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HARPER
A senseof déjà vu washes over me when I get my video call setup ready. Laptop, a snack, and a drink.
How has this become my life? Everyone important in my life is somewhere else in the world, and if I want to see their faces, I have to plop myself in front of the computer.
But this time it isn’t Tara. It’s Ryan.
My chest expands on a deep inhale, and nerves flutter in my belly.
Am I ready for this?
It’s different because I can’t hide behind the phone screen like I have been. Which is silly considering that we’ve spent time together and even had sex. But talking about myself and my feelings is a lot easier if I don’t have to look at him. In a way it’s less intimate and allows me to be more open, to not worry about his reaction. Most of the time at least.
Maybe that’s one of the reasons why our text exchanges and phone calls have turned into a daily thing. Like a true friend, he also doesn’t seem to be turned off by my random comments. He actually seems to be quite amused by them, although I still can’t believe I made that Smurf vagina comment. How embarrassing. But that’s how things go sometimes, I speak before I think. And instead of being bothered, Ryan indulges me, prompting me even.
All in all, he makes me smile. A lot. And I’ve missed that. Having a steady person in my life who gets me. Who listens and doesn’t judge. Who encourages me when I’m down, and who hauls me back when I get a bit much. Could Ryan really be that person? Can I be enough for him?
Since Sunday is his only real day off training, it has turned into our main day to catch up. On those days the texts flow more and the phone calls last longer. I’ve quickly adjusted to his schedule, knowing what times he’s gone for his various training sessions.
It’s nice to be aware of his routine and to know what to expect. I think I’ve had enough surprises for a while.
I’m blatantly ignoring the fact I still haven’t told Ryan who my dad is. I get nauseated every time I think about telling him, and then my brain shuts down utterly and completely. I know that makes me a coward, but at this point I’m still more concerned about the possible consequences of telling him.
What if he says I’m not worth the trouble?
He’s quickly become somewhat of a lifeline, someone I don’t want to live without. I’ll tell him soon, and all will be fine . . . right?
The ringing pulls me out of my thoughts, and I stare at myself on the laptop screen. My blond hair is in a messy knot on top of my head, and my eyes are wide and shiny because this pregnancy has turned me into an emotional monster. Dark circles under my eyes complete the horror look because sleep hasn’t been nice to me either.
I sigh loudly but put on a happy smile before moving the cursor across the screen to push the green accept button.
Ryan’s picture fills my screen, and I stop breathing for a moment. Did he have to shower right before our call? How unfair. He resembles a Greek god. All chiseled features and amazing bone structure.
“Hey.” His eyes smile at me as he takes me in before the light in them dims a fraction. “How are you?”
His deep voice envelops me, and I wish he was here and could wrap his arms around me. Somehow, I know that’s what he’d do. Even imagining his embrace makes me feel better. Marginally. Stupid distance.
I wave him off and try harder to push my smile into submission. “All good. Just tired.”
“Still?”
“Oh yeah. Exhausted around the clock. Even if I slept eight hours, I feel like I haven’t slept one bit.” I don’t mention that the sleep I get is restless and crappy. I don’t want him to worry. It’s not like he can do anything about it anyway.
But you want him to.
Ah crap, there it is.
I do want him to do something about it. I want him to help. I want him to be there for me. I want him to tug me against his warm body, place his strong arms around me, and tell me that everything’s going to be all right.
“Harper?”
“Hmmm?” Dang it. I totally spaced out.
“You asked the doctor about this, right?”
I nod. “Yes. Totally normal. The fatigue, nausea, cravings, hunger, the constant peeing. All of it, and then some. The list of possible pregnancy symptoms seems to be two miles long. So far, I seem to have gotten lucky. And the blood results looked normal.”
My doctor visit this week was quick and easy. I was eight and a half weeks along—nine weeks today—the measurements were spot on, and . . . and I heard my baby’s heartbeat for the first time.
