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"Yes, I will."
I hung up with Charlie.
I knew he would be waiting there for me, and I felt an ember of hope in the midst of all the wretched, hopeless feelings.
I parked right next to Charlie's truck and got out, looking inside, trying to see if he was sitting in there. I heard him whistle from the beach, and I ran to him instantly.
I didn't take my keys or my phone. I left it all in the car. I didn't care.
I saw Charlie in the distance. The sun had gone down, and we were now operating in moonlight. The lake was behind him and we walked toward each other with long strides. I wasn't bawling like a baby, but there was nothing I could do to stop the flow of liquid that came out of my eyes. I tucked my head as I approached him because I didn't want him to see me crying.
Charlie took me into his strong embrace with no hesitation. He saw that I wanted to go to him, and he took me in, wrapping his arms around me, enveloping me with warmth and hard muscle. I rested my head on his chest and took a deep breath. I gasped a little, but I tried to make myself stop.
I didn't even realize how tightly I had been holding onto him until he rubbed my back and caused me to relax.
"Charlie, I-I didn't want you to leave," I said, trying my very best not to cry. "I don't know what I said that made you go so fast… I mean, I understand, but I didn't expect you to say you ever wanted me like that… I didn't ever consider that you might be ready for a…" I took a second to take a deep breath. I rested the side of my head on his chest and covered my face with my hand. "Charlie I still feel scared when I think about trying to start something with you, but I feel way, way, way more afraid of you driving off and being out of my life. I felt horrible just now." He held me tightly and took a deep breath like he was about to reply. But I started speaking again. "I should have said I love you back when you said it. I should have told you that I was just too scared to love you but that deep down I really do. All that stuff I was talking about, that's just me being afraid. I don't know what you're trying to have with me, Charlie, but I want it whatever it is. I'm sorry I said otherwise." I took a long, deep, hitching breath in and held him, molding my body to his. "I'm sorry," I whispered. My arms were wrapped tightly around his midsection, and my hands rested on his sides. I could feel his hard, tone, substantial body under the thin layer of t-shirt, and I ached with the need to be near him. "I'm sorry I said I can't forget her," I whispered. "You are who you are, and it's up to me to get over it. I know I can get over it. You just surprised me with everything you were saying, and I said the first thing that came to my mind."
"I shouldn't have left," he said. "I didn't know what to do, either. I freaked out. I was already thinking about going back. That's why I drove over here. I was staying in town."
Charlie held me tightly, and I felt sweet relief at his words and affection.
"Hope, I don't compare you to anyone, and I don't think anything about your dad working for my dad. Those things are so far from my mind that it's shocking to me that they would hold you back from being with me."
"It's shocking to me that you want to talk about this in front of your family."
"If you're embarrassed, we definitely don't have to say anything."
"I'm not embarrassed," I said, holding onto him and not looking at him. "Why would I be embarrassed? I’m embarrassed for you." I added that last part humbly because it was the truth. Deep down, I truly did not believe that I was good enough for him. That was what this was all about.
But I had to get over it, or I would lose him.
He said he loved me, and he was holding me like he wanted me, and that would have to be good enough to get me through this insecurity.
He took a deep breath, and his whole body expanded. I smiled at the feel of his hard, ribbed muscles tensing under my arms. He began moving back, and I realized he had ducked and was trying to get me to look at him. My eyes met his for the first time since we connected on the beach.
I had been crying, and I knew it was obvious, but I let my eyes meet his. I smiled past the burning sensation in my face.
"What do you mean you're embarrassed for me?"
"Nothing actually," I said with a self-depreciating sigh. "I shouldn't have said that. That's my the-world-is-falling-apart mode. I know it's not the truth."
"I'm not sure if you think I don't deserve you or you don't deserve me, but neither are true. Both of us need to be clear on that."
I nodded "I am. I know." I blinked at him. "I was really sad just now when you left," I said softly, shyly, flirting with him a little.
I did not have to flirt twice. Charlie's lips were on mine before I knew what was happening. I felt the warm, wet intrusion of his tongue almost instantly, and I leaned into him, holding him closer, letting my body shape to his.
He pulled back too soon. "Please don't do that again," he whispered.
He kissed me deeply again after he said that. It was another quick, soft, amazing intrusion and then he broke contact again.
"Okay," I agreed. "I won't." I took another deep breath, and I gasped lightly a few times.
He grinned slowly at me, and I bit my lip, staring at him. A few others were out on the beach, but there was plenty of room and none of us were in earshot of each other.
"Next time, don't run off so fast," I said to Charlie. "All of a sudden you were gone, and I felt like my bones were broken."
"Your bones?" he asked, his chest shaking with laughter. "I'm sorry for leaving," he said. "I would've come back if you didn't call." He gave me a long squeeze, holding me close to him, hugging me. "I wanted you to want me so bad," he said. "I knew rejection was a possibility, but I came over here thinking it would all work out."
