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We sit in silence, our legs close but not touching. I wish they would. That charge I got earlier, with his body against mine, that’s a once in a lifetime electric charge. There is only one person I ever felt that with and he’s sitting right next to me.
Suddenly the last ten years of denial, of ignoring my heart and stopping my thoughts seem really long, and I recognise one astounding fact. It may not have been love with Freddy, but he is the only person who has ever had any real effect on me. It’s something about him. Another memory flashes awake.It’s because he’s magic.How could I have forgotten it? What else have I made myself forget because I was angry and hurt? I’d definitely forgotten how beautiful he is, and how he charges my skin every time he touches it.
Exhaustion washes over me, and a tiredness like none I’ve ever known floods every cell in my system the moment I stop fighting the memories and feelings that a teenage me tried to forget.
I was eighteen. It wasn’t my fault.
“Why did you leave, Amber?” He whispers the question out into the now dark sky.
“Because you broke me . . . broke up with me.”
He turns slightly, his gaze catching mine. Exasperation furrows his brow; and his lips, which used to grin at every opportunity, are set in a firm line. “I’ve waited ten years to get the chance to explain. I’m probably going to fuck it up.” He offers a rueful laugh and rubs the back of his neck with his hand. “Amber, I was scared. We were so young, and I hated that you’d given up months of your life while I was stuck in that damn hospital. Then when you said you were going to stay here, I panicked. I didn’t want you to resent being with me. I just wanted more for you.”
I carefully think through his words, picking up threads of forgotten dreams that chase through my mind.
“So it wasn’t my mum?” I always believed it was my mum who had convinced him to break up with me. I hated her for it, and him for listening to her. It’s the single reason I never came back. Two people conspiring against you is enough to make you feel unwelcome. Their apparent conspiracy ten years ago left a deep wound on my heart. By the time it had healed, and I allowed my subjective older self to contemplate the situation, too much time had passed to come back. I regret it now. It made me miss seeing my dad. But that’s hindsight for you, and hindsight’s a bitch.
“I never spoke to your mum. It was your acceptance letter to Suffolk which made up my mind.” He speaks the truth. I can hear it in every syllable.
A sob starts to build inside me when I acknowledge what my anger has done. It’s prevented me from having an adult relationship with my family and stopped me from coming home.
“I didn’t want you to regret me,” he continues.
“What do you think I feel now?” I can barely get the words out. My chest is heaving with the tears I’ve created from my own blind stupidity.
“Regret.” The word slices through the night air. He turns and his own eyes are lined with unspent tears. Slowly, one falls and then another and I start to cry too. His arms slide around my waist as he pulls me in tight, our breaths hot and our skin clammy with salt water.
When I’ve calmed down, I shift away. “You once told me you thought our love was too easy.” I watch the memory flicker in his eyes. “Is it hard enough for you now?” I stare at him intently. “Has it been hard enough for you, Freddy?”
It’s been hard enough for me. Ten long years of missing someone so much you could bleed, but at the same time, denying the pain exists.
“Yeah, it’s hard enough.”
When I came back to town, I thought if I found out Freddy had missed me like this for ten years, it would make me feel better, vindicated. But it doesn’t. It makes me feel empty and hollow, just like I did in the days before Isaac arrived.
“What now?” he asks.
“Nothing. Freddy. We can’t do that again. Anyway, Isaac comes first. He’s always come first.”
Freddy runs his hands down his jeans. “Did you marry his dad?”
I look at him long and hard. “No.” The relief I see on his face makes me soften my stance. “I never got to tell him.” Automatically, my go-to, standard line falls from my lips. If Freddy has anything to say about this, or any questions to ask, he keeps them to himself.
“So what now?” He asks again. The grin I used to know so well flickering to the surface.
I let out a nervous chuckle. “What now? Well now you live in the village, and I live in the village. Some days we see each other and we wave like old friends. We say hi and then we walk on, back to our own lives.”
“We could.” He gives a partial nod of agreement. “We could,” he repeats again. In a blindingly fast move he reaches for my face, lifting it in his hands. His lips come against mine, the lightest of feather touches, just like the very first time he kissed me. The memory comes back with the kiss. Breathing out a sigh, I open my mouth and he moves in, closer, hotter, more insistent, kissing away ten years of absence.
My head is spinning when he pulls away. A magic eraser washes a third of my life away and I forget I’m no longer eighteen. Blood rushes through my body, heading to areas long starved. “Or we could do that,” he murmurs low.
“Bleugh.”
Freddy starts to chuckle and stands from the step. Holding out a hand, he pulls me up alongside him. “It’s okay, Amber. I’m not expecting a miracle, nor for you to forgive me. It was just nice to be able to do that again.”
I open my mouth to speak, but it just flaps around, useless and of no help.
“Goodnight, Amber.” He steps away and walks down the path.
