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I look at where she is staring, imagining them there, lying on towels, two young lovers. “He used to make me laugh until I thought my insides would never stop aching.”
I turn from the sea and study her face trying to place these memories she has with the childhood I remember. My brain it seems is truly lacking in imagination because I can’t visualise it at all. “It sounds wonderful, Mum.” There’s a shadow of hollowness inside of me. Have I ever had a moment of idyllic happiness like the one she’s reminiscing on now? I can’t help but wonder if I’ve given Isaac the best childhood I could have. Have we had idyllic moments on the beach being baked by the sun until we go home glowing? Have I totally messed up with the choices I’ve made? I shake the thoughts away, remembering that path I’ve walked I chose to carve on my own and spin the attention back to her. “Dad was such a handsome man; he must have been a real catch.” I squeeze her arm and she turns back from the sea to stare at me, looking hard at my face. The giggles of a child down at the tide being chased by the surf pulls a question without thinking from me. “It’s funny, I don’t remember coming here with you and Dad. Did we come, as a family I mean?” In my gut I want to be part of this sepia set and sun crisped memory. Mum stares at me blankly, her lips pursed.
She doesn’t know me. It’s only me in this moment. The realisation makes my eyes blink fast and my stomach roll heavily. If I was ever in this scene she doesn’t remember, as though I don’t fit into the once perfect past that she allows herself to recall. Isaac is way ahead now and I have a strange urge to call him back, to hug him, kiss his cheek and make his squirm like a contortionist as he tries to escape my grasp. Mom is lost to me, but Isaac is still here. I still have the chance to make things right, even if I don’t know where to start.
“Isaac, it’s time to go home,” I holler. Mum doesn’t even blink at my shout, still lost in the past I never knew.
Isaac comes back and I can’t help but laugh. “Nine years old and can’t eat an ice cream without covering your face.” I lick my finger to wipe it off, but he’s too quick and dodges my ministrations.
“Yeah, well at least I haven’t trodden in dog poo.”
I look down at my feet and sigh. Goddammit.
Now it’s dark outside and Mum is watching tv. I’ve given Isaac a last half an hour with my iPad before he has to hand it over ready for his back-to-school early bedtime. I figured we should have a go at reading or something. Just to make sure he could still read after a summer holiday of not even picking a book up.
The twitchy, restless feeling which attacked me this morning is itching its way back into my skin.
Raiding the fridge, I pull out a bottle of wine. Funnily enough, I’ve stocked up the fridge with a fair volume of the stuff. I’ll have a quick sip and then start the bedtime battle with Isaac.
The doorbell disturbs my second lug of Pinot. The moment I hear the shrill ring, this heavy, low, expectant feeling grows in the pit of my tummy. My legs start a wobble before I’ve even contemplated walking to see who’s there.
Tentatively, I unlatch the door and peer out.Please don’t be him.I can’t do that again.
It is. He’s propped against the wall, hands in his pockets.
“What are you doing here, Freddy?” My voice is wobbling more than my legs. I sound breathless, like I’ve been running for too many years over a too long distance.
Slowly, he peels himself away from the wall. His right hand reaches and rubs around the back of his neck.My legs wobble faster. “It’s funny, Amber.” He doesn’t make it sound funny. It sounds like someone’s died. “I can’t seem to stay away.”
“What do you mean?”
He doesn’t respond. He takes one deliberate step across the space separating us. Unable to move, I remain frozen. He takes another step, his pace giving me the chance to back away. I don’t. I pull the door closed behind me and wait for his next move; the whole time my entire body shakes with anticipation.
“I can’t stay awayfrom you.” His voice is nothing more than the lowest murmur as he slides his hands along my shoulders until they reach my neck and entwine with my hair. I watch his lips lower to mine in slow motion. This isn’t like last night. This is slow and deliberate. Expectation runs through me, heightening all my senses. I’m like a blind woman waiting in the dark for the touch she’s been missing all her life. I can hear the rustle of the leaves in the trees, the cricket on the overgrown lawn, and I can see his mouth—the curve that used to be so familiar to me—getting closer and closer. The sensation of his fingers against my scalp sends ripples of heat across my skin.
His lips touch mine, the lightest brush of skin against skin. A gentle rustle in the still of the night.
That’s it. My body springs forward finding its way into the familiar grooves of his. His arms slide around me and he tugs me closer and closer. Flames lick along my skin where the pressure of his body meets mine and my mouth opens hungrily, trying to get as much of him as possible.
Leaning into me, he presses me against the front door. A soft groan escapes my lips. This is like denying yourself chocolate for a lifetime and then one day giving in and just diving headlong into a vat of the stuff. My hands skim along the curve of his back, fingers trailing the dip in the base of his spine. The muscles underneath are still taut and firm. His fingers pull on my hair, lifting my chin for his mouth to explore. Our breathing is heavy and fast in the night air, our chests rising and falling in unison.
“Mum!” The front door flies open from behind me, and I take a step back, my weight free-falling without the support of the door.
Freddy catches me. His arms, which still feel like they are made of steel, hold me up from landing on my arse.
His eyes are open wide; shock radiating from his features. Instantly his arms release me, and he takes a step back as Isaac moves further onto the front step to investigate.
“Isaac, go inside. I’ll be in in a moment.” My voice sounds foreign to my own ears. It’s a crackled whisper as my past and my present collide around me. Freddy is staring at Isaac, his eyes searching over him, roving along every inch, absorbing the sandy hair and tall frame.
Without saying a word, Isaac closes the door and Freddy and I are left suspended in the moment, our past and present smashing together with an earth shattering crash.
Freddy steps away from me. His head shaking slightly from side to side. “A child?” He almost mutters the words. Sounding them and tasting them on his tongue. Like if he says them it will make it easier to understand.
“Didn’t Dani tell you?” I kind of assumed she would. Maybe even a part of me hoped she would tell him, so it wouldn’t have to be me.
He shakes his head, wordless.
“Do you want to sit down?” I motion to the front steps with my hand. He looks at them, dazed, like he’s forgotten what steps even are, but slowly nods his head.
