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I go out front and hope my car isn’t too far up the street, because walking is difficult right now. I find it and climb inside. The driver doesn’t say a word and neither do I. I’m done talking, I’m done drinking, I just need to be alone. When I get to my place, I stand there and look around. When I walked out of here today, I thought sure as fuck I’d be coming back with Brooklyn. Now here I am trashed and alone.
I sit down on the couch and hold my head in my hands. Maybe Nate is right, I need time to get over the pain I feel, because right now I feel like my heart has been ripped from my chest. There is only one other time I felt this pain and that was when my parents were killed in a car accident. The feeling of being alone has wrapped itself around me and I don’t know if it will ever let go.
After sitting on the couch for far too long thinking about everything I should have done differently, I get up and head to bed. I walk into the bedroom and look around. My blood begins to boil and I snap. I rip the cameras I have hooked up out of the TV and smash them against the wall over and over, until they are smashed into pieces like my heart. “Fuck!” I scream and fall onto the bed. I close my eyes and hope in the morning I will feel better.
The next day I wake up with a massive hangover, even after a few cups of coffee and Ibuprofen I still feel like shit. I sit up on the roof, with my sunglasses on wishing we were on the road already. That’s what I need. I need to be on stage with screaming fans and parties every night. I need the distraction of women, music and fun. That’s when I’m happiest, when I’m doing what I love.
I take more Ibuprofen and my cell phone rings. “Hello?”
“Hey, just checking on you,” Nate says. He really is a good friend, even if I’m not.
“Thanks man. I’m good. Sorry about last night. That was completely uncalled for,” I say, closing my eyes.
“You were a dickhead, but I get it. If Poppy ever did something like that, I’d probably be worse,” he says.
“You probably would you fucking pussy.” We both laugh and I grin. “So listen, I was going to stop by the studio today. I have this song I’m tossing around and I wanted to play a few cords to see what it sounded like. You guys want to meet me there?”
He agrees and says he’ll call Ethen and Ralph.
After I finish my coffee, I take a long shower and somehow I start to feel better. I don’t know if it’s the medicine or the idea of a new song, but it’s working. I grab my phone and check it, just in case Brooklyn decided to text me. Of course she didn’t and I just need to stop thinking it may happen. I shake my head and go to the lobby to wait for my car to get here. I sit down and jot down a few more lyrics that I think could work, before I get up and go outside.
I’m the first one
to the studio and I go into the recording booth and grab my guitar. I start to strum a few cords, until I hit one I like. I play around until I get the verse down. I mark it all down and play it over and over, humming along.
“Sounds fucking awesome, Fitz,” Ethen says from the recording booth.
I put the guitar down and they come in. “So, I want to do this one acapella, the whole song. What do you guys think?”
“I think it’s going to be amazing. Do you have lyrics yet?” Nate asks with his arm around Poppy.
“I’m working on it. So what do guys say, we just have a jam session? When was the fucking last time we did that?” I ask with a laugh.
“Hell yes, I’m down,” Ethen says, grabbing his drum sticks.
“Always,” Ralph says, going to stand by the keyboard.
Nate kisses Poppy before picking up his bass guitar. “Let’s do this.”
For the next few hours, we play song after song and it was just what I needed. My heart might still be hurting, but music is the best escape. It takes me right up on stage to all the different places we have toured. In the US, UK and Australia, no matter where we are, the energy is always what gets me the most and that’s what I’m feeling right now.
**
“I can’t believe we leave tomorrow morning for the West coast tour,” Ethen says, sipping his beer.
“No shit. I feel like we just got home,” Ralph says.
I feel like it’s been a lifetime since then. It’s been almost a month since Brooklyn left, yet I feel like it’s been years. There hasn’t been a day that’s gone by that I haven’t thought about her. I wonder what’s she’s doing, how she’s doing and where she is. I try every day to move forward and I’m slowly getting there. I no longer need to get trashed to sleep and even though I felt guilty afterwards, I did fuck a groupie the other night. It wasn’t great, but I’m sure it’s just because I was wishing it was someone else. I’m sure this tour will bring plenty of groupies and drunk nights that will help me move forward.
“Well, finish up those beers boys, because we need to meet at the bus at six o’clock if we want to make good time,” Poppy says, speaking as our manager now. “We have one stop in Vegas for a show, than we go to California.” She looks at me and I wink. I try my damnedest to put on a front and I know they can see through it most of the time, but I’ll never stop.
“I guess there is only one thing left to say.” I look around the table and we all smile. “Sex, drugs and rock and roll, baby,” I say and they all laugh.
“Fuck yes, it’s time to get back to our fun. Right Fitz?” Ethen says, holding his hand up.
I hit it and nod. “Damn right.”
“No dirty ass skanks on the bus while we travel. You want to fuck them while it’s sitting still, have at it, but no one is coming along. Got it?” Poppy says looking at me, Ralph and Ethen.
