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Everest
WhileIshoweredand got ready for my day, I tried not to think about everything. Having Walt in my bed and then waking up with him still there… it’s something I didn’t think I could jump right back to, but here I am a week later, and I don’t want to let him out of my sight. I love looking at him.
Seeing him, feeling him and also being sexually confused by him, it’s brightens my day. After my phone sessions with Tucker each day, I’m reminded that this is a good thing. Being able to sleep in the same bed as my husband and not freak out at all. I’ve even kissed him back. I couldn’t do that after that day he held me in the hospital.
I wanted Walt and couldn’t bear to touch him at the same time. Images of him that Perry threw at me sometimes kept me up at night, but I’m working through it with Tucker. The therapy was much more intense than regular, and Tucker made sure that I didn’t rely on any meds to feel better. His holistic ways are working better for me and I’m happy that I don’t have to take any heavy dose of anything.
When the doctor that discharged me let me know that although I didn’t need a D&C after the miscarriage, it was up to me to know when I was ready to be sexual active. She was right, it was less about the body and more about the mind. I didn’t shy away from Walt because of some stupid reason but it was because I wanted to make sure that when I saw him, when he touched me, when he kissed me and when he made love to me, I didn’t see anyone but him.
Humming When Love Takes Over, I touch my throat as I walk downstairs. I know that it’s going to take time and that I have to complete voice therapy in order to even try singing or get my normal voice back, but… I just wish it would go by faster.
I find Hunter sitting at the kitchen island and he winks at me while I greet him good morning. I hug my brother.
“I’m going to continue my routine so that nothing throws me off.” I tell him as I grab everything, I need in the corner that I place them in.
“Alright. I’ll come out in a second.”
Hunter has been letting me go places first by myself so that I could integrate myself in the public again. I smile at this because it’s a memory I forgot. When I was younger, he was there sometimes. He’s the reason I could go outside at all after everything. He would take my hand and walk out with me while we stood in the family garden together.
His biggest advice was always removing my shoes so that when I step on the grass, I still feel like I’m here and not wherever my mind was taking me.
Once I’m outside in front of the house, I walk towards the garden I’ve been taking care of for as long as I’ve been here. The first time Tucker tried to get me to come outside, I couldn’t do it. I cried like a baby because my feet wouldn’t do it. I had found the security of staying inside, which is why slowly Tucker made coming to his house as a priority for therapy. He knew what he was doing.
And now, I’m able to come out here by myself. I don’t cross the gate by myself or without being in the car.
I kneel and begin working on my roses, waiting for them to bloom. I hum a random tune for a while, but then suddenly I feel eyes on me. I grip the small shovel in my trembling hand as I stand, turning to look around to see if someone is watching me again. My mind conjures things that don’t need to distract me right now and my eyes water because I don’t want to have to do this again.
I don’t want to go back there, in that room surrounded by nothing but coldness. Tears fall down my face as I open my mouth to call out to Hunter, but I can’t. I think about how the person could be dangerous.
Trying to pacify myself, I hum Lifehouse’s Hanging by a Moment as I sway side to side. My throat is scratchy as I sing the words and my body terribly trembles, causing me to feel like I can’t concentrate on this moment or see properly. But then a name being called softly and muffled breaks through my internal battle.
“Everest.” I hear his voice. “Everie…” the softness of that hard voice causes me to zero in on the person standing near me looking damn near panicky when I’ve never seen that expression on his face before.
He sings the chorus of the song with me as he reaches out with his palms facing up. I don’t stop singing with him as I drop the small shovel, placing my hands in his. We both end up humming the rest of the song and I take a deep breath in exhaling my worry out.
“Lars?” I whisper his name as I look up at him.
“Hey, you’re okay. It’s just me. Only me.” He replies.
My eyes stay on his. “What are you doing here?” I ask. “And sorry for freaking out.”
Lars’s worried expression doesn’t leave his eyes, but he gives me a slight smile. “I was worried about you. I’m sorry about everything.” He says. “If onl—.”
“No,” I cut him off. “Don’t do that. Please, don’t do that. I’m okay. See?” I take a step back and let him look at me. “I’m alive. That’s all that matters.”
“Yeah, but.”
“But nothing, Lars, and thank you for worrying about me. For you know, caring. It means the world to me.”
Before he can answer, I close up the space between us and hug him tight, letting my tears fall down my face. “I heard you fought and won,” he says. “Is that true?” He asks as he circles his arms around me.
“Yes.” I nod.
“Good. You did good, Everie. Always fight.”
“I will.” I reply. It grows quiet and after a bit, I let him go, clearing my throat. “I feel like Walton is watching my every move, so hugging you too long might be a problem for me later on.”
Lars throws his head back and laughs. I missed that. I didn’t even realize I did until now.
