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I run a hand through my hair, dropping my notes to the floor. “Moncrieff came. I don’t know why — nothing happened,” I add quickly when Finlay instantly tenses. “I think he was just here to gloat.”
“Smug prick,” Finlay mutters. He grabs Dr. Moncrieff’s vacated chair and drags it closer to Luke. He takes Luke’s hand between both of his, lifting it to his mouth, and blows out a soft breath. “Well, this is shite.”
“I know.”
“Ye still think it was deliberate?”
“It’s got to be.” I pause, Dr. Moncrieff’s words still ringing in my ears. “Right?”
Behind Luke’s hand, Finlay’s mouth twists to the side. His face is downcast with remorse. “I wisnae close enough tae see,” he says, sounding bitter with self-loathing. “I should’ve been lookin’ harder. Whit was I thinkin’? Too busy on a high after that fuckin’ caber toss.”
“Itwasa good toss. I don’t think Luke would deny that.”
Finlay grins at me. “But naw, I dunno whit happened on the pitch. It’s your word against the school’s, and nae offense tae Lochkelvin,” he adds in a sarcastic tone, “but for some reason I’m mair inclined tae believeyou.”
Dr. Moncrieff must have been messing with my head because I’m starting to doubt what I saw or didn’t see, versus how much of it was something I almost expected.
“You been daein’ homework?”
I nod, glancing at the stack of notes by my side.
“Good,” Finlay says approvingly.
Finlay is the most vocal about wanting me to concentrate on my studies, and I understand it’s important, but right now it feels like the hardest thing in the world.
“I… I’m tired of this.”
“Whit? Homework?”
“Everything.” It’s one word but I may as well have twisted a valve to unleash a torrent. “Antiro’s outthere. They’re getting more and more powerful. And besides… I hate school. I hate the subjects, and I hate knowing that I’m failing most of them. There’s no hope for me.” I don’t know what Dr. Moncrieff was talking about:smart. Since fucking when? Compared to everyone else here, academically I’m a lost cause. “What’s the point of even learning? It’s becoming clear that the bigger fight is happening outside these castle walls, and I want to know more about that than the stupid theoretical shit Lochkelvin forces us to endure.” Relief floods my body and I’m breathless by the end of my speech. All of these concerns had been locked away, buried deep and confined inside me for too long; voicing them to another is liberation.
I want to grab hold of this airy sensation and remember how unburdened I become when divulging my problems to another. The lightness of it, the weightlessness. It’s like lifting the boulder from this afternoon and realizing it’s completely hollow.
Trying to be strong is easy.Beingstrong is impossible when the demon who resides inside me decides I’ve buried too many of my secrets, that space is getting cramped with these useless, unvoiced anxieties. I could have poured my heart out to anyone, but it’s Finlay who’s here and it’s Finlay who listens to my worries intently.
“The real politics are out there,” I whisper when Finlay doesn’t respond. “Don’t you get it? It’s not in a classroom. It’s not in a textbook. It’s outthere.”
“Of course I get it.” Finlay sounds tired. He rubs the bridge of his nose. “I’m like you. I want tae be in the heart o’ the action at a’ times. But sassenach, dae ye no’ see? The heart o’ the action is wherever Luke is. It’s inevitable.” He nods down at his fellow chief. “And if whit ye’re sayin’ is true and that this was a deliberate act, then that right there is political.” He locks his bright green gaze with mine, looking faintly troubled. “I know school can be a drag, especially wi’ some of the weapons we have as teachers, but dinnae go chasin’ danger just ‘cause ye’re bored. I’d rather be oot there an aw than learnin’ fucking algebra, but oot there isnae safe for Luke. Lochkelvin, for the maist part, is.”
“But even Rory thinks Lochkelvin isn’t safe.”
“Then where does he go?” Finlay asks pragmatically. “Rory would force him tae wear a suit o’ bubble wrap if he could — and no doubt Luke would still rock it, the jammy bastard. Lochkelvinissafe. We just have tae stay vigilant. The ootside world? Naw, we wouldnae be allowed tae walk five paces wi’oot any o’ us — never mind Luke — bein’ attacked.”
I contemplate Finlay’s words. “You really think it’s that bad?”
“I think it’s gonnae be. We’ve had tae work a full-time campaign around school just tae getLochkelvintae stay on board wi’ Luke. Christ knows how bad it is in the ootside world. And noo ye’re sayin’ Callum Wells smacked him deliberately, which could reset a’ oor progress. Ye know only too well there’s nothin’ Lochkelvin students love mair than pickin’ on the weak. Character-buildin’, aye. We’re a dirty, exploitative bunch o’ vultures.”
Between us, Luke shifts in his sleep. His expression turns from peaceful to disturbed, and for a moment he’s so restless that I think he’s about to abruptly wake. But then whatever fit took hold of him ceases, and he relaxes once more against the pillows.
“He’s been havin’ nightmares,” Finlay reveals quietly, his attention caught on Luke. “Every night. Either me or Rory have tae talk him oot o’ it. Sometimes he gets violent.” He nurses the top of his bicep tenderly before adding in a dry tone, “Though I’ve a feelin’ he knows exactly whit he’s daein’ and is dishin’ oot pain because I wrote the — well… you know.”
The dossier. I think back on that stupid thing, the weight of power I’d felt as the thick parchment had brushed the skin of my palm. Keeping it safe at Benji’s behest. Discovering it somewhere altogether unexpected.
Finlay’s grasping Luke’s hand, using his knuckles as a pillow for his cheeks. And that’s a very Finlay thing, I realize. As Luke’s knuckles press into the bone of Finlay’s cheek, what else can it be other than a subtle punch. The soothe of pain, the hint of violence against Finlay. He’d take it. All of it. Every shred of pain in the world, I believe Finlay would swallow it whole, willing himself to be Luke’s punchbag to make amends for past misdeeds.
And so it’s why I say to him quietly, “There’s something I never told you.” He glances up, tilting his head against Luke’s fist in order to meet my eyes across the bandaged expanse of Luke’s body. “About the dossier. Something I think you ought to know.”
