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Chapter Five
Josie
The mug of coffee in my hand feels like a life preserver, the only thing keeping me afloat in a sea of exhaustion threatening to drown me, and I gulp down another eager swig.
After my date last night, I’d been abuzz. I feel kind of like a lovesick schoolgirl, and I’m not sure I like it. I know, logically, that there’s nothing wrong with it, but a big part of me feels disloyal and wrong.
I desperately needed to talk to someone, so I’d texted Sofia and asked her if we could meet up for breakfast first thing this morning. She’d agreed, and now I was sitting her in the diner waiting for her arrival and working on my fourth cup of coffee for the morning.
I hadn’t been able to sleep, my mind racing. It had felt so easy to talk to the two of them. And then the way they both kissed me…it had been so long since I’d been kissed like that.
I reach for the wedding rings dangling around my neck and fiddle with them absently. I know, deep down, that Toby would want this. He’d want me to move on with my life, to find someone who can love and care for me the way he used to. I know it because he said as much, after he got sick.
“I love you, Josie. I’ve loved you since the day we met, and I always will. But we know what’s going to happen…and I still want you to be loved even after I’m gone. You deserve to be happy, and you deserve someone who’s going to treat you like a princess. Just promise me you’ll never settle for less than that, and I can be happy.”
But part of me still doesn’t feel ready.
Sofia approaches and sits across from me, and without greeting, she immediately asks me: “So how did it go last night?”
“Amazing,” I admit with a sigh.
“So why do you look like a raccoon again?” she asks with a worried face.
“Because even though it was amazing, I still feel weird about it,” I tell her.
“How so?”
I hesitate, then explain my weird feelings of disloyalty to Toby. “I know he wouldn’t mind, but still.”
Sofia nods. “I get it. That’s the thing, it’s not about his feelings, he’s not here to tell us one way or the other,” she says gently, “It’s about your feelings. You’re the only one who can process those and know what you’re ready for, you know?”
I nod.
“You know, he and I had a talk before he passed. He told me to make sure you were okay once he was gone, to help you move on, all that,” she says.
It’s news to me, but it’s not surprising. The two of them had been close friends, and it sounded like him. “He tried to make me promise that I’d make you start dating again eventually,” she adds, “But I kind of laughed at him and told him we both know that trying to make your stubborn ass do anything is a fool’s errand.”
I laugh. “Hey! I’m not that bad.”
“Yes, you absolutely are, and he knew it, which is why he agreed with me and instead just made me promise to try. And I told him I would help you find love when you were ready for it, but that I wasn’t going to force anything,” she says.
My eyes sting a bit and I hastily blink back tears. “I just went on one date with these guys, I’m not exactly dropping the ‘L’ word just yet,” I protest.
“But you enjoyed yourself, right?”
“I really did.”
“Good. You deserve to. You don’t have to drop the ‘L’ word, now or even ever, but if you like them and they treat you right and make you happy, then that’s all that matters. You have no reason to feel guilty or whatever it is that’s bothering you.”
“Thanks, Sof,” I flash her a grateful smile.
“So, tell me more about it,” she presses, “Tell me about the guys.”
And I do, telling her about Theo with his dry humor and quick wit, and Alex with his even quicker smile and his easy charm. I know I’m grinning like an idiot the entire time, but I can’t help it.
“I told them I worked for the app, but I didn’t end up telling them I own it,” I tell her, “Was that weird? I felt kind of weird about the idea of telling them.”
“No, I mean, as long as you didn’t lie,” Sofia shrugs, “But why would it be weird to tell them?”
