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The city flew by me as Isped to her house, my mind free from Pete and his Wednesday and anything not Laura related. Iexited the tunnel and made aright into her neighborhood, tapping my fingers on the wheel in ametronome beat,thrum, thrum, thrum.
The right words, the things Ishould have told her, refused to come.I’msorry?What’sgoing on? Tell me everything. The more Irolled it around in my head, on my tongue, the shittier Ifelt for not asking it sooner.
Iparked the car on her street, overwhelmingly insecure about what to say, nervous of what her reaction would be, of what I’dfind out that I’dbeen missing. Icared for her, possibly more than afriend should, and Ikicked myself for not making her feelings any kind of priority. This turmoil fucked with my head, and Ihad to pause before reaching for the car’sdoor.
Why the hell did Ifeel that way?
You’ve had the answer in front of you all along, asshole.
Fuck. Iliked this woman.
It dawned on me when Ipaused and reflected on it, on her. Besides worrying about her and Olivia, Ireally fucking missed her. Irubbed myself over the house with four rooms that lodged inside this chest of mine. Some liked to associate it with feelings.
The stupid beating thing asked me another question, while he was going at me. Was Iboyfriend material? After the last month, Ibelieved the firm answer was the same as it was three or four months ago. Iwas not. The boyfriend title fit me like astinking sock on aclean foot.
And of course, since the inner torments were never ending now that Ihad time to reflect, Ihad to wonder if Laura even wanted me as aboyfriend. Probably not, no matter what she felt for me, and Isuspected our friendly feelings had long since grown.
Could Ihave left things as they were? Iwanted to try.
But before anything else, Ihad to leave the car. Laura’shouse was nearly pitch black, if not for asmall light illuminating from deep within. My decision to barge into her home while she slept wavered. Coming here tomorrow would’ve been abetter, safer choice.
Achoice Icouldn’tmake. At that point in time, Ineeded to see her, spill out questions and apologies as they came. To see her and be with her.
Using the spare key she gave me, Ientered her home. She had left the door chain unlocked to my surprise, and asmall voice whispered she might have been waiting for me to get my shit together and show up.
The bolt clicked when Ilocked it, the only sound ringing in the otherwise quiet house. Itook off my shoes, placing my bag beside them on the floor. Itried not to make asound so Ididn’tstartle her as Iwalked to the source of the light, her bedroom.
“Zach?”
My chest swelled and expanded. She’dbeen waiting for me.
Imoved to her bedroom’sdoorway before Ispoke. She sat in her bed with the computer in her lap, wearing alight blue, oversized T-shirt, her hair hanging loose around her shoulders.
Forcing myself to not touch her cost me; it pained me to stay away now that we were in the same room. Aprice Ipaid willingly for not seeing her for amonth.
“Sorry for not knocking. Ithought you were asleep.”
“You know me better than that.” She closed the lid of her laptop and placed it aside, leaving the lamp as the only light source in the room.
NoWhere have you been?NoWhy haven’tyou called?Silence, acceptance.
Laura’shead dropped back, and she gazed at me through hollow eyes. My stomach churned. Something must have happened to her. Even when Ipissed her off, they held some kind of emotion in them, not this void.
Itook astep into the room. “Laura, I’mso sorry for not calling all these weeks.”
“You don’towe me anything.” She smiled, patting the bed for me to sit next to her. “You told me about that client and when Isaw him last time, Ifigured he was keeping you busy. Come sit with me.”
Her words were supposed to bring me solace; after all, we wanted nothing more from each other. Life didn’twork that way. It made me feel worse. Iaccepted her offer though, sitting on her bed with her.
“He did, but it’snot an excuse for not calling.”
She gripped my hand, her eyes even more sad than Ithought from adistance. “Then don’tgive me one. Idon’tneed it anyway.”
The form of truce we had was far from satisfactory. Ibrought our joined hands to my lips and placed asoft kiss on them. She shut her eyes, her lips twisting slightly in what seemed like pain. “Are you sure you’re not upset with me?”
“Mm-hmm.”
“You want to talk about what is bothering you?” My thumb stroked the skin between her forefinger and thumb. “You can tell me anything.”
