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“I know.” Really, I did. He had been nothing but a gentleman. I, on the other hand, was a mess. “I just want to be normal, and normal people can have sex without freaking out.”
“Pff, normal. I like you better the way you are.” He nodded to the bedroom. “Come on, your Snuggly Boo wants a hug.”
I chuckled and followed him through the door. Fumbling with my shirt, I sat at the foot of the bed. Now what? Sex? Could I go through with it two days in a row,
Sean climbed to the center of the bed and petted the sheets next to him. “All the way up here, darling.”
“I don’t know if I can have sex right now,” I admitted.
“I told you, we don’t have to. We need to talk first, anyway.”
Right. That’s where he’d remind me he didn’t do serious relationships, and I shouldn’t get too attached. With my baggage, who’d want anything serious with me, anyway?
I lay down next to him, looking at the ceiling, unwilling to meet his eyes. “Alright. Go ahead.”
“I didn’t use a condom last night,” he said.
I moved my head slowly to meet his gaze. Oh, crap. When was the last time I had my period? Had it been two weeks or three? Three. Definitely three.
“I didn’t do it on purpose, I swear, but if I got you pregnant, I’m here for it.”
If he got me pregnant?
The voices from the past screamed at me. Accused me. Hit me. The nausea. The blood.
“Vera?” Sean’s strong arms pulled me back to reality.
“I’m not getting rid of it,” I said.
“Okay.” He lifted my chin. “I didn’t say anything about getting rid of it. I said I’m here for you. Whatever happens, I’m here for you.”
“Okay,” I whispered, trying to calm my breathing.
“Where did you go just now?” he asked, his eyes still gentle, but his hands firm.
“It was nothing.” One last steadying breath. The past couldn’t hurt me. “Well, are we just going to lie here or are you gonna fuck me?”
“We’re going to lie here.”
Of course, we were. I was all screwed up and now that he saw it, he wanted nothing to do with me.
I tried to get up, but Sean kept his arm on my waist, not stopping me so much as slowing me down.
“Stay here,” he said. “Please.”
I plopped back down, and Sean immediately hugged me to his chest, his cheek resting on my head. Almost like he wanted me here. Like he needed to feel me. Just wishful thinking on my part.
“All I can think about right now is how much I want to beat the crap out of the asshole that did this to you,” Sean said. “And that’s not the state of mind I want to be in when I’m inside you. I can’t trust myself when I’m like that.”
I frowned, trying to figure out what he meant. Wanting to smack my adopted father, sure. I wanted it too. Why couldn’t he trust himself to be with me, though?
I kept quiet, not wanting to make myself look more like a mess than I already did. And that’s with me not even freaking out during sex. If either of us shouldn’t trust ourselves, it should be me.
“It’s weird,” Sean said into my hair. “I always thought a baby would make me run for the hills. There was always this ‘what if’ in my head, ever since Mom told me that Dad only started drinking after Damian was born. Until then, Dad was the perfect husband, never raising a hand, always helpful.”
I stayed quiet, counting Sean’s heartbeats as he prepared himself to say more.
“When I realized I screwed up with the condom…I don’t know. I just can’t see myself snapping like that on my kid or on you.” He kissed my hair. “But then I remember how I punched the wall that one time and maybe I could, if I was drunk enough and pissed at someone else.”
“I thought you quit drinking.”
“Yeah. I’m not taking any chances.”
Some of the tension in my shoulders floated away at his explanation. He was being silly. Anyone in their right mind could see he wasn’t that kind of person.
