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Walt
“Iloveyou,too.” I assure my wife, although the hand that’s rubbing her back is shaking with pent-up emotions. “Just rest your voice, baby.”
My brain gets what she’s saying and agrees one hundred percent, but understanding doesn’t eliminate hurt feelings. Also, being whole means I feel everything wholeheartedly. There is numbness that comes from missing a part of myself that I didn’t realize was there until it was gone. Along with trying to heal from Everest’s trauma, I’m also processing everything that I once knew coming in and creating fresh wounds.
Ever since Whit brought home Rowe, I knew I’d be a parent one day and dammit; I am a parent and am very proud of my son, but Anika stole the ability for me to be a real parent away from me. I was a sideline coach in my son’s life. She had me being the fun uncle and the moment I found out what I was supposed to be doing; she tried to kill me and wiped my memory before I could try. Now Rowe is an adult and I come back around like a deadbeat who’s no longer responsible for child support. I know they don’t see it that way, nor do they blame me for my absence, but my anger still stands.
Now, Perry has robbed me of a similar opportunity, except this kid didn’t even get a chance. Everest didn’t get a chance. We didn’t get a chance. I’m constantly attacked with what could have been and it’s more enhanced. I can’t help but feel like I failed both of them. I should have followed my instinct and gone with her to rehearsal. I should have never dropped out of the production. I should have made sure more than one person was guarding. At the very least, I should have gone through her phone.
All moot thoughts, Tucker would have pointed out. I can’t change the past. I can only focus on the future, but it’s fucking hard. I should not have to hold her in a parking lot because some creep has her scared of a building. This is part of my vexation. I was off in exile while everyone’s life went on around me. Everest bonded with my parents while I was nowhere around like everything else of the last fucking four plus years. I didn’t get to see Rowe go to prom, graduate, or fall in love. It was already done. Same with Whit. I didn’t get to celebrate his divorce with him or help him get Anika out of his life.
Everything just went on without me. I’m happy to be home, but it still sucks to realize I missed so much. It’s not Everest’s intention, but she did the same fucking thing. Moved in the house she picked with her brother, furnished it how she saw fit, and started some kind of weekly ritual with my parents while I was stuck staring at the very water where my life turned to shit. She didn’t ask me to come back or send for me. I feel like a spectator. I came back on my once again, forcing my way back into my own life.
Everest, Whit, and Rowe are not to blame for this. I blame Happy, Anika, and Perry. I can’t do anything about Perry, which is why I have plans for the other two. First, I need to get my wife out of the parking lot.
Putting the car in gear. I move until the theater is behind us.
“I can’t drive with you in my lap, baby.”
I feel her nod against my chest, then take a deep breath as she moves back to her seat. She buckles herself in but glues herself to my side as best as she can. This is what makes me furious with a corpse. I should have been at my wife’s side the entire time. There is no way she should have gone through any of this without me.
My car breaks every speed limit on the way home. No one is going to pull me over, and I wouldn’t care if they did. I know the worst of it happened to Everest, but the issue with being a unit is it happened to both of us. We have different sides of the same trauma. I would have switched places if I could. I’d much rather her feel the frustration of not being able to find me and the fear that she would never see me again over what he did to her.
I use my phone to place the call on Bluetooth. “Hi, Mr. Cambridge, I swear we didn’t do anything. She’s not here yet,” Chris answers. He acts like I’m so scary and they call me dramatic?
“I’m aware, Chris, that’s why I’m calling. She’s not going to make it today. She’s not ready. You don’t have to be so jumpy. You act like I’m trying to kill you or something.”
“When I called to tell you Everest was missing, I was praying you didn’t shoot the messenger,” he admitted.
“I’m glad that you did. Thank you for that. Now get off my phone before I get annoyed.”
It’s almost comical how fast the line went dead. I feel Everest looking at me. She must realize why I promised to be nice to him. I would have lost my mind if I’d found out after the police did.
Her color has returned by the time we get to the house. I park my car in the garage, but my parents arrive before we can go inside the house. Everest and I walk towards the gate, but she stops before we get to it. I think it’s because she’s staying out of the car’s way, but my mom stops the car to let my dad out. Of the two, my mom usually drives less, so I feel like this is intentional.
He gives me a hug, then focuses all his attention on Everest. “Come on Em baby, let’s walk to the gate.”
She smiles and tucks her hand in the crook of his arm. They walk closer to the gate. He stops and waves for her off like a child on training wheels. “One step. That’s all you need. One step.”
I watch my dad help my wife with whatever her issues are with the gate, all while wondering when the fuck was someone going to tell me she had this issue? I’ve been here a week and not once has this come up.
“Come on, Em, I know you got it.”
They cheer when she takes half a step. I’m happy for her; for us, but my lack of knowledge pisses me off.
I don’t like that. I keep lashing out at her even if I know she likes it when I lose it, but I have to be honest with myself so we can move through this. I hate to admit it but I’m angry with my wife. Having my memory restored reminded me I’m more like Whit than we realized. I hate secrets and hers almost cost her, her life. I kind of feel like a parent whose child ran away; I want to shake her for her mistake and hold her close at the same time.
We’ve touched on the subject, so I know she hates that she withheld the secret. I get she keeps thinking about how her dad died trying to save her. I’m also sad that Perry made her feel like her worst nightmare reoccurred. I’m the kind of person who doesn’t like to deliver lectures after someone pays for their mistake and hers had a terrible outcome that I would have, like her dad, died to save her from experiencing. So, I’m stuck in a space and I need to dig myself out. I need space to clear my head.
