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I’m watching myself in the bathroom mirror while brushing my teeth when the thought comes to me. Until now, I haven’t been able to stomach touching myself, be fully naked, or let my guys see me naked—yet, they can touch me without making me feel dirty, unworthy, and like my world is falling apart. I feel safe and strong in their arms, and our intimate moments are proof of that.
Is it possible that I’ve gotten myself so twisted that I’ve been swimming down instead of breaking the surface?
Every night, in my dreams, I still see Neil standing over me that night, showering me in his rank cum. Getting off on my humiliation, fear, and the power he was wielding over my body and mind. His face contorted with pleasure haunts me when I wake up from a nightmare of being back in his office. The only times he doesn’t visit me in my sleep is when I’m spending the night with one of my guys.
Sighing, I question my intelligence, or rather, lack thereof. That’s the only explanation for me choosing to sleep alone, despite knowing they offer me the safety I need to make it through an entire night’s sleep without waking up drenched in sweat.
Since Alec, Kas, and Coen make me feel amazing, I need to let them help me get my body back. Holding myself back from them hasn’t helped. It’s clear that I can still find pleasure and love in their arms… Maybe I should try to embrace that and allow them to help me rather than push them away.
Before I can talk myself out of it, I pick up my phone and text each of my guys.
Me: Come in here, please!
After dressing in a clean set of lingerie, a pair of sleeping shorts, and a button-up PJ shirt, I look at myself in the mirror again. “I’m going to do it!” I whisper to my reflection. “It’s time for my baptism!”
We’re all sitting on the bed in my room. Me and Kas are propped against the headboard, Coen and Alec in the middle. My feet are resting on Alec’s thighs, and all I can focus on is that I want his touch. I want him to take one of my feet into his hands. Or to trail a finger along the arches… Anything and everything. Each minute that passes without his touch makes me feel worse about how selfish I’ve been.
“Alec?” I say his name so softly that I don’t know if he’ll hear me. That’s a stupid thought. Of course he will. No one else is talking, and the only other sound is the buzzing from the light bulb right above the bed. “Please look at me,” I beg when he doesn’t move or speak at all.
If Alec can’t even look at me, there’s no way I can ask for what I want, what I need. Since I’m not willing to back down, that means I have to make things right with him first, which is no small feat when I don’t know why he’s upset with me.
A part of me suspects it isn’t about me per se, but more about the situation. Even though my proud man isn’t better at being vulnerable than I am, he allowed me to see him in a state of vulnerability after he first spent time with Neil alone. Although I can’t be sure, I suspect he doesn’t like how uneven the scales are since I haven’t let him be there for me.
I know I shouldn’t take it personally, but I don’t know how not to feel like I’ve pushed him too far. Unable to deal with the Antarctic fissure between us, I crawl over to where he’s seated, pushing Coen out of the way. I turn my head and shoot him an apologetic half-smile before placing my hands on Alec’s denim-clad thighs.
“I’m really sorry,” I whisper before swallowing three times, hoping my voice won’t crack. “Alec, please look at me. I’m so very sorry.” Tears gather in my eyes, and my voice wobbles as I look at the man I love who won’t look at me.
“What are we missing?” Coen asks.
“Maybe we should leave,” Kas suggests.
I feel the mattress dip beneath me as Alec’s two brothers get up, and I hear the door open and close, but I still don’t look away from my wounded love.
“Please,” I whisper again, not sure what else I can say.
I don’t know whether it’s because we’re alone or if it’s the emotion in my voice that finally makes Alec raise his head and look me dead in the eye. “Why are you sorry?” He deadpans like it’s no big deal, and I hate that. “Neil is here for you, not for me to get information about my mom.”
Hearing those words makes my temper flare. “No, he’s not mine!” I seethe. “Kas is mine. Coen is mine, and I hope you are too. But Neil isn’t mine.” I speak with such vehemence that I’m positive there’s no way Alec won’t get how much I mean that.
“Come here!” I let out a startled yelp as he pulls me into his lap, holding me firmly in place while wrapping his arms around me. My shirt rides up to my hips as I wrap my legs around him. “I feel bad that I’ve enjoyed making him hurt himself. I know I should feel guilty, but I don’t. He hurt you, Kas, CJ, and he threatened Marilyn—who’s completely innocent.” With each heavy exhale, I feel some of the hairs on my head part, being rearranged by the air he expels.
“I don’t feel as bad as I should either,” I admit. “I can’t say I feel good about it, but I have no regrets.”
Alec sighs audibly. “On top of that, I feel like I’m at war with myself over not wanting to know about my mom. I feel guilty for letting my one and only lead slip away. What am I supposed to do, though? I don’t think he knows anything, and even if he does, I won’t be able to believe a word he’s saying.” After a few minutes of heavy silence, Alec continues, “Is it wrong that I prefer not knowing my mom’s fate so I can make up my own?”
I shake my head against his firm chest because I get it. Sometimes there’s beauty in the unknown, in getting to shape and create your own ending. Until someone presents facts for Alec, his mom is neither dead nor alive. Neither happy nor unhappy. She is whatever Alec wants to believe—and I understand the power and allure of that.
“It’s up to you, Alec. I’ll do whatever I can to help you get the answers if you want to know. I’m so sorry I haven’t acted like it’s important when it is. Honestly, it’s the most important thing, and everything pales compared to that.”
“But wh—” I place a finger on his lips to silence him.
“If you don’t want to know, that’s fine as well. There is no right or wrong here. There’s only what you want and what we do with that. But I don’t want you to think you have to do one over the other.” My emotions get the best of me, and my voice becomes thicker as I speak. “I’m sorry I pushed you. I should have waited for you to be ready to talk about your mom.”
Taking a deep breath, Alec says, “You didn’t push me, Baby. I—” Bending his neck, he places his head at the hollow of my neck and kisses my soft skin. “You just make it so much harder because you won’t let us in. One moment you’re all over me, then the next, it’s as if you can’t bear to be around me. And I’m not faulting you for that. None of us are, even though it makes it hard to… Deal.” I feel that deal isn’t the actual word he would have used, but I decide not to focus on that.
“I know… I do know, Alec. I wish I could say I’ve been trying… Well, I have been trying, but I think I’ve done it all wrong. My body needs to be mine again. I need to reclaim it and make it mine. Most of the time, I’m so scared and angry that I feel lost at sea, which makes me feel even angrier.” Sighing, I cup his face in one of my hands and look straight into his gray eyes. “I-I don’t know how to navigate everything I’m feeling, especially not when it feels like my insides are being pulled in a million different directions. All I know is that I don’t want to lose you—any of you.” I’m panting hard from the onslaught of raw emotions I’m allowing to surface. Each one makes me want to handle things differently from the next. It’s so confusing I’m tempted to rein it all in and put the lid back on. However, I won’t allow myself to do that tonight.
Feeling all talked out, I slant my lips to Alec’s. We both open our mouths as soon as our lips meet, and Alec wastes no time taking control of the kiss.
