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FOUR
STELLA
ME: Are you coming over tonight?
I tap my fingernails nervously on my bedside table. Every time I text him and those three taunting little dots appear, it’s like my heart stops, anxiously awaiting his response.
KAI: You sure no one will be home?
I inwardly cringe at his question.Would it really be so bad if someone saw us together?For months we’ve been sneaking around, meeting up late at night or when everyone else is otherwise occupied, keeping our conversations behind a small glass screen.
I’m tempted to lie just to see what he’d say, but I’m afraid I already know his response. Our friendship is one we keep hidden behind closed doors, away from our closest friends. An illicit affair, well without the affair, since one thing he’s made sure is we remain nothing but friends.
ME: Scarlett’s out with Ace, Jade’s snuck out every day this week, and Ruby, well, she’s already there in your dorm.
There they are again, those three little dots.
KAI: Leave the door unlocked for me, Dollface. I’ll see you in a few.
My heart stammers fiercely in my chest as I reread that last message.
Dollface. I have no idea where the nickname came from. It just happened one day, and he hasn’t stopped using it since.
I have to admit, I’m really glad he hasn’t.
Trying to calm myself and not get overly excited about the fact Kai is coming over tonight, I jump off my bed and head over to my closet, pulling out my cutest matching pajama set.
White silk, with small little roses embroidered on the hem. It’s the sexiest pair I own and if I’m going to go through with my plan of seducing him tonight, this is the only way.
For two weeks, Kai has come over and spent the night almost every day. We’ve been careful, making sure neither Drake nor Jax, nor Ruby or the girls figure it out. Midterms are approaching, so it’s been pretty easy hiding in my room under the ruse of studying hard.
After all, Stella Silver can fail at nothing. Except getting the guy.
In reality, I’ve been enjoying stolen moments with a boy I’m secretly crushing on, who hasn’t a damn clue. Of course, he knows I exist, but as nothing more than a friend. I’m the shy loner girl who is easy to talk to and fun to hang out with. If he only knew how I really felt, I’m afraid he wouldn’t tread so easily around me.
Because a girl like me will never matter to a guy like him. Nothing more than a dirty little secret to indulge in when nobody’s watching.
Not that Kai’s indulged. I can’t even get him to make a move and kiss me. He almost did once. I was so close to getting my lips on his, but then he pulled away like he always does.
That all changes tonight, at least that’s the plan.
Suddenly my palms are sweating. Just the thought of potentially declaring myself to Kai and being thoroughly rejected is enough to make me nauseous. I know he’s not repulsed by me, that much I’m certain of. He continuously calls me beautiful, has even used the word sexy from time to time, but his actions prove otherwise. He’s flirted with me, teased me, but that’s just it.
That’s all it’s ever been and I’m so fucking tired of wondering if I’ve made it all up in my head. The longing stares when he thinks I’m not watching, the tender gestures when no one else is around. It’s driving me crazy, and that’s not something I can afford. Not when I fear I’m already clinically insane.
Which is why all of it will be remedied tonight.
Tip toeing out of my room and into the living room of our dorm room, just in case someone’s around, I head to the front door unlocking it for when Kai arrives. Opening the mini fridge, I grab a bottle of tequila and a couple of seltzers to use as chasers, and reach for a bag of Hot Cheetos, from the cupboard above. It’s my go to snack when alcohol is involved or I need anything artificially spicy.
Back in the room my pulse skyrockets, the nerves of tonight being the night I confess everything to him, making me panic.
No, no, no. This can’t be happening, not tonight, but the telltale signs are all there. The sweat, the chills, the trouble breathing, blurred vision, dizziness. Rushing over to my dresser, I pull open the top drawer, rummaging through my underwear until I find my sacred orange bottles. I cannot have one of these goddamn panic attacks, not tonight.
Opening the bottle, I take the small white pill and bring it to my mouth, letting it dissolve on my tongue. I hate the taste, the bitterness stains my mouth, but this is the fastest way they take effect.
Reaching for the bottle of tequila, I wash the remaining residue of the pill away with a drink. My whole being cringes as the alcohol burns its way down my esophagus. I hate the taste but the numbness that comes next, that’s what I live for.
Crawling under my cover with the liquor and snacks, I reach for my laptop, opening up the browser to search for my favorite show about kids just as fucked up as I am, dealing with their pain in the same unhealthy way I am.
