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Chapter 19
JADE
My eighteenth birthday - a day I both have equally looked forward to and dreaded since the moment I understood what it meant. In the past it signified my freedom, I would finally be anadultand could do with my life as I fucking pleased. Now, it means that for the first time in my entire life, I’m completely on my own, and I’m not quite sure how I feel about that.
I’m usually not one to make a fuss over the day of my birth, not when in reality to me it signifies the day my life ended, at least the day it should have. My mother died giving birth to me, and as much as that phony school psychologist used to say to me, it is in fact my fault. Besides, she was just some quack I was forced to talk to in second grade after nearly sending Peggy Peters to the hospital after blabbing about my mother preferring to die than end up with a daughter like me. I mean sure it was me who grabbed the baseball bat we used for P.E. and bashed it across that thick skull of hers breaking her nose, but if you ask me I did her a favor. That nose job would have been expensive, and now thanks to me Piggy Peters no longer has a pig nose.
It would have been a win, win for me had Lilith not given me a matching bruise across my face that night after having her day interrupted when she was called into the principal's office. Of course the principal didn’t ask where I’d gotten my bruise from, I might even go as far as saying she’d suggested it to Lilith in their meeting. That’s the kind of discipline that happens in schools down in Providence, it all falls under a won’t ask, don’t tell policy.
Yet I somehow was coerced into allowing Sebastian to throw a birthday party in my honor. I’ve never had a birthday party, nor do I know what to expect but I was clear to him that I didn’t want anything big. As a little girl, it was just Scar and I who would celebrate our birthdays, three months apart, alone in our bedrooms either watching our favorite movies on the portable DVD player Roman had stolen for me when I turned eight, or we’d just lay in bed talking about what our birthdays would look like once we got older. Scar always wanted to have pretty dresses and lots of food and music, while I just wanted one thing I knew I could never have.
My mother.
I knew that was an impossible dream, yet that didn't stop me from wishing it for every one of my birthdays, but today my wish will be different, it has to be. Tonight's wish will be that I somehow find the strength to become a mother, when I’ve had nothing to look up to.
I missed my first two doctor appointments and I’d like to say I had good reasons to but I didn’t. I just simply couldn’t get myself to go. I am terrified, although I already know it is certain the doctor will confirm that I am in fact pregnant. Nonetheless I couldn’t get myself to go before, but now I have no choice. Sarah will be coming to pick me up and take me to her OBGYN in Pleasant Hills.
The doctor’s office is quite small, the waiting room walls painted a pale-yellow color with two light blue couches and two matching armchairs set up in an L-shape. The single receptionist sits behind a counter answering phone calls and setting up appointments. Two other nurses walk back and forth behind her grabbing patient files and disappearing into the hall to her left. The walls are covered in posters of everything you need to know about pregnancy, birth control, and all information about a woman's reproductive system. But what has me biting my nails, and breaking into a chilling sweat, is the woman who sits beside me. She’s pregnant, at least eight months if not more. She leans back on the couch, her hands folded on her stomach as she watchesHow Harry Met Sallyon the television mounted up on the far wall.
A cold chill runs through my body as I blankly stare at the poor woman, my stomach suddenly feeling queasy. “You okay sweetie?” Sarah asks, placing her hand on my thigh. I turn to look at her and I must look like I’m about to pass the fuck out because she quickly stands to get me a cup of water from the water cooler set up across the room. She returns with the styrofoam cup, handing it to me as I bring it to my lips to take a sip, but all I can do is wet my lips. I feel as if I were to open my mouth. I'd puke on the floor before us.
“Yeah, I guess I’m just nervous,” I say, but she doesn’t get a chance to reply. A nurse opens the door and steps out of the hallway, “Jade Wolfe,” she calls out, my heart suddenly running at two-hundred beats per minute. I don’t move, just blankly stare at the nurse who watches me inquisitively. It’s not like I can hide or act like I'm not the patient she’s calling for. After all it's just me and the other pregnant woman beside me.
