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I roll over and stare at the ceiling. I don’t know what I’m going to tell Young. He’s going to come demanding answers, answers I don’t want to give. Maybe my mom is right, I should pull away before he kicks me to the curb. She always told me that would happen, but it was never something I worried about because I never intended to be committed to anyone. Now that I have Young, the possibility of heartbreak is huge. “Ugh.” I pound my fists into the bed; I don’t know how to handle everything. Yesterday at this time, we were fucking, now I feel like I’m losing him and myself.
There is a knock on my door and it opens. I know without looking that it is Young. I keep looking at the ceiling because for the first time since I was sixteen, I feel like I could actually cry. I feel the bed dip by my feet and he lets out a sigh. “Maddie, I don’t know what happened last night but I need to know.” I let out a sigh this time because I just don’t know how to talk to him about all of this. “It’s me, babe. You know you can tell me anything.” God damn it. I know he is trying to be understanding, but he has no idea what the fuck I am feeling. How many men want to actually be with a whore? “Come on, talk to me.” I sit up quickly and pull my legs to sit crossed.
“You want to know what happened? I’ll tell you. When I was sixteen mommy dearest used me in her sick fucking hooker house. Men paid her to have sex with me; I’m not talking sweet romantic sex. I’m talking fucking a young girl because it was their fantasy. I was taught to let a man have his way with me, but never commit to him. I was taught to be perfect at all times, no matter what. I was taught to do as I’m told. When you called me ‘baby girl’ it brought it all back because that’s what they used to call me. Are you happy now? You have been in a relationship with a whore this whole time.” He is looking at me with every emotion you can imagine crossing his face. He chooses to stick with pissed. He stands up with his hands behind his head gripping his neck.
“What the fuck did you just say?” I close my eyes and shake my head “no.” I am not repeating it. “That’s what I thought you said. I’m going to fucking kill your mother. I’m not talking out of my ass either, I will fucking kill her for doing that to you.” I begin to cry for the first time in years. It’s all just too much. I have my hands over my face, sobbing into them. He sits next to me and pulls me to his chest. “Don’t cry, Maddie.” He holds me until I have no more tears to cry.
“Young, I’m so fucking confused right now. I love you so much, but I don’t know if I can do this anymore. I’m mixing up how I used to feel with how I feel now.” He rubs his hand up and down my back in a soothing motion.
“Maddie, I love you to fucking much too just let go. You tell me what I need to do, I’ll do it.” I bury my head into his chest.
“That’s just it, Young. I don’t know what I need. I know I need to never, ever see my mother again. She brought this all back, she wants me to go home and be her little whore again.” He wraps his arms so tightly around me I can hardly breathe. I don’t care though, he’s trying to protect me the only way he knows how.
“That is NEVER going to happen. I promise you that.” I can hear his heart pounding in his chest. I don’t know if it’s out of fear of losing me or out of anger for my mom. “Don’t pull away now, I can’t lose you.” Fuck, I’m so conflicted. I pull away from his chest and look at him. He doesn’t look like the cocky, hilarious, sexy guy I love. He looks lost, sad, maybe broken. I reach up and move his hair off his forehead.
“I think I need time. I’m so sorry.” I let my hand drop to my lap and he gets up pacing the room.
“All because of your fucking mom? I’m going to lose you because she is a sick fuck?” He’s not yelling, but he definitely has risen his voice. He is pulling at his hair and rubbing his neck.
“Young, please try to understand it. She did this to me, she fucked me up.” He sits down on the foot of the bed again and squeezes my knee.
“Maddie, I love you no matter what. I don’t give a fuck what you did, what you were forced to do, or what you think you believe. I know who you are. I’ll give you time if that’s what you need, hell I waited this long. But believe me when I say, this isn’t over. This is far from over.” He stands up and starts to walk toward the door before he opens it, he punches it. Hard. “FUCK!” He turns his head to look at me with his hand on my doorknob. “Maddie, I think you better go talk to someone. Someone who can help you deal with what you’ve been through. I’ll take care of the rest.” With that, he walks out of my bedroom and closes the door behind him.
For the second time I feel tears running down my face. “Fuck.” I whisper to myself and lay down to think about what I’m going to do next.
