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You see my tears, in the rain underneath it all, we’re just the same
MACHINE GUN KELLY
“Have you any dreams you would like to sell, Bellz? Because I am sick of the nightmares.”
‘Just stop running from the demons in your head.’
“Can you just lay here with me?”
‘Always,’she whispered. I swear I could faintly feel her breath on my naked flesh.
I don’t want to move from this bed with her in it. I know I have to I watch her, reach out for her, but my hands go through her body. She moved like smoke wisps swirling around me. Her smile was bright, her eyes slightly sad as they mirror mine.
“I have to say goodbye today to a body,” I mouthed out, drawing the features of her face in thin air as she blinked at me.
‘You do.’
“I’m so not ready.” I felt new, fresh hot tears prickle behind my eyes.
“They have made you into their weapon and told you to find peace. Just like him. He was made into the monster he is because of people and their choices. Don’t be afraid, babes, because you’re far stronger than any man. Don’t be afraid to let me go because I’m always here. Don’t be afraid to face tomorrow without me because you’re not going to. Get up and shower. We have a funeral to get to.”
* * *
It had been four unbearable days without my best friend. Yet I sat on the cold wooden bench seat inside a damp, dark, and freezing church with her next to me. Her body was inside a cherry-red coffin on a table draped in black lace. All her plans, all her touches, her colors. She loved, she laughed, she cried, and then she died.
I reached out for her and fell short. Hot tears rolled down my face as I watched her mother break over her coffin. I couldn’t make out any words that fell from her quivering lips. She was broken-hearted, so lost without her Bella-Marie. Her father fell to his knees in front of the coffin that held his princess as his queen wept onto the gloss finish. It shone brightly, like her. Like she had. No matter where you went, what room you walked into, they all stopped and stared at her. She was far too magical for this place. The world knew it and orbited her in worship. I had let them down. I hadn’t gone to them, held them when they were falling apart. I went to a club, downed tequila and swallowed little pills. Danced on a pole and sold what was left to the devil. I wanted to walk inside the darkness with a monster. My insides screamed for her. I was falling, and I hated the feeling of utter emptiness.
“Time without you is like knives in my heart. I want to taste that little pill again that will help ease the ghost of you dancing inside my soul,” I mouthed to her as she sat on the edge of the second step that her father had fallen to. His hand was on her coffin, his head bowed, as tears dropped from his sad eyes. Her hand rested on his shoulder, trying with everything to comfort him when he needed it. He lost his world the moment she took her last breath, and it was in my arms. They weren’t there. They didn’t get to kiss her still warm lips, hold her hand and fall apart while her soul floated from this earth to the heavens above. I did, and I ran. Afraid of the feeling of loss, the suffocation that came with a day without her.
The pastor stood before us, his hands folded in front of him. Bellz’s brother helped his parents to their seats. They couldn’t even speak of her, how remarkable she was, their pain far too immense. My body quivered as the sun shone through the stained glass image of the Mother Mary, lighting the gloomy church in shards of bright light, like a rainbow.
I twisted my black dress, boho style with cherry red docs and black lace, actively to shield the raw brokenness that sat inside my eyes. I was shattered. An ice cold hand reached for mine, unlinking it from the fabric of my dress and locking it with theirs. I didn’t even need to look. I knew who it was and I hated the touch. I tried to pull away from his repulsive touch and his fingers dug deeper. “You’re hurting me,” I pleaded under my breath.
“Good,” he spat.
“Not here. Can you not do this.” I twisted my eyes to meet his and I wanted to vomit. He was just as vulgar as always. He had changed. He was for self-gain and I was the stepping ladder for him to conquer.
“I’ve given you months… fuck, years. She’s gone and you will come back with me.” I tried to swallow past the lump of fear.
“No,” I stuttered out, squaring my hunched shoulders. “I won’t be.”
“You will be, Brenyn. I have a car waiting.” I looked away from him toward Bellz’s mom and dad, her brother’s eyes locked on mine. He gave me a weak smile—if only he knew.
“I’m sorry,” I mouthed, and he closed his eyes. I did the same. I couldn’t believe he was doing this the day I had to say goodbye. When I flickered my eyes open, Killian stood dressed in a suit and cheery red Docs on his feet-her color theme, her boots, her signature look. How did he know? “How,” I mouthed.
“I’d like you to take your hands off my wife,” he snapped through clenched teeth as he sat down and pulled me into him. He kissed my temple as his eyes locked on Eric’s.
Eric let my hand go with a shove. I ran my other hand over the crescent moon marks left by his nails in my skin and focused my eyes onto Bellz’s coffin. She sat on the lid with her legs crossed watching the sadness around us at her passing.‘Quite depressing isn’t it,’she stated matter of factly.‘That all these people sit here, and cry, mourn and weep for me, for my death. Not my life lived or lost, but for them. For the way they feel. Why the hell didn’t they come see me, send flowers, ask if my parents were ok? But, we shall sit in a church and blatantly lie to his holiness with large, fake crocodile tears. Bullshit, Brenyn. Bullshit is what it is.’I couldn’t help but snicker at her waving her hands around, watching them all. Eye balling girls from our high school dressed in black, clutching each other’s hands, and shedding tears for a women they hadn’t seen in years.
