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Confused, Sage placed her glass of water on the top of her dresser and crossed her arms. “Dinner? I-I don’t understand.”
“Didn’t you read the program brochure that came with the application papers?” Irving inquired.
“Uh… I don’t have the slightest idea what you’re talking about,” Sage responded. “To be honest, I’m not really ready to start dating.”
Now it was Irving who appeared confused. “Was my performance not competent?”
A sense of horror settled in Sage’s gut as she came to a harsh realization: there’d been a terrible misunderstanding.
Noticing the startled look on Sage’s face, Irving sneered. “Curse that whore Stacey and her venomous tongue! She’s poisoned you against me!”
“No, that’s not it,” Sage blurted. “Your performance in bed was immaculate. I think there’s been a mix-up. The reason I went to your funeral home was to cancel my husband’s funeral arrangements. I never intended on getting romantically involved with someone.”
“I see,” Irving said, sadly. He swept his hand through his hair, a look of embarrassment on his face. He looked truly gutted. “I suppose I should go. Please excuse me,” he swiftly exited Sage’s room muttering something about how he’d known all along it was too good to be true. Sage remained stationary, completely at a loss as to what had just happened.
* * *
In need of an explanation, she roused herself early the next morning and made a trip to the Church and Chapel Funeral Home. She was greeted again by the receptionist who’d shown her to the chapel the first time around.
“How can I help you?” the woman asked.
“I believe there’s been some sort of misunderstanding,” Sage began. “You see, the other day I came here to speak to a director about my husband’s funeral service, but instead I ended up participating in some sort of matchmaking event.”
The receptionist raised her eyebrow, quizzically. “I’m not sure I know what you mean,” she said. Sage groaned in frustration. She was about to demand a meeting with a funeral director, when she heard a man’s voice emanate from the staircase.
“I believe I can be of assistance.” The man who gracefully descended the stairs bore a familial resemblance to Irving but the similarities were only superficial. His hair was dark and his facial structure was comparably angular. Unlike Irving, he wore an overly confident, almost smug smile and was dressed in flashy attire. He introduced himself as Cameron, Irving’s more sociable brother. “You must be Sage Thorne, the woman who caused my brother’s foul mood last night,” he said.
“Yes, that’s my name. The reason I came here was to speak to someone about my husband’s funeral arrangements. It wasn’t my intention to go on a speed dating marathon,” Sage explained.
Cameron huffed. His face fell. He then prompted her to follow him to one of the arrangement offices where they could discuss her situation in private. Sage took a seat at a large wooden oval table. At last she was about to get some answers. “I think I might know what happened,” Cameron stated. “My brothers and I run a matchmaking service here at the Church and Chapel Funeral Home. The night you came in just so happened to be the annual event where we help individuals such as myself and my brothers find companions.”
“Interesting,” Sage remarked. She’d never heard of a funeral home housing a dating service before. It all made sense now. The romantic red decor, the couples seated in the chapel, the formal dress, it had all been part of a romantic atmosphere. Irving had thought Sage was in search of a partner. “All I wish to do is cancel my husband’s pre-paid funeral service,” she said.
“I understand that now,” Cameron replied, “and I have a proposition for you.” He had an impish look in his eye that unsettled Sage.
“What kind of proposition?” she asked, tentatively.
“We’ll house your husband’s funeral free of charge, if you agree to participate in my program and court my brother,” he pressed.
“What?” Sage blurted in astonishment. The deal was simple enough, generous even, considering the extent of the funeral charges she owed them, no thanks to Mark. What she didn’t understand was why Cameron would need to absolve such a cost to get his brother a date. “Isn’t this a bit of an insult to Irving?” she questioned. “He’s kind and certainly attractive enough. A man like him could have any number of women.. Why go to such extreme lengths just to secure him a date?”
Cameron chuckled lightly. “Come my dear,” he said, “surely you’ve noticed his… how shall I put this, quirks by now?”
Sage couldn’t deny Irving’s odd behaviors. “He does seem to have some obsessive tendencies,” she admitted.
“Exactly,” Cameron said. “The majority of women want nothing to do with him after discovering how troubled he is. I believe you could help him.”
“But how?” Sage demanded. “I’m not a therapist. I’m just a widow.”
Cameron shrugged. “He needs a woman like you by his side to keep tabs on him. Agree to my terms. I promise, you’ll have no debts and if you finish the program and decide you no longer wish to be with Irving, you’ll be under no further obligation to stay with him.”
Sage sighed. The agreement was unreal. In exchange for a luxurious funeral service, all Sage had to do was spend time with a gorgeous man who made her feel like a teenager again. The only catch was his OCD. So far, Sage had found Irving’s eccentricities far more manageable than her late husband’s harsh judgements. She agreed to Cameron’s terms. It wasn’t until after signing the paperwork to make it official that she felt a pang of guilt. What would Irving do if he found out she only agreed to date him to pay off her dead husband’s debts? Furthermore, what would Mark think of this if he could see her now? Oh, for goodness sakes! Sage was tired of thinking about how other people viewed her. She had enough of that when Mark was alive. Now, he was dead, and the only way to pay off his funeral expenses was for her to swoon over another man. This was the kind of tough love Sage could definitely get used to! The notion felt far from moral and yet, the thought of getting to spend more time with Irving generated heated waves of excitement.
Cameron gathered up the paperwork, placing it neatly into a file before turning to Sage with a look of satisfaction on his face. “Tomorrow there is a dinner happening at the steakhouse downtown. Everyone enrolled in the program will be there with their identified suitors, Irving included. I look forward to seeing you there.”
Sage nodded, following him out to the front door. There were a number of questions that had been on her mind since meeting Irving, one of which pertained to his place of birth. She’d noted, upon conversing with Cameron, that he also spoke with the same hint of an accent that Irving did. “I’m curious,” Sage began, “you and Irving both speak with an accent. Where are you from?”
Cameron raised his eyebrows in surprise. “Good heavens, you have keen ears!” he exclaimed. “I haven’t had that question asked since the turn of the twentieth when we first flew over. My brothers and I originate from Scotland, but, I dare say, we’ve lived in so many other places our accents have been significantly altered. I fail to hear any accent in our speech at all, and I have superhuman hearing.”
His answer only raised more questions for Sage. Why did both he and Irving insist on the bizarre use of hyperboles? ‘Turn of the twentieth?’ ‘Superhuman hearing?’ At least now she knew where Irving was from. “One more question,” she said. “Where do Irving’s obsessions come from? Did something happen in his past?”
For a moment, Sage saw a glitch in Cameron’s charismatic demeanor. The smile faded from his face, replaced by a look of deep sadness. The moment was brief, and he soon recovered, flashing a perfect set of teeth at her. “That’s a question only Irving can answer,” he replied, cryptically. Before politely wishing her well, he said, “I look forward to you making my brother a bit more human.”
Sage couldn’t help but ruminate over his words for the remainder of the day. What did Cameron mean ‘more human’? Irvingwashuman. Obviously he hadn’t been speaking literally. The only conclusion Sage could come up with was that he’d been referring to Irving’s abnormal behaviours, though Sage would argue that it was his flaws that made him human.
