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Hollyn: Yes. Please don’t tell me I’m being naive. I already know that. I realize what’s happening with Jasper is not an actual relationship.
Mary Leigh: Isn’t it, though? Maybe not a traditional relationship. But you’re spending time together, sleeping together. It’s some sort of a relationship.
Hollyn: You know what I mean. We’re not dating. We have an agreement. He’s straight up told me it couldn’t turn into anything. He’s not an actual possibility. But…
Mary Leigh: You’ve developed feelings for him.
Hollyn: YES. I’m so stupid.
Mary Leigh: Remember what we talked about, not calling yourself names. You’re not stupid. You’re human. A human having human feelings.
Hollyn: A human having love feelings.
It was the first time she’d admitted the word aloud, and a flood of dread went through her. She grabbed the pillow again, pressing it to her face for a second to scream silently into it. How had she landed here?Love.She was out of her goddamned mind.
Mary Leigh was silent. If they were face-to-face in an office, Hollyn imagined Mary Leigh would be giving her the go-on, keep-digging-your-own-hole face.
Hollyn: I guess I can’t open myself up to the thought of Cal until I deal with this. It’s not fair to him. I need to break things off with Jasper. Clear my head before I can really consider anything seriously.
Mary Leigh: Is that what you want to do?
Hollyn: It’s what I need to do.
Mary Leigh: That wasn’t my question.
Ugh.Sometimes she loved her therapist. Sometimes she wanted to give the middle finger to Mary Leigh’s avatar and toss the phone across the room.
Hollyn: I know but this is a false debate. I’m not choosing between two guys. Only one is a real possibility. So the debate is get together with Cal or stay single.
Mary Leigh: You’re leaving out another possibility. You could also tell Jasper how you feel and see if maybe he’s open to something more with you.
Hollyn sat up and scoffed.
Hollyn: NO WAY. We have an agreement. I promised this was only casual. No feelings. I’m not going to be that girl.
Mary Leigh: Relationships are continuously negotiated. What if his feelings have changed about you? Wouldn’t you want him to be honest with you?
Hollyn: Obviously. But he hasn’t given me any signs that anything has changed. I’m going to end up looking like the pathetic girl who fell for the wrong guy again. I can’t bear the thought of him having to let me down. The mortification of that would be… I can’t even think about it.
Mary Leigh: Jasper isn’t that bully from school. He’s shown no signs of wanting to hurt you. From what you’ve told me, he’s been kind and attentive with you. He’s given you a lot of indicators that he genuinely likes you and is attracted to you. If you tell him you have feelings for him, and he doesn’t reciprocate, what is the worst that can happen?
For others that would be a rhetorical question, but Hollyn had learned Mary Leigh didn’t do rhetorical. She always wanted actual answers. What would be the worst?
Hollyn: Feeling embarrassed. Ending our friendship. Him feeling pity for me.
Mary Leigh: Could you survive those things?
Hollyn: That last one gives me all the vomity feelings. And I’d have to leave WorkAround because I couldn’t face that every day. That would be tough because I’ve made a friend there now. But I wouldn’t die, I guess.
Mary Leigh: Not dying is good. What is the best that could happen?
Hollyn rolled her lips together, trying to imagine what that would look like. Jasper smiling. Jasper pulling her into a hug and kissing her and telling her he’s so happy to hear it. It was a ridiculous fantasy that could’ve been pulled straight from one of the many rom-coms she’d been binge-watching the last few days.
Hollyn: He feels the same way and wants to be in a real relationship.
Mary Leigh: So, is that result, even if you feel like it’s a remote one, worth the risk of the other things?
Hollyn: It’s super remote. Like Siberia remote.
