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Chapter Thirteen
Forgiveness
Samhadn’tspokento me in days. I understood, but hated it all the same. I gave him the time to process our fight. We had nothing but time in this place.
He started work as promised and, much to Dean’s pleasure, avoided me at all costs. He caused himself visible pain by lifting out of his wheelchair and walking away from me more than once. This fight taught me nothing except that we were both stubborn as hell.
Even with his disdain for me, Sam loved BeLew. He helped them study and played games with them in the morning before school. When he would come in at night, I pretended to be asleep. He kissed the boy’s heads before begrudgingly nestling his large body next to mine.
My feelings didn’t matter. BeLew deserved safety and happiness, and Dean seemed to be pacified for the moment. I wanted things with Sam to be okay, but maybe that was asking for too much. I had developed feelings for that bastard. He needed time, and we had at least eleven more months of that.
I helped Lori in the kitchen when I felt restless or lonely in the evenings. The boys would play or do homework in the mess hall, and I stayed occupied with whatever task I could manage. I knew twelve-hour days were not ideal for the long haul, but the alternative was too much to endure. Alone with my thoughts was a dangerous place to be.
Lori and I were closer. My admission to her meant something to us both, and she took every opportunity to reinforce her opinion that I saved BeLew and did not kill my sister. I wanted to believe her, but my deep-rooted self-hatred remained.
“Still fighting with Sam?” she asked one evening. Her question was rhetorical. She saw we ate separate breakfasts and during an inventory meeting Lori attended, we stood on opposite sides of a ten-foot room.
“You know it. I’m nothing if not consistent,” I clipped, taking ingredients to each mixer. I could bake with little direction by then, but the ingredient list lingered on Lori’s whiteboard, just in case.
“You may not have noticed, but the man pool is slim pickings around here, Row, and I’ve been looking. I don’t need your hot ass in the mix, so work it out.”
“Thanks for the pep talk, Lori. It’s really helpful.”
“Remind me what the fight was about again?”
I shut down, and she knew I would. I’d told her I wanted to keep the details of our fight to myself. How would I explain the complexities of this argument? I could fill the entire ship with my secrets.
“He’s not willing to make the sacrifices I am to stay here. Can I just leave it at that?”
“He almost sacrificed a leg!” Lori stopped what she was doing and was staring at me with her hands on her hips. “You are cranky as shit. I appreciate the help, but you are driving me crazy. You need some dick, and wouldn’t you know, there is a fine specimen in your quarters.”
I slammed the ingredients into the mixers. “I’m working on it. He’s adjusting. We are all fucking adjusting. Please change the subject.”
Lori fidgeted with her hands, a solid tell she had something to confess. She walked over and stood next to me. “Enough with the flour! Oh my God, it’s like someone set off a fire extinguisher in here. I have something to talk to you about. It’s about the chemistry assignment you seem so keen to get started.”
That perked my interest.
“So, I should start by confessing I’m sneaking food to the two hundred,” Lori continued.
Momentary confusion quickly turned to fear. “Wait, what? First, we’ve named the stowaways now? Second, you were there on pirate day, right, Lori? Did you push that into your subconscious? Breaking the laws here is punishable by a horrible death.”
“Listen, they cannot work effectively on the rations they’re given,” she seethed. “I can make provisions stretch. I’m already under quota and trust me, it’s working out. You aren’t the only one with friends in this place.”
I rolled my eyes, trying to wave the puffs of flour out of our faces.
“I’ve been talking to some of them, and well,” she drifted off. “Um, it’s just odd. They’re growing in the chemistry building.”
I stood there, waiting for Lori to give me more. I waved my hands in front of her. “Everyone is growing in the ag unit, Lori. It’s the sole purpose of the whole place. Is there something else?”
“They’re growing flowers,” she explained. “That’s odd, right?”
“What the fuck?” I blurted. “I don’t know. Are you sure?”
Lori brought her hands to her hips and groaned. “I’m sure that’s what they told me. I’m not sure what that means, but I’ve warned you, and now you know.”
“Okay, well, thanks. I guess.” I didn’t know what that tidbit of information meant, or if it was even valid. I was sure that Lori was tired of my sulking.
“Listen,” I said. “I know I’m not the best company right now. Thanks for putting up with me.” I plastered a smile on my face and finished with the batter.