I sat there numb as her brother Josh spoke about his beautiful baby sister. He worshiped her like the world did. Next it was a girl from high school followed by another and another. I was in awe of the false babble leaking from their mouths. The priest spoke a little. Gave a small poetic passage from his bible—this part was a request of her mother’s. Bellz rolled her eyes as he spoke. Killian’s hand never left mine. I stole glances at him and his hands every now and again when I needed a breather from the enormous weight of her coffin in front of me. My parents and brothers sat behind me. I could hear whispers from their lips. My mother’s voice was shaky, far too much Xanax and vodka with lemon and not enough fresh air and sun. She was crazy, and I was the puppet in her mind fuckery. Killian’s hand, a hand filled with rings on both and tattoos on his flesh. There were black lines and letters mixing with designs of skulls and a cross. His wrist held an interesting piece of jewelry—a bangle with twisted black leather, small silver beads, and a razor blade that sat flush over his flesh. A small heartbeat was cut through the brilliant shine of the silver. I reached my fingers out and ran them shakily over the blade, my small finger tips pressed over the heartbeat. “I know what it’s like to want to cry forever,” he whispered the words into my ear, his warm breath tickling the hairs on the side of my neck. “It’s your turn to speak, little lady. Take a deep breath.” I closed my eyes over his words and held them close. I didn’t think I could. He pressed his hand into my thigh, digging slightly, pulling me from within myself. I took a deep breath, pressed myself up from the pew, and took the few short steps toward her coffin. I watched as she took her spot next to Killian, her head leaning on his shoulder and a shit eating grin on her face. Killian nodded at me and Bellz winked, giving me a thumbs up.
I cleared my throat, cast my eyes to her coffin. An enormous bouquet of white lilies adorned the top with strips of eucalyptus leaves scattered through—a small token from me for her of our favorite smells. She was my favorite human. Photos of us clung to helium balloons that bounced, tied to little painted stones to be released with the ones of her and her parents, brother and her life adventures. All special moments tied to little balloons to meet her in heaven. Tears welled, and I tried so hard to suck them back and bury them in the pit of utter pain inside my chest.
“The reality of loss is absolutely crippling, isn’t it?” I pushed the words out of my breaking chest to the wet and sad eyes of the church. My legs shook, wobbled, trying to hold my empty soul up. Eric stood at the solid wooden doors of the quaint wee white church. His eyes bored into mine. I blinked at the hebbie jebbies his eyes gave me. I wondered how I ever dated that for so many years. I was thankful for the last two with Bellz being sick in a small way, as I used her as a smokescreen of avoidance. He wasn’t what I wanted, liked or needed. He became demanding, controlling, narcissistic and violent. He wanted my father’s last name and the money that went with it. The power and the fame. He didn’t want me, he wanted what I could give him. Greed is a powerful emotion, isn’t it? Just like avoidance.
“It’s funny how the warning signs feel like butterflies. I’ve had plenty of those little butterflies and I’ve always hoped that they were just that… little butterflies. But they never have been. They have always brought with them horror, heartache, and pain. I had the same feeling five years ago.” When I said those words, I looked at Eric. “I turned a blind eye and ran wild through the summer with Bellz and made memories and plans to settle down.” Taking a deep breath, I stole a glance at Killian, his legs were hip-length apart. He leaned back against the pew, impossibly huge and absolutely stunning. Bellz sat right next to him, her legs thrown over his. I smiled at her and he thought it was meant for him. He gave me a subtle nod. Reassurance for me to carry on. I was doing fine. No, I was falling inwardly apart and felt as though I could blow away any moment if a gust of wind blew in from the street.
“Twenty-eight months ago I had the same feeling inside my stomach as Bellz and I sat in a doctor’s office, waiting on the edge of our seats. We were hoping that the swollen belly was what we wanted it to be, a little baby for us to love and cherish forever. Bellz wanted nothing but to be a mother. That dream and those butterflies where shattered with an ‘I am so sorry Miss Wigmore, but what we found was cancerous.’ His mouth moved over words that we didn’t hear as tears fell and we clutched each other’s hands in a death grip. Our worlds changed that day and it ultimately brought us here today… to this church, because my best friend, my human, died.” A shattering sob left me, my hands dug into the wooden stand in front of me. I bowed my head as tears dropped over my pieces of paper. Little black outlines of lily’s embeded into the paper, a gift from her to write my last words to her soul on the day I didn’t want to ever come around. I couldn’t catch my breath or stop the tears. The words won't come out right. I needed air in my lungs. I needed to move my mouth to form the sounds needed to make them laugh, make then remember her in a small way… to trigger happiness within them when I was breaking the most. When the next full moon would rise, she won’t be earthside to cleanse crystals and howl at the moon with me… to run in and out of the lake in our panties and bras, laughter leaving us as tequila danced though our blood.