“Come on sweetheart, I’ll ask if I can come in with you,” Sarah says, holding my arm and urging me to stand.
I do as she says, taking one last glance at the pregnant woman beside me who smiles kindly at me as I pass her. “Wait, why wouldn't you be able to come in?” I ask Sarah, not understanding what she said.
“It’s your birthday Jade, you’re eighteen now.” Right eighteen, a legal adult.
“But I need you to come with me Sarah, I can’t go in there alone,” I cry out, suddenly overly anxious and scared.
“Don’t worry dear,” the nurse calls out hearing our exchange, “Your mother can come with you.”
“I’m not…” Sarah says, at the same time I respond “She is…”
“For all intents and purposes you and Grayson are my mom's Sarah, the only ones I’ve ever known.” Her eyes go teary as she smiles kindly at me. I have to turn away so I don’t turn into a pile of mush before everyone in the room. “I’m ready,” I tell the nurse, following her down the hall into one of the exam rooms.
Sterile counters, bright pink walls, and pregnancy posters plastered on every surface.
These are the views I come face to face with as I head into the exam room. The staff seems so calm and relaxed, while I am currently losing my shit. As if she can sense it, Sarah comes closer behind me and places an arm around my shoulder to comfort me. Usually, I’m not this needy, but these pregnancy hormones are no fucking joke. While feeling like I have to puke in the back of my head, I am currently still thinking about getting a birthday cupcake from the shop down the street after the appointment. My thoughts of food are my only distraction when the nurse tells me she's going to step out of the room so I can get more comfortable.
What the fuck does that even mean? Google said I didn't have to take my pants off because I was past the stage where they would need to do the internal scan to see the baby. Fuck that noise. Taking off my pants is what got me in this mess in the first place, there’s no way I’m doing that again. I'm staying dressed today.
Sarah takes a seat over by the door and is chuckling to herself. That's when I realize I’m having my mental rant out loud.
“You try thinking about someone shoving a mammoth cucumber in your hoo-ha and see how excited you are to strip!” I blurt out, to which she just laughs harder.
Regaining her composure Sarah takes pity on me and says, “Not laughing at you sweetie, just enjoying your colorful way of expressing the fact that you didn't want to take your clothes off.” She turns her head looking away, her eyes suddenly sad. “We've definitely missed you and your siblings around the house. The house is too quiet and calm nowadays.” For some reason, call it pregnancy hormones, because I sure as fuck am, that phrase makes me feel helpless and I ache to stop Sarah from hurting. The last thing I would ever want is for Sarah and Grayson to feel like we didn't need or want them. They have been our moms for years, no matter what the state says.
I wish we never would have left. I wouldn’t be in this position if I’d stayed with Sarah & Grayson at the foster house, but Wesley Servite had different plans for us. Bet he’s regretting that move all the way from his grave.
Having abandonment issues has one upside, you never want to make people feel as alone as you once felt. You’ll give and give each part of yourself to people you care for. You’ll give these pieces away like tiny horcruxes that split your soul to make sure that others are secure. All without ever expecting any in return. Never giving anyone else the opportunity to hurt you is rule number one when all you've ever experienced is loneliness.
I write myself a mental note to come around a little more often than I have. Now that school is coming to an end I'll have more freedom to see them as much as I want, and since I’m eighteen now, nobody can make me stay away. The doctor walks in while I'm mid thought making me realize I am still standing in the exact spot I was when the nurse left the room. Reaching out her hand she greets me with a smile, “You must be Jade, I’m Dr. Allison. I'll be performing your exam today.” My hand is trembling when I reach out and accept her greeting. “If you would please take a seat, we can go ahead and get started.”
This woman must think I am a lunatic. Instead of replying or hopping onto the exam table like the good little lab experiment I am, I start to hyperventilate, because why breathe when you can suffocate instead right?
I’ve been to the doctor’s office a million times, why the fuck is this different now? Oh, that’s right because this visit can tell me I’ve already started fucking up my kid before I even get the chance at pushing it out. Jesus Christ I need to get a grip.
