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Mary Leigh: So you like him as person and a friend for sure. Are you attracted to him?
Hollyn pictured Cal in her mind, trying to be objective, trying to tease apart facts from feelings.
Hollyn: We used to date. A long time ago. We had good chemistry back then. And he’s attractive. And plays guitar. I’m not NOT attracted to him. I just haven’t thought about him in that way for a long time. I had to shut that part off when we broke up or we could’ve never been friends.
Mary Leigh: Right. That’s understandable. So is that a switch you want to turn back on? Can it be turned back on?
Could she let herself be attracted to Cal again? Could she imagine kissing him? Putting her hands on him? Having his hands on her? She answered with honesty.
Hollyn: The switch isn’t broken.
Mary Leigh: Okay, so it can be turned back on. But do you want to do that?
Hollyn groaned and pressed her face into the pillow before answering.
Hollyn: I don’t know! It all feels so complicated.
Mary Leigh: It’s all right not to know. Remember to breathe.
Hollyn frowned. How did this woman in her phone always know when she was holding her breath? She inhaled a deep, lung-filling breath.
Mary Leigh: How about this? What could you gain in your life by flipping that switch and giving things a chance with Cal?
Hollyn sighed and lay back on her couch. Maybe if she assumed the proper therapy position, something would become clear. She stared at her screen and then typed.
Hollyn: A lot. A guy I already love who cares about me and who has always looked out for me would be my boyfriend, maybe eventually more. I wouldn’t be alone anymore. I’m already comfortable with Cal, and he has Tourette’s too, so there’s zero awkwardness about my disorder. I feel completely accepted.
Mary Leigh: Sounds like a lot of great things.
Hollyn: Yeah.
Mary Leigh: So what would you lose if you start a relationship with Cal?
Hollyn closed her eyes, trying to pinpoint the things that were giving her pause.
Hollyn: I could mess up the best, longest, and most important friendship I’ve ever had.
Mary Leigh: A legitimate concern. But you two have survived a breakup before, right?
Hollyn: Yes.
Mary Leigh: So what else would you lose or give up to be with him?
The answer was there in her head. The stupid, stupid answer. She tapped her head back against the couch cushion.
Hollyn: Possibility.
Mary Leigh: Of what?
Hollyn: Someone else.
Mary Leigh: A part of starting any committed relationship.
Hollyn cringed. If only it were that simple. That she was just a commitment-phobe.
Hollyn: No, a specific someone else.
Mary Leigh: Ah, Jasper?