I finally get out of bed around noon and make my way to the shower. I shower, pull up my hair, and put on my jeans and halter-top. I need to feel pretty. I go back to my room, fix my hair and makeup until it looks perfect. I give myself a sad smile in the mirror. “Well, you need to do it. You’ve put it off far too long.” I give myself a nod and get up to go find my girls.
After I tell Kenz and Becca everything a tiny piece of me feels lighter, like the load I’ve been carrying had finally been dumped. As I knew they would be, they were disgusted, not at me at my mom. They told me over and over again that it doesn’t make me a bad person and they love me. “Girls, there is more.” They look at each other and back at me. “I told Young I need a break. I need to fix myself, he’s obviously hurt, but I need to do this.” I take a deep breath and finally say it. “I need to get professional help.” They both hug me and cry on my shoulder. I’m done crying, it is not going to help me. I need a professional for that.
“Maddie, you know my dad is a therapist. I could give him a call and find out who he would recommend if you want?” I give Becca my first real smile.
“Thanks, Becca. I would appreciate it.”
“You know you’re not alone in this, Maddie. We will help you every step of the way.” Kenz knows what it’s like to hold a secret; she knows how it eats you alive. We sit and talk the rest of the day away. They never leave my side, other than making dinner. The guys don’t come over and I’m not sure if that is because the girls told them to stay away or if they are dealing with Young. Either way, I’m grateful. After spending hours talking about everything, I begin to doze off on the couch. I still haven’t slept, so my body is finally giving up.
“Girls, I need to go to bed. Thank you for everything today. I don’t know what I would do without you guys. You’re not just my best friends, you’re my sisters.” We hug again and I kiss them both good night.
I wake up at seven and rush to get ready for work. After a quick shower, fixing my hair and makeup I go in search of coffee. “Morning, bitches.” They both smile at me and hand me a cup.
“Did you sleep alright?” I didn’t sleep great, I admit I missed Young but I was so tired I just crashed.
“Yes. So, I’m going into work and I’ll call that therapist on my lunch break.” Becca had called her dad last night and got me the number of a very reputable therapist that deals with childhood sexual abuse. As humiliated as I am to tell a stranger what happened, I know this is the only way for me to move on.
After I left Maddie’s apartment, I already knew what I was going to do. I went to my place and explained everything to Campbell and Dick. I knew something horrible happened to her with her mom, but I never would have thought something so fucking awful. My heart stopped beating and literally broke in half for what she had to go through. When she told me she needed time to think, I didn’t know if I wanted to fucking hurt someone or cry like a bitch. When I saw how broken she was, there was no choice but to let her sort it all out. Like I told her, she needs to help herself and I’ll take care of the rest.
Dick hasn’t said much on the ride, he is quietly supporting me from the passenger seat. I was going to go by myself, but he and Campbell wouldn’t hear of it. Since Campbell couldn’t get the day off and Dick could he was up, dressed and ready to go before I was. We’ve been driving for almost two hours already, my mind is spinning. I need to talk about something else.
“Hey, Dick. You ever talk to Becca?” He admitted that he is attracted to Becca; actually, he admitted that he has feelings for her. I fucking knew something was going on. After he told me, that’s when I dared him to kiss her. I thought I’d help my brother out. I smile at the thought of being a nice guy for once instead of a douche.
“No. I’ll talk to her, but I don’t think right now is the best time. I think we need to make sure Maddie is alright before I throw anything else i
n the mix.” This guy is a true fucking friend. I don’t know if my selfish ass would wait, but he is always thinking of everyone else.
“Thanks again for coming man. I just don’t know what the fuck I’m going to say. I want to fucking hurt someone, take out my anger on their face.” I can’t let go of the anger I feel. It is boiling inside of me.
“That’s why I’m here, to keep your ass out of jail. We’ll hit the gym tonight and you can take out all that anger on a punching bag.” Fuck a punching bag; I need the satisfaction of being able to hear the hurting I’m putting on someone. Just then, the GPS tells me to turn left. “Tell me again how you got this address.” I flip my blinker on and wait until I can turn. Once I turn, it tells me we are almost there.
“When that worthless piece of shit stopped by, she threw her whore business card on Maddie’s bed and told me to stop by when things between us were done. Little does she know, I’m going to fuck her, just not the way she thought.” I pull up in front of this huge, stunning home. It is like a fucking millionaire’s home, complete with BMWs, Mercedes, and Jaguars. This bitch is a high paid hooker that’s for damn sure. I go to open the door, but Dick grabs my arm.
