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I looked up and saw Sugar watching me intently.
I couldn’t talk about this shit with my brothers. I loved them, they were my family and I’m sure there are some of them who would understand. But Sugar knew my heart because at one stage she had consumed it. She’d seen me break down behind closed doors when my father was killed, she’d had to deal with that shit while on the outside I’d forced a strong front of anger and revenge for my men.
I was their leader. Without a strong leader, shit falls to pieces, mistakes are made, and in this life…people get killed. If they’d seen the anguish and torture I’d gone through, the self-blame and how I’d questioned being worthy of wearing that President’s patch that donned my vest, I would have never gained their respect.
“It wasn’t your fault,” she whispered. Tears shone in her eyes and I knew she could feel the ache in my chest. “Dealer’s death wasn’t on you.”
Hearing my father’s name sent a chill through my veins. I may have had my revenge, righted the wrongs that had taken place that night, but my heart still hung heavy with guilt. “I should have stayed with him. I knew it was wrong to leave but—“
“But you put me first before your family. Don’t you think that weight hangs heavy on my shoulders too? I loved Dealer. I shouldn’t have begged you to leave him there alone.” Her bottom lip quivered and I moved to crouch in front of her. This wasn’t the first time we’d had this conversation, but this was the first time she’d said anything about feeling responsible.
I took her face in my hands. “Don’t be stupid, Sugar. They were gunning for him.”
“Exactly. And if I hadn’t called you away you’d possibly both be dead and Harlyn would be growing up without a dad.”
I scoffed, turning away from her once again. “She’s done just fine the past five years without me.”
“Oh, wow! You’re really going to pull the poor me act? That’s pathetic,” she spat.
I spun, holding myself back from getting in her space. “I’m gonna let that one slide this time. Who the hell do you think you’re talking to?” Even though Sugar was different, having anyone speak to me with disrespect put me straight into the defensive zone.
She crawled off the bed and walked forward, standing toe to toe with me. “I thought I was fucking talking to a man who protected what was his? I thought I was talking to a man who had learned from his mistakes? I thought I was talking to a man who faced his problems head on rather than pushing them away and expecting that they will fix themselves eventually?”
“What the fuck, Sugar?” I growled, her words winding me tightly.
“Pull your head in, Op.” She jabbed me in the chest with her finger. “This girl, she was ready to give you everything. She didn’t care that being involved with you could put her life and future in danger. She would’ve risked everything to give you everything. Because to her, she would rather spend whatever time she had left feeling loved by you than spend the rest of her life wondering why or what she could have done differently.”
My fists clenched at my sides and I glared at Sugar, hoping that she would cower and run, but she just wasn’t the type. Sugar wasn’t scared of me, not that I wanted her to be. She wasn’t afraid to tell me what she thought, she never had been.
She glared straight back at me. “What would you do if she died right now? What if she was hit by a car? What if she dropped dead right now? Would you regret it then? Would you regret letting her walk out that door?”
Just the thought of something happening to her made my heart pound and the contents of my stomach threaten to spill all over the bedroom floor.
“Don’t tell me that your heart isn’t screaming at you to run out of this room, chase Chelsea down and beg her to come back,” she challenged.
“Of course, it fucking is. Didn’t you just hear me? I can’t fucking breathe without her.”
Sugar didn’t even flinch. You would have thought that there would even be a flicker of jealousy, but there wasn’t. Sugar wanted the best for me, just like I did her. I loved her, she’d raised my daughter mostly on her own even though I’d made sure money-wise, she was never struggling. She wanted me to be happy, and she saw that with Chelsea. It just showed what type of person she was, the amount of love she had in her heart.
“Then wake the hell up!”
“And risk her life because I couldn’t put my own selfishness to the side.” I shook my head. “No, not again.”
I had forced Sugar to leave and she was still here. Both she and Harlyn were safe because for the last five years I’d managed to keep a reasonable distance from them. In my mind, it was logical. I’d done it once to protect those I loved. I could do it again. Even if it meant that, I would never have Chelsea again. At least I’d know she was alive and could live her life. My heart disagreed, but I ignored it.
“Oh, for fuck’s sake. You’re a stubborn fucking asshole, you know that, right?”
The stupid thing was that I heard her. I knew what she was saying made sense. I knew that my dumb ass could be making a huge mistake.
I’ll just add it to the fucking list.
