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Agent Donaldson points at me like he scares me. “This isn’t over.”
“For your well-being, hope that it is,” I shoot back with a head tilt.
He turns with an attitude to storm out and runs into Mayhem’s chest. Mayhem offers his own death glare, watching the agent until he disappears into the hallway. That agent did not know how much danger was in this room.
I rub my side where my new tattoo lives. I got it the day Everest left the hospital; Rowe’s art is beautiful and I’m proud to have it on my body. At least this way she’s never far, even when she doesn’t want to see me. Like now, my brain understands the reason, but it’s not communicating with my heart. She needed me at the hospital, then moved into the other house with her brother almost two weeks ago.
Perry did a number in her brain like he walked to taint the idea of me. I’m back where I started; it would have been impossible to be minutes apart and not go to her.
“She still loves you,” Tucker says, breaking into my reflection.
It’s supposed to be a session, but I have little to say. What can I say? I failed to prevent what happened and I couldn’t find her immediately. Now, we’re in an uncomfortable place where she loves me but can’t, and we’re still mourning the loss of a child we didn’t know we were expecting.
All I want to do is to be with her, but l can’t force my way into her life or lock her up. Part of that is why she’s traumatized now.
“Yeah.” I don’t have a better response.
I go back to staring out of the window. The view of the lake and mountains used to bring some peace, but apparently the lake is where my life changed. The brilliant blue water they used to provide a serene backdrop now lurks eerily, challenging me to enter and be forever changed again.
“I have better things to do than stare at your profile,” Ten tells me as he sips the coffee he stole from Lara.
The part is amusing, at least. I must be badly off if I have to see both simultaneously. I’m not in the end all space I was when I was on suicide watch years ago, but I am exhausted. Every time Everest and I take a small step forward, something knocks us miles back.
The marathon my brain and emotions have been running has worn me out. I’d rather be asleep than dis-sectioning my emotions again.
“Go ahead,” I reply, giving my full blessing to end the season forty-five minutes early.
I’m not shutting down, but I feel like I’m strike.
“How about a field trip?” Tucker suggests.
I sigh but stand. His version of field trips is never easy. We walk out of his home office, through their home and get into one of the waiting cars. My mood drops more when we pull into a boatyard.
The protests don’t pass my lips, but my entire demeanor screams that this is bullshit. Tucker has been nudging me here since Whit told him the location. It looks like he’s tired of suggesting.
Slowly, I walk behind them as I look at the recovered yacht. There are others, but I innately recognize the scene of my downfall.
The anger builds as I make my way into the yacht. I’m furious by the time I’m on the deck. Remnants of my blood stains are all around, with a trail leading over the side.
Memories try to escape in small blinks of fragments that aren’t helpful or concrete. I know nothing more than I did this morning. The fear, pain, and anger overwhelm me like I’m dangerously close to spontaneous combustion.
“Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!” I want to break free or rip off my skin. “I’m fucking sick of it. All of it!” They watch me but don’t speak. “The only thing being here does is piss me off. There’s a big part of me that’s still missing. My wife is traumatized and while I’m truly trying to understand, I’m fucking hurt. And how do you grieve someone you have never met?” I run my fingers through my hair. “It’s like the universe thinks that my desire to move on and be happy is a big ask!” I shake my head again. “I’m done. Let’s go. My memory isn’t coming back. Ever.”
Tennesse approaches me and touches my head, much like he did when I first met him.
“I can help you restore your memory. You won’t like it.”
I’m skeptical he’s never mentioned it before.
“You haven’t offered that before.”
“You were blank. It would’ve hurt too much. Probably killed you.” He holds my gaze to make sure I’m paying attention. “It’ll still hurt, but it’s easier to work with fragments than nothing.”
“It’s not like I’ve been having an easy time. I don’t give a shit. I just want to remember.”
“Fair enough.”
Tennesse swings before I realize what he’s doing. My head jerks to the side and my body goes stiff. Everest’s smile is the last thing I picture before my world goes dark.
