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"In what? Your life?" I asked.
"Yes."
"Charlie, you have no idea what you're saying. Honestly, my body goes completely haywire from you saying that. I seriously feel like my heart might jump out of my chest when you look at me—let alone when you touch me. I am so attracted to you I can hardly breathe. But I can't think ahead to futuristic things with you. I know I wouldn't be able to be with you in deeper ways and then think about you being with her."
"So, you wouldn't be able to be with anybody who's ever been with someone?"
I could feel tears start to fill my eyes because I didn't know how to explain myself. I could see that his feelings were hurt.
"I want to be with you. When I'm with you, I get all caught up in these feelings like I could. But you were married, Charlie. The whole reason you're in Arkansas is because you're so devastated by losing her that you can't live a normal life."
"What if I don't want to go back to my normal life? What if it's like you were saying about your dad? What if my life is better here?"
"You're saying that because you're here with me and that's all you're thinking about, but you wouldn't feel that way if you went back to Miami. I wasn't your first choice last year when Savannah was here with you. There's no reason I should be your first choice now."
"Of course, I'm not going to look at you back then, Hope, because I was with someone else."
"That's what I'm saying, Charlie, you need to find someone who didn't know Savannah. You need to find someone who wasn't rejected by you already."
He put his hands on his head and stretched upward it was a frustrated gesture like he was trying to remain patient.
"So, you're just messing around with me?" he asked. "Anything that happens between us doesn't mean anything to you, and you're just messing around?"
I stared at him, blinking. "You're the one who's not thinking clearly right now, Charlie. It's you who this stuff doesn't mean anything to. I'm just trying to remind you of that."
"I'm the one who knows what I feel. I'm the one who's sitting here saying I love you and I want to be with you."
"No, you don't love me Charlie. Not ultimately."
He looked me in the eyes with a serious expression. "I'm doing my best to not get frustrated right now, Hope. But you're talking in circles. If you don't want to be with me, just come out and say it."
"It's not that easy because technically I do want to be with you. My body is on fire right now, and I feel out of control because I physically want to hold you and touch you."
"But what?" he asked when I hesitated.
"But Charlie. Everything. Her. I'm not gonna be able to get over thinking about you thinking about her. I'm always going to think you're sad and you still miss her."
"What if I tell you that's false? That you're wrong. Is it not good enough for me to tell you that? It boils down to trust, Hope. You have to trust me, and right now you don't."
"I trust you as a person. I know you're a great person. I was just never under the assumption that this would ever lead to anything. I knew it wouldn't."
"It sounds like the bottom line is that you don't want me."
"It's not that simple. I am not good enough for you, Charlie, and right now you think I am because you're here and you're broken. The minute you get back to the real world you're not going to want this anymore. I already know that because you didn't choose me once before."
Charlie stayed quiet for a while, shaking his head slightly like he was in deep thought.
"I can't tell what you're doing, Hope. You're saying I didn't choose you before, and maybe that's the truth to some extent, but I was already with her when I came here."
"I know that, Charlie. And I'm not trying to punish you for being married to someone else. I just never saw that as my fate—being with someone who's been married. And it's not like you wanted her to be gone. You still loved her. She was taken from you when you still loved her."
"Exactly, which is why it's unbelievable that it's happening again."
I started to say something to respond to him and then I realized I didn’t have a response. I felt so shocked that I stuttered for a second as I smiled. "Th-wh-I love you too, but let's face it. We love each other as humans and we'd do anything for each other, but you don'tlove melove me. I'm not like Savannah, Charlie, and I definitely don't want to think about you comparing me to her about marital things."
He made an offended face, staring at me. "You're just assuming you know what's in my head. Do you assume that I'm sitting there comparing you to Savannah every time we're together?"
"No, honestly, because I don't even think of myself as making it that far in your thoughts. Right now, this, what we're doing, I don't struggle with it at all."
