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ChapterThirty-One
Chase
“Come on, Dad. You must have some idea.”
My dad eyed me from across the table where we sat in his kitchen. I'd stopped by late one morning to have coffee with him before going into the station.
“Son, you know I would tell you if I knew.”
“You didn't tell me about this.” As soon as I spoke, I knew those words weren't fair.
He closed his eyes, but not before I saw the pain in them. When he opened them again, his gaze was weary and resigned. “I didn't tell you because I didn't actuallyknow. Maybe I had my suspicions, but I didn’t believe it was worth kicking up a fuss over something I didn’t know.Iraised you. You're my son. None of this changes my love for you.”
“I'm sorry, Dad. I shouldn't have said that,” I said quickly. “It doesn't change how I feel about you.” I paused, taking a healthy gulp of coffee. “Did you ever wonder if she had another child?”
“Son, I can guarantee you that your mother did not have another child after she had your sister. Even if she had an affair, we were never apart for nine months. I think you’re inviting trouble by wondering things like that.”
I knew he was right. “I still can’t believe she hid this from me. Apparently, she was involved with my bio dad off and on for a year.”
“Your mom was like a firecracker.” My eyes widened, and he shrugged. “That was your mom. She was exciting, bright, and hard to look away from when things were good. But if you got too close, you got burned. I didn't know who she dated before we met. I knew she had a boyfriend from a summer job. She blamed the breakup on him.”
“It sounds like he's the one who called it off,” I said flatly. “He caught her cheating on him.”
“Makes sense,” my dad interjected practically. He cocked his head to the side, studying me. “Chase…” He let out a heavy sigh. “You need to come to peace with what you don't know about your mom. This will eat you up inside. I'm sorry. All I wanted to do was be a father to you and make sure you had a good life.”
“You did, Dad. You did. It’s just—”
“I know. Your mom was not easy. I never knew how to fix that part of everything. I just kind of let it drift because anything else seemed worse. I wanted her around for your sake.”
“So it didn't hurt you that she was always…?” I pressed, not stating the obvious fact she was so often bouncing in and out of our lives..
He shrugged. “At first, I wanted your mom to want to settle down. I eventually just saw it for what it was. She wasn’t one to stay in one place.”
“What about you and Mr. Green?”
“Yeah, that burned. Not because of your mom, but because of him. Yet I even understood how he ended up in that situation. In his case, he was older and going through a rough patch in his marriage. I’m sure she made him feel on top of the world.”
I knew how my mother's attention could feel. It was bright and all-encompassing when it was positive. The shade cast in the aftermath was cold and created a sense of loss.
“I know you're right,” I finally said. “I’m working on coming to terms with it.”
“How's Hallie?” my dad asked.
My smile came automatically. “She's good.”
“How are things working out with you two?”
“Good, I think. I don't know if this is the right approach. I didn't know what else to do. We're having a baby together. If we have a chance at a relationship, it seems we might want to figure that out sooner rather than later.” My dad nodded. “I'm just hoping it works out.”
“Chase, just be careful.”
“About what?”
“You're having a baby together. Your baby is far more important than anything else.”
My heart ached through several beats as I realized he wasn't just talking about Hallie and me. He was talking about the choice he made when my mom told him she was pregnant with a baby—me—who turned out not to be his. But he made the commitment before I was even born, and he’d kept it. That was the man he was.
“I know, Dad.”
