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Chapter NINE ~ Grief
His body rested againstthe tree trunk. Old bark pieces chipped off and fell onto his crisp uniform. He didn’t attempt to brush them off because he didn’t care. He stands underneath the big oak tree with graves surrounding him. Tombstones laid neatly row to row of the dead. Loved ones who have now passed on. He should feel warm, but the occasion kept his body chilled.
His sunglasses covered his eyes and he watched from afar. He should be there to grieve and be with his friend’s family, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. He didn’t want to be here and he shouldn’t be here.
His best friend was dead, and he had let it happen. It’s all his fault. He was the sergeant in charge and he had sent Matthew in. He was the one who patted him on the shoulder and gave him the order. But he didn’t know he was sending him into an ambush.
It should’ve been him and not his best friend. He’s seen so much death, sadness, and pain. Now his best friend was added to that list and he couldn’t bring himself to say goodbye.
So, here he stood underneath this old oak tree and watched from a distance as the tiny crowd gathered. He peered on as Matthew’s mother and father held one another tightly. Grieving their only boy and wishing for a different outcome. One where their son returned home and they could hold him in their arms. Instead of being left with this empty void.
“Cassie...” He breathed as her name fell upon his lips and he raised his sunglasses.
He laid them neatly on top of his head and nestled within his hair. His eyes widened at the sight of her. Matthew’s fiancée was absolutely stunning. Her long red hair flowed down her back and her black dress symbolized the occasion. She held onto her friend’s hand, but her body language cried out to him. Knowing she wants to run and be as far away from this as possible. He could feel her pain from here. Feel her sadness just like his own. But most of all, he could feel her conflict.
The self-blame she felt deep inside, just like he did. This made him feel close to her and long to take that all away. He wanted to make it better, but he didn’t know how. He had set this nightmare into motion, and now he had to live with it.
“It should’ve been me.” He whispered with anger as one tear fell down his cheek and he watched the casket lower into the ground.
Cries filled the air and pierced his soul. Digging into him like a sharp blade carving into his flesh. His heart bleeds as he watches her spin around and her blue eyes glaze over with fright. Her red locks flew with the breeze as she fled and didn’t look back.
“Cassie, come back!” The woman cried out as she ran after her friend, but couldn’t keep up.
Cassie ran like a madwoman, but he knew the pain was too much. It’s unbearable and eats away at us every damn day. He watched as her black dress disappeared and he wanted nothing more than to run to her. Taking her into his arms and letting her know she wasn’t alone in her grief. That he was there, and he wanted to take the pain away. Bury all the sadness and blame within him. He could take it; he could deal with it. He’s dealt with much worse. But she couldn’t and he didn’t want her to.
But what could he do?
He couldn’t comfort her the way Matthew could. He couldn’t give her all that Matthew had promised her. He wasn’t him and he never would be. Matthew was kind, generous and loved her more than anything. He was distant and a man with too much baggage.
His eyes pried away from her gloomy exit, and he cleared his throat. Dabbing his single tear from his cheek and wiping the tree bark from his uniform. He lowered his sunglasses over his eyes once again and waited in the shadows until everyone departed. Leaving Matthew’s grave and returning to their lives. Trying to move forward and grieve the one they’ve lost. But he couldn’t bring himself to leave just yet. His legs carried him across the wet grass and his eyes laid upon the deep hole. Looking down upon the casket now with fresh dirt laying on top. Lightly sprinkled over top of it with two single red roses thrown on it. He pressed his lips together and his teeth clenched. Feeling the war inside him erupt with the pain he holds onto and the anger directly at himself. He held onto the blame as he saw only one thing and remembered his best friend’s last words. But it’s his bright blue eyes turning lifeless that would haunt him forever.
***
WEEKS SLOWLY CREPTby and some days were worse than others. Sometimes all I could do was cry and feel sorry for myself. Letting the emptiness consume me and leave me all alone. While other days I sat like a zombie, lost in my thoughts. The memories of better times and ones that I long for. But that’s all gone now and I’m left with this. Lost and feeling like life is meaningless. I’m in a complete slump and haven’t worked a day since I found out Matthew’s gone. I just lay in bed, staring at the wall and watching television. Everything I once loved doing seemed to be gone right along with Matthew.
I peered over at my bedside table and admired the sparkle. The shimmer of his belongings that I received right after they lay him to rest. The only items I have left of him. A gold watch, gold chain and his sunglasses that he loved to wear wherever he went. Except he didn’t wear them on that tragic day of the explosion and is now left to me. My fingertips lingered over top of each one as a soft sigh escaped my mouth and my lower lip trembled.
The sadness was overwhelming as I snatched my hand away and pulled the covers closer. My stomach growled as I groaned and reached for my bag of chips. The salt crumbs remained on my bed sheets and I wiped them off. Stuffing my face and eating the sadness away, or at least trying to. Tasting the bitter salt mixing with vinegar as I lick my lips and fingertips. Reaching for the remote and turning on the television. Hoping to drift off into a deep sleep. I just wanted to sink away into my dreams and escape this nightmare that never went away. Falling into a world where I dream of only him and everything was right again.
Suddenly, I hear Lexi’s voice and footsteps heading my way. I took the chip bag and stuffed it underneath my bed sheets. Knowing the mood Lexi has been in the past couple of days and I just wasn’t up for it. I just mentally couldn’t handle it. She’s been in charge of everything and holding the business together. My business, the one that I just gave up on and it’s barely hanging on.
The bedroom door opened with no knock for warning, and the look of determination shone on Lexi’s face. “All right, that’s enough of this bullshit.”
She took one look at my face and shook her head. Sighing heavily with frustration as she reaches underneath my bed sheets, grabs the chip bag, and throws it on the nightstand. “Hey, I was eating those!”
“I know you’re grieving the loss of your fiancé, but the business can’t run itself, Cassie.” Lexi sighed as she placed her hand on her hip and pointed at me. “Look at you? You’re a complete mess and your business can’t go on like this.”
“Well, you didn’t have your life turned upside down! You didn’t have your fiancé die and your entire life ripped away!” I snapped back with anger, threw myself out of bed, and grabbed the chip bag. Heaving salty chips into my mouth and full of rage at the world. “If I want to lay around and do nothing, I think I’m more than damn well allowed to.”
“That’s right, get mad! Do something! Anything is better than what you’re doing with your life right now!” Lexi yelled and threw her arms up in the air.
“God, you can be such a bitch sometimes.” I groaned loudly and threw the chip bag on the bed.
“And you have grown to be quite the lazy bitch lately.” Lexi shot back as she raised an eyebrow and looked around my room.
Suddenly, a scream filled the air. It’s loud, shrilling and piercing. It fills my ears, and it’s then that I realize it comes from my mouth. It’s my cry of grief, sadness, anger, frustration, and hurt. All combined as it hung in the air and paused.
“That’s right, get it all out!” Lexi exclaimed as she nodded her head and grabbed my shoulders. “Scream until you can’t anymore and climb out of this slump you’ve dug for yourself.”
She opened her mouth wide and reached down to hold my hands in her own. I squeezed them tightly, and we let our screams go. Letting my mouth open wide and release it all. Everything I’ve been feeling since my world crumbled at my feet and left me empty. Screaming until there was nothing left and I let it all go. Till it sucked my body dry and I could breathe once again.
My best friend released my hands and reached out. Smiling at me as she lightly strokes my hair back behind my ear and places the strands neatly back in place. “Now, go clean yourself up and let’s get the hell out of here.”
