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He stops at the red light and looks at me like he wants to fight. “First, you called me dramatic and didn’t hear a fucking thing I said? Who in the hell are you texting?”
He plucks my phone out of my hand before I can respond. “My parents? Movie night? Papi? If you want a war, Milagros, just tell me you want a war.”
“Why would I want a war? And yes, I’m in a group chat with your parents. I didn’t want to tell them not to come see me when I left the hospital. They were so considerate and sweet, so they came to visit. They are just warm people and after that hug from your dad, I just couldn’t tell them not to come again, so we started a movie night. They come once a week and we have a group chat. Well, Papi means dad, and he said he liked the nickname soooo…”
Walt is shaking his head. “Just… no. None of this right now.”
“Alright, let’s drop it then,” I say, but then I take a page out of his book. “Actually, no, I’m not going to drop it. I know that it’s fucked up that I could spend time with your parents and not you. I know that Walt and I didn’t do it intentionally or to hurt your feelings. Just like I am yours, you’re also my priority. I didn’t want to be awkward around you or even jump out of my skin when you touched me. Spending time with your parents was like having a connection to you in a way. I didn’t talk to anyone else outside of your parents when it comes to the Cambridges, not because I didn’t want to, but because I didn’t want to make you feel left out. As hard as it was for you, it was just as hard for me. So, trust me, I understand. For the first time in years, when your dad hugged me, I felt like I was getting a hug from my father. It meant the world to me to feel like I finally have another father figure in my life and your mom, your sweet mom. I don’t know, nor do I remember, what it’s like to have a mother. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings and I’m sorry if I did. Don’t say I can’t apologize, just like you want me to respond like your wife. Look at things like my husband would. We’ve been through a lot, and I think we’re just tired. Not of each other, but that there seems to not be an off button, whether it’s with actions done by others or to each other.” I pause. “Listen, I know you just got all your memories back, and that’s a process you have to go through, which a week isn’t enough. Maybe that’s why you’re so… on edge and that’s fine. I just want you to know that I wasn’t trying to alienate you on purpose and that I’m taking your feelings into consideration because they are important to me. You’re important to me and you knowing that is something that I should have told you before I moved into the house by myself. I regret not telling you a lot of things, but I don’t regret fighting to love you much more than before. I’m trying Walt and I’m not going to let anyone take that from me. Just… know that I understand.”
Walt nods, showing that he heard me, and I’m satisfied with that. The car grows quiet, but not in an awkward silence. I know Walt is upset, and I can’t take that away from him. He’s also processing. I don’t know what I would have done if suddenly I remembered things about myself. Hell, I needed a month to process everything that happened and even then, it’s not all processed. I wouldn’t want anyone to invalidate how I feel, either. Just like I had a fit of jealousy over him and Moonlight’s history, Walt has every right to be upset about being the main one that I couldn’t bear to look at. I understand more than he knows.
I open my mouth to say something that would make him both side-eye me and have him break into a smile, but I keep that tidbit to myself. One thing that Walt keeps forgetting, or rather, what he should remind himself every day is that I enjoy him just like this. I force myself to look straight ahead at the road, but I change my mind after a moment. The low hum of whatever is playing sort of adds to the soundtrack in my head about Walt. I watch as his bare knuckles grip the wheel and my eyes venture to his side profile. Even when he’s mad, he’s the most beautiful man I’ve ever seen. I like it when he’s bossy, dramatic, all up in my business and wanting me at his side. I give a small smile and look out the side of my window, focusing on the road.
We finally get to the street before arriving at the theater and the anxiousness kicks in. I don’t have Coco with me and she’s no longer a service dog because of getting shot, so I’m at a loss. My leg bounces as I look out the window, trying to calm down. Walt’s hand softly lands on my leg, stopping it from bouncing. I look at him, but he’s not looking at me. Instead, he’s focused on the road. I take a deep breath in and release another one as I place my hands over his, holding onto him for dear life. I didn’t think that this would affect me.
I wanted to face it head on, but the memories of being held here are replaying in my mind, and I don’t want to face it. Not today, maybe one day. Once we pull up to the parking lot and Walt parks, my entire body makes me feel like I’m paralyzed.
“I can’t do it. I can’t go in.” The tremors start and I shake my head, shutting my eyes as if it’s happening to me in real time. Walt pulls me into his lap when he unbuckles my belt. I circle my arms around his neck, burying my face in his neck. “I want to go home, Walt. Please, take me home.” I hold on tight, trying my best not to lose myself to that moment. That fear that’s got a chokehold on me, choking the life and air out of me.
“Not yet. Let’s just sit here and be proud that you’ve gotten this close. He’s gone and can no longer hurt you. You’ve made sure of that, and I couldn’t be prouder. Do me a favor, try to look at it because this will be the last time you see it. I’m going to bulldoze that bullshit even if I have to do it myself and build you a brand new one. How’s that?”
Not wanting to look at the building, I nod. “I love you.” The truth was what I could say at this moment. I love him for wanting to fight my battles for me, even without asking.
