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Her eyes grow huge, and she lets out a sigh, like I’m the dreamiest thing she’s ever seen. “I knew that, but hearing you say it makes me want to pop my pussy on you right now.”
I get in her face again, nipping her lip before I speak. “I. Fucking. Love. You.”
“Walt?”
“Yes?” I look at her, taking my attention from something we’ve never really had the chance to do; cuddle and watch a movie.
“Do you think you’ll get it all back?”
I play with her curls while I think. “It feels much more promising than it has felt before. I used to be scared that I would be blank forever.”
Everest sits up and turns to look at me. “That must have been hard.”
I nod, not liking the direction of this conversation but knowing part of being in a healthy relationship is having them.
“It was very hard. I was consumed with a lot of self-doubt. I didn’t know if I deserved what happened to me or not. It seems like no one was looking for me; I thought they found my disappearance to be a blessing in disguise.” I lace my fingers with hers and kiss her knuckle. She blushes like I haven’t fucked her most of this vacation.
“The thought of that hurts my heart since I know how much you all love each other.”
Thinking about where I was then, and I am now makes me happy that I didn’t listen to my darker impulses.
“Yeah. I almost missed all of this.”
She scoots closer until she’s almost in my lap. “What do you mean?”
I run my fingers through my hair, saddened by the memory and almost embarrassed to share it.
“My rages were much worse the first year. I was hurt that no one seemed to look for me and angry that someone tried to kill me.” I stand up because the emotions I felt then still give me anxiety. “The biggest part of me was scared. I was scared that I’d never remember anything about my life. I was even more scared that I would remember and find that I was a terrible person who wouldn’t be missed. Those feelings, coupled with the frustration I felt when I tried to make myself remember, made me feel like I was drowning or being pulled down by quicksand. Finding any kind of normalcy felt like an insurmountable feat.”
I don’t realize I’m pacing because Everest is doing it with me. She’s watching me intently, as if she is preparing for me to slip into one of my rages.
I don’t feel the anger I used to feel then, just the residual sadness.
“I thought,” I continue. “Maybe it’ll be easier to finish what my attacker started.”
“Dios,” she murmurs as tears glitter in her eyes. “I understand feeling that low, but I thank God, the universe, and everything else that you didn’t listen to that feeling. I need you to be exactly where you are.”
I smile at her but don’t realize I’m crying until she wipes the tears on my face. I grab her waist and pull her close to let her hug away the heaviness that comes with rehashing the past.
“Yeah, Tucker saw to it. He didn’t let me give up. Now, it’s not part of my vocabulary. Don’t let my shortage of memories make you doubt my love for you.” She shakes her head to rebut me, but it’s unnecessary. I grab her face so she can’t look anywhere but me. “That is why I hate when you pull away from me. I know what it’s like to lose everything and I never want to have that feeling again.” I drop a kiss on her nose. “You’re now a big part of my world. Don’t shatter it.”
“I won’t, Walt.” She smiles and I know she’s going to fight me on something, “but if you ever try to go out naked again, I will blow it up.”
