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Chapter 14
Whitewell College Radio, 9:30–11:00p.m.slot, Wednesday
Brown SugarShow:Gotta Hear Both Sides,Episode 2
“Look, I’m just saying that life would just be easier for everyone if people just said what they meant, that’s all! Why would a girl say she’s fine if she’s not fine? And why am I to blame when I take her word for it? How does that make me the villain? Like, the other day we’re in class—”
I rolled my eyes and said dryly into the mic, “He’s been itching to get this story off his chest. Here we go.”
Malakai had switched to my seminar this week due to a medical check-up appointment clash, which actually turned out to be perfect because it further cemented the idea of our inseparability as a couple.Socute that Malakai switched to my class this one time because we were too busy for our weekly lunch date and he missed me. Or so the rumor mill churned out, according to Tyla Williams, who I’d bumped into in the library as I was returning some books. Tyla Williams had never spoken to me before. Tyla Williams, who I saw had once called me a stush bitch who “thinks she’s too nice” on a leaked screenshot eight months ago. But when we met in the library, Tyla commented, “Michael would never dothat for me, man. Once I texted him to keep me company while I took my braids out and he said, ‘What for? I ain’t need to see how the sausage is made.’ What does that even mean?”
We ended up going for a coffee. She was nice. Turned out we were both going to Lagos that Christmas. We made plans to link up.
Malakai continued, comfortable in front of the desk, elbow resting against it as he leaned closer to the mic. He had taken easily to his new position as temp cohost. He was charming, funny, easy—essentially, himself. Our first show had been an introduction, had been surprisingly fun, and now, in our second, we had found ourselves in a groove.
“So, listen, Kiki puts her hand up to answer a question, and she gets itslightlywrong. The tutor asks her to assess her answer and she pauses. Hesitates. The lecturer doesn’t wait for her to figure it out. She does that sometimes to keep us on our toes. Anyway, said lecturer poses the question to the class. Some dude answers, real condescending with it, you know the kind of shit designed to make Kiki feel like she doesn’t know what she’s doing. The gag is, he actually gets what Kiki got right,wrong. Kiki puts her hand up to answer, and I turn to her like, ‘I got this, boo,’ because I know the answer. So, I put my hand up, as you do.”
I rolled my eyes again. He really was a dramatic storyteller.
Malakai shrugged at the mic. “I say Iagreewith her point but she got it slightly wrong on these issues—I break them down. Now, bear in mind that I’m sitting right next to her. Mate, the second the words leave my mouth I feel the temperature drop.I’m telling you, that lecture hall wasAntarctica.Ishivered. Man’s teeth started chattering.”
I heard Aminah snort from where she was sat on the sofa and I scoffed. “Alright. You know what? The Academy Award for Doing the Most goes to—”
“You,Kiki. Because the way you looked at me—I felt shook to mysoul. If I now die of hypothermia, what will you say at my funeral?” His voice had taken on an avuncular Nigerian jaunt to accentuate his theatrics.
I smirked. “You had a good run. God bless your soul. Thank you for leaving me your gray hoodie.”
“Wow. You see? Ice queen.”
“Your hoodie will warm me up.”
“Okay. Great. So, after lectures we’re having lunch and I ask her if she’s pissed off at me. My girl says no, she’s fine, she’s cool, asks me to pass the salt. As if she needed any, when she was clearly salty enough.”
I held on to my headphones and cackled. “Wow.”
“Then I say, ‘Look, have I done anything wrong?’ Then what do you say, Kiki?”
He passed me the small bottle of Hennessey and I took a swig, and replied, through a laugh, “‘Do you think you’ve done anything wrong?’”
Malakai let out a long, exaggerated exhale. “I say, ‘I don’t know, Scotch. That’s why I’m asking you.’ Then she goes, ‘Well, if you don’t think you’ve done anything wrong then you haven’t done anything wrong, innit.’”
“My voice isn’t that high—why are you making me sound like road Minnie Mouse?”
“Stay with me now,” he directed his audience, ignoring me. “Two days after this happens, we’re studying together and I’m stuck on a question for a tutorial. The question is under her specialist subject. I ask her for help, and you know what she says? You know what my darling girlfriend says to me? She says . . .” He paused for effect, cleared his throat. “‘Nah, you don’t need my help. You got this. Like you had it the other day.’”
Aminah cackled. I heard her say, “My girl!” She had brought some popcorn and was watching the show with delight. She was crunching very loudly.
Malakai shook his head at me, slow and heavy. “Brutal. Tell me where in that story am I the bad guy?Please.My question is, why couldn’t you have told me you were pissed at me andwhyyou were pissed at me? The drama was unnecessary. I’m baffed.”
I leaned into the mic and arched a brow at him. “You done, babes?”
Malakai released a tiny smile. “No. You also look really sexy when you’re angry and that kind of made it more confusing.”
I knew it was for the show—it had to be for the show—but that didn’t stop my belly from turning upside down.
“Ladies,” I said, pointedly ignoring the way he was grinning at me, goading me. I flipped him the finger and he released a soft chuckle. “You see howtheytry to distract you? Stay woke. Don’t let them catch you slipping. Let me break down why almost everything that Malakai said was—Minah-Money am I allowed to say it?... What was that?... Great.
“Okay, so what Malakai just said was bullshit. Really ripe bullshit, from a specific kind of bull: real obstinate, meat too tough. This kind of bullshit is used for the manure that fertilizes the farm used to grow male delusion. Makes it grow big and strong. I read that inNatGeo. True story. Mandem, listen to me. Women don’t want to have totellyou how you fucked up. They want to give you time to figure out how you fucked up. Or admit that you fucked up—sorry, Minah,messedup—because most times, let’s be honest, deep down you know.
