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FIVE
STELLA
Present
I awaken with the most painful headache in the world, the bright light coming in through my open curtains only adding to my discomfort. No hangover can compare to the ache that courses through my body at this moment. The memories of last weekend flood back one by one, like little movies playing in my mind. The beating I took from Stephan didn’t even score as high on my pain chart as being rejected by Kai last night did. A split lip, a bruised rib, even a sprained femur, pale to the slice in my chest when hearing Kai say he doesn’t want me.
Closing my eyes to ease some of the pain, I continue to replay the moments I wish were nothing but a nightmare.
I have to get married.
Kai doesn’t want me.
I’m so fucking screwed.
My phone vibrates and immediately I look over at the clock on my nightstand, 6:00 AM. About this time every morning, I have an unread message from him waiting in my inbox. Like clockwork he appears, sliding his way back into my heart after just hours ago, shattering it to pieces.
Every morning he makes sure to message me before I wake up. For ninety-two days, he has been my alarm clock. Ninety-two days, except for the nights we have spent together. I hesitate to unlock my phone in fear that instead of a message from him, it will be a random notification. Something in my gut tells me that the hope I am attempting to hold on to is foolish.
When he rejected me last night, he made it crystal clear he hadn’t meant to lead me on. He hadn’t meant to make me feel we had more than a tight-knit friendship. He even went as far as admitting he hadn’t meant to kiss me.
I was forcefully shoved into the fucking Friendzone and stamped with a bright red DO NOT TOUCH sign.
His words were laced with sorrow and remorse as he confessed he should have never kissed me. With that one confession, in that fleeting moment, he destroyed the memory of my first kiss. The imperfectly perfect moment we shared. In comfort, friendship, and healing.
I know how much it took for him to hide his feelings, to allow himself to give in, even if it only lasted a second. He doesn’t kiss; he confessed to never letting himself kiss anyone, in fear of making a false commitment and misleading. I know it’s more a fear of attachment, but I made sure not to say it out loud. Kai is nothing but a broken boy, just like the rest of these badass alphas I know.
He gave me that piece of himself and, in return, I gave him a piece of me. A kiss to someone like Kai should be worthless. It should be overused and underappreciated, yet in that moment, I felt the trust he had relinquished to me with just the soft press of his lips.
I recognize the shards of trauma, the tattered pieces of his soul, because they match mine. When we kissed, it meant something. It still means everything. Kai just muddled the moment to hurt me and make me hate him.
Jokes on him though, I can't hate him because you can’t hate something you love.
I’m not giving up on the broken little boy who secretly watches me when we are alone, when no one is watching, only turning away the moment I catch him staring.
???
The rest of the week, I walk around with my head down, trying my hardest to avoid all eye contact with Kai. Unfortunately, I have him in a couple of classes, including gym, but he makes it a point to stay out of my way, even when the whole crew gets together during lunch break.
By Thursday morning, everything is as normal as it can be. I’ve expertly paraded around like I’m not falling apart inside. I can’t let anyone know there is something wrong or different about me that would bring up too many questions I don’t have answers to. Because too many eyes can look too closely, and all of my carefully crafted secrets would be exposed for everyone to see. The good, the bad, and the ugly. Though the ugly is what I try to hide the most.
My life has been in utter chaos since the day my mother died. A recurring nightmare which doesn’t allow me to move on. My father neglected my mom for far too long and this vile world I was born into broke her beyond repair. Broke her into so many pieces, she couldn't put them back together again, choosing instead to end her suffering. Her mind shattered under the constant pain, and when she didn’t feel like fighting anymore, she stopped. Stopped fighting, stopped trying, stopped living. It was all over before I even realized there was a real problem.
My mother took herself from me, and shortly after that, my father did as well, consumed with guilt. In the end, he knew he was to blame.
Where did that leave me?
Alone, so fucking alone. There was no one in the world who loved me. Just when I thought things couldn’t get worse, it happened. I was sent to live with my uncle Stephan, my father’s brother. My father’s identical twin.
I was cursed to see my father’s face every single day, haunted by the memory of him and what he did, and grew to hate the mere sight of it not only because of what he’d done, but what this new monster was doing, terrorizing me night and day. Never in front of others, though, he had to save face, and never in front of Sebastian, because one day, he would grow up to be stronger than the man hurting me, and he knew it.
He knew since we were children that Sebastian would go to great lengths to keep me safe. He did it all the time, even if he tried to hide it. I know for a fact my cousin still doesn’t know about the beatings and abuse. He thinks by taking all of Stephan’s anger that he wouldn't go near me. If only that were true. Anytime Sebastian took a beating for me, I got one just as bad, if not worse. Then I’d begroundeduntil I fully healed or until I learned how to cover up my bruises properly. He would think my punishment was isolation, which, in reality, wasn’t far off of the truth.
He was grooming me to stay silent and hide my pain. To believe that if I stepped out of line, Sebastian would get hurt, and I would be at fault. To keep my composure and prevent his exposure, especially at school.
Sitting in my English class, I find it almost comical how well I have played my part. I should be in an acting class or on stage, accepting a fucking Oscar award for how these years have been brushed aside and concealed. If he could see me now, he’d be fucking proud.
The assignment has been passed out, and now I get to sit here and drown in my thoughts, suffocated by my loneliness. I am back to feeling alone and discarded.
