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14 - ADDISON
A very pressing issue was happening in my bladder, waking me from a dreamless sleep. It took me a minute before my head was clear enough to take in my surroundings, realizing we were still at Beth’s house, and there was a warm body tight up against me. A very warm body tickling the hair on my neck as he breathed. One of Simon’s hands was beneath my shirt, resting on my stomach, and the other wrapped around my waist, turning me into a human burrito.
I’d never done this, save for once, and panic threatened to swallow me whole as I thought about the implications. I always slept alone. It was better that way—easier. Uncomplicated. Sleeping in the same bed with someone was an intimacy I didn’t do. It led to feelings, dating, and the big, stupid L word. That word wasn’t something I deserved. I had unconditional love from my parents, brother, and the girls. It was enough.
It was enough.
I repeated the words like a mantra, hoping my dumb, hormonal body would believe me. Because this—feeling Simon’s arms around me and how well I fit into them, wasn’t something I could let continue. He deserved someone whole. Someone who wasn’t a cheater. Selfishly, I wiggled my hips and snuggled closer, hoping I could cover myself with his subtle hints of peppermint and apples so I’d always have a part of him with me. His arms tightened, and he nuzzled my neck, still fast asleep. He should be with someone who could lose herself in him, not someone planning an escape.
The same selfish part of my brain that needed him closer whispered he’d see past—well, my past, if given a chance. The logical part fiercely reminded me what a ridiculous notion that was. It might start all rainbows and unicorns, but one late meeting or lingering hug would plant a seed of doubt. That one seed, one question—Would she cheat again?—would hang over us like a storm cloud, soaking through to ruin everything.
I wasn’t going to take that chance. My body twitched as I struggled to move a millimeter at a time so I wouldn’t disturb the sleeping giant next to me. The nape of my neck got warmer the longer I laid there, and I tapped my toes against the edge of the couch as the tension in my body threatened to boil over.
I had to get up.I had to get away. I couldn’t lie here and pretend he meant nothing, like it was all just fun between us. It was going to hurt—seriously hurt—when we ended things. But I could prevent the worst of it and guard the part of my heart he hadn’t claimed.
Right?
Yes.I scooted forward a smidge, slowly working myself free from the arms that wrapped around me so well. This was why I never slept in the same bed with someone—too afraid it would be something I wanted every night.
I wanted him every night.
“Too early, honey. Go back to sleep,” he murmured to my neck, thrusting his hips against my butt. Feeling the half-hard length of his cock was the sure-fire way for me to forget my name, and for a fleeting second I imagined pressing my body into his and going back to sleep. But between my bladder and rational thought, I instead struggled to remove his arm from my waist.
“I need you to take me home,” I said, clenching my teeth and throwing one leg off the couch.
“Stay, honey. Please.”
The please almost did me in, and I pressed my thighs together thanks to the rumbly-sleepy voice he used.
“I have to get home.” The clock on the television said it was a little after four in the morning. Simon and I had a hospital ribbon-cutting later and planned to check on the Seabee house, but I needed a few hours to myself to regroup before we played the perfect couple again.
“Come on, big guy,” I said, pushing my ass against him, then dislodging my other leg. “Let’s go.”
There was grumbling and sighing but he slowly dragged his hand from around my waist so I could sit up.
“Where’s the fire?” he asked, digging a knuckle in his eye and looking around the living room.
“Just anxious to get home.”
“You’re anxious, alright. But it’s not to get home. Want to try again with honesty? I hate being lied to, honey.”
The sincerity of his voice contradicted the harsh tone, but he reached out and traced a finger down my face, knowing exactly how to soothe my worries.
He knew—and that was the problem.
“Yes,” I said, standing to slip on my shoes. He hated being lied to, and my decision to stay away was cemented in my brain as I tried to find a way to tell him without actually telling him the whole truth. The fact I was even thinking along those lines showed me exactly how much I didn’t deserve him.
The house was silent as we tiptoed to the door after Simon made sure Beth and Will were home, left a note on the kitchen table and locked up. A sliver of sunlight turned the night sky to an indigo blue by the time Simon made it out of their neighborhood and to the highway.
“Please tell me what has you anxious, honey.”
I breathed and reached over the console to lay my hand on his thigh. He put his hand over mine, stroking his fingers over my knuckles.
“I sleep alone, Simon. And when I woke up, surrounded by you, I got jittery. “
“Is this a part of your not dating thing?”
I kept my eyes focused on the horizon as we drove. “No. Yes. Maybe. It’s part of a me thing. I prefer to sleep alone. I prefer being single.”
“You prefer not being completely honest with whatever your hang-up is.”
“That’s not fair and you know it. Don’t take your shit out on me because you don’t like my answer. And who says you deserve my complete honesty? We’re not in love and we’re not dating. We didn’t know each other until a few weeks ago.” I shook my head, sticking my thumbnail in my mouth to keep from saying something I’d seriously regret.
He stayed silent, but I could see how he white-knuckled the steering wheel and how his jaw worked back and forth. A barb was on my tongue, ready for whenever he chose to dig more at what was going on in his head, but he never did.
We pulled up to my house, the silence hanging over us, and both too proud—or stupid—to fix it. Well, fuck that because even though I could never be this man’s everything, he was still someone I cared about, and I wouldn’t leave like this. I didn’t want to leave him at all, but I’d unpack those feelings safely inside with a hot bath and a strong cup of coffee.
“Simon,” I said, reaching for the door handle and finally turning to look at him. “Thank you for inviting me to your sister’s house. I want to give you more, be someone you can be proud to have on your arm, but I’m not going to change. I’m no good for you in the long run. If you can’t respect my decision, this ends now. If you can, you have my number and know where I live.”
His eyes stayed focused in front of him, but his head tilted in the barest of nods. It was the best I’d get given the circumstances, but as I opened the door and walked to my porch, some silly part of me wished he’d followed.
