of sitting here all the time feeling sorry for yourself, you should be trying to fix things with him.” I can’t remember a time in my life that I’ve been so angry.
“Both of you get the fuck out of my room.” I angrily say. My hands are in fists, my nails digging into the palm of my hands.
“Kenz, I didn’t mean to piss you off. I’m sorry.”
“Sweetie, we just want you to feel better is all.” They both try to explain to me. It’s too late I can’t handle it.
“GET. THE. FUCK. OUT. NOW!” I scream at them.
They both get up and grab the pizza and empty plates. Becca walks out first. Right before Maddie walks out the door, she turns to face me.
“Kenz, I love you, but you need to get your shit together.” She walks out of the room not even waiting for my response.
After the girls left, I lie in bed trying to calm down. I know the reason I am so fucking pissed is because they are right. I should talk to Campbell. I should be doing everything I can to try to fix things with us. I’m just too scared. I can’t face him, seeing the betrayal and hurt in his eyes. I roll onto my side and face the window. I can see the bright lights of the city and it makes me ache to be a part of it again. Maybe Maddie is right. Friday after work, maybe I will meet them at the bar for a few drinks. Who knows that could be just what I need. Liquid courage.
The rest of the week is much the same. I go to school, come home, and go to bed. The girls have been going out so I don’t even have them to sit with me. I am feeling sorry for myself and I fucking hate it. I promised myself I would never be that weak girl again, yet here I am. Only now, it’s worse than it ever was. This time I’m grieving the loss of my relationship with Campbell and my best friends. I climb out of bed and decide this stops now. I walk out into the living room, and it is so quite with no one here.
In the last year, there has been a steady flow of laughter, yelling, and teasing from this apartment. I miss it all so much. I go to the kitchen to grab a water and hear something in the hallway. I open the water while walking to the door. I look through the peep hole, drop my water to the ground, and sink to the floor. I should never have looked out there. Campbell, Young, and Dick were all out there. Going out for the night, I assume considering how hot they all looked. Seeing Campbell after this long has me physically sick. I run to the kitchen sink and throw up what little food I have in me.
I have no one to blame but myself for the agony I am in. They are probably going to the bar, where there are women, women all too happy to jump in my spot next to Campbell. I stand up straight.
“Fuck that. I’m not going to sit around here anymore.” I say out loud to no one. I go straight to the shower before bed.
It’s Friday morning, I have no class today just work. I walk out of my bedroom, to get coffee and talk to the girls. The both look at me with wide eyes.
“Shut the fuck up. Yes, I got out of bed. I’m not any better, I still feel like I lost my heart. But, you guys were right. I need to change things. So, after work tonight I will meet you guys at the bar. I’m not making any promises that I will be great to be around, but I’m trying.” I go to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee when both girls come running at me. I turn just in time for both of them to slam into me, knocking all of us to the floor.
“Thank you for trying Kenz. That’s all we ask.” Becca says hugging my left side.
“Yea, Kenz. We just want you to feel good about yourself again. I’m so fucking excited about going out tonight. I promise I’ll make sure you have a good time.” Maddie says hugging my left side.
I don’t know what I would do without these two. They have stuck by me for almost three weeks now, without much complaining. They hugged me when I cried, held my hair back while I was sick, and never judged me.
“Thanks guys for everything you’ve done for me lately. I love you both.” They hug me tighter and we all fall backwards. They start laughing and for the first time in weeks, I feel a smile hit my lips.
I finished work for the last time. Everyone was sad to see me go, but I stayed longer then I needed anyway. I’m at home finishing my makeup. I came home to shower before meeting up with the girls. It feels good to do my hair and makeup. I’ve been wearing ponytails and buns with minimal to no makeup. I look at myself in the mirror feeling good that I look like myself again. I go into my bedroom to get dressed. I put on a pair of skinny jeans, a strapless emerald green shirt, and my favorite heels. I open my jewelry box to get out some jewelry and my mood shifts when I see the necklace Campbell gave me. I take it out and sit on my bed. I am holding it in my hands, admiring how beautiful it is. It makes me realize that I can pretend that things are better, but as long as we are apart, things will never be. I miss him more every day. I decide that I am going to wear the necklace. When I put it on it brings tears to my eyes. Not sad tears though, happy tears from the memories I have of the last year. I need to try to fix things with him. I have to at least apologize for lying to him.
I put on my bangle bracelet and silver earrings to finish off my outfit. I look at myself before I leave. I look great. My hair is perfect, makeup flawless yet the sad look in my eyes is clear. Without Campbell, I think this is how my eyes will always look; empty and sad, just like my heart. I shake my head to clear my thoughts. I’m supposed to be going out to enjoy myself. I’m going to get my drink on and hopefully laugh a little. I grab my purse, toss some money and my ID in it, and head out the door. I walk out of the apartment complex and text Maddie telling her I’m on my way.
