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Rose made me take a long hot shower. It didn’t help. My body was numb—chilled straight through to the bone.
I always planned to walk at some point. I knew the club girl life wasn’t a be-all and end-all for me. I wanted to make something of myself. I wanted to help people and use my passions to make a difference, make a life for myself. I wasn’t sure how it was going to go. I’d never planned it out in my head, the words I would say when I finally left the club, but what I can say was that I never imagined it would be this way. The club had become so engrained in my heart.
The men—although my job there was different and unorthodox—I still cared for them. I loved them. They’d given me a place to belong when I thought I had none. When I was lost and wondering what my purpose was, why the world had cursed me with loneliness, they had given me a home.
Growing up in the system wasn’t easy. Some of the kids I’d met in homes had been there since they were babies. They didn’t know any different. All they knew were struggles and how to fight to get by.
But not me.
I didn’t remember much about when I was little, but the one thing I felt the strongest about my childhood before my parents were killed was love. I remembered how good it felt to have someone tuck me into bed at night. I remembered how my heart soared when my dad called me his little angel. I remembered how much I used to laugh and smile, and what it was like to have someone kiss your skinned knees when you fell. And I remembered how painful it was to have it all ripped away.
The feeling faded over time. Things became less visible in my mind and the memories became dim lights at the end of a tunnel, slowly slipping away until I thought they would be gone forever. I didn’t realize how dark my world had become because I was losing the reminders of how bright it could possibly be.
Optimus gave me back my light. He’d made me feel again. He made my heart remember how to beat and soar and slowly it began to fill again.
And now, here I was. Back in that tunnel that I’d grown to know so well. Watching the light slowly disappear down the line.
Rose placed a cup of coffee in my hands. It warmed them from the chill, but the rest of my body remained numb. She’d loaned me a soft fluffy robe and some other essentials while she threw my clothes in the dryer.
She took a seat beside me, her hands coming down to rest on my arm. “Talk, it will help.”
I shook my head. “I don’t even know what to say.”
“Say whatever the hell you want. Get angry, get upset, cry, scream. Whatever is going to make you feel better,” she said forcefully.
Her words inflated my punctured soul. “I just can’t stand the push and pull any longer. My head is spinning so fast I want to vomit. How can he be so tender and caring? Showing me pieces of him that he keeps hidden away, but he won’t claim me, won’t make us official.”
“What’s his reasoning?” she asked curiously.
I sighed, not sure how much I should share. I may no longer be a part of the club, but it didn’t mean I would disrespect them or share their secrets. “There’s a lot of shit going down with the club at the moment. Optimus feels like if people knew I was with him then I would be unsafe.”
To put it blandly.
Rose didn’t look surprised, even nodding her head gently. “You don’t agree with him?”
“It’s not that.” I knew this shit was serious, Op wouldn’t have taken this approach lightly. “I’m just sick of it, you know? I...I care about him. So God damn much. Being a club girl was all fine and dandy while there were no huge feelings involved. You’re single, you have fun, you screw guys and nobody gets hurt. People do it every day, I just happened to do it with a bunch of scary bikers.”
Rose laughed. “A bunch of sexier-than-your-average-men scary bikers.”
I smiled, the feeling almost a relief. “Exactly. I don’t know when for sure it hit me, but once I realized I felt more for him than just a warm body to heat my bed at night, things started to get too complicated.”
“You didn’t like seeing him with other girls?” she asked, tracing the rim of her coffee cup as she spoke.
I shook my head. “He was never with other girls. I knew he wasn’t, there was barely ever a night that we didn’t share a bed and that included nights we didn’t even have sex! A couple weeks ago Blizzard tried it on with me, but before anything happened Op appeared and dragged me off like a caveman.”
I saw her nose screw up. Blizzard was a hard man to decipher. He was cool, calm and collected most of the time, but Rose had somehow managed to ruffle his feathers.
“So really, you haven’t been a club girl for a long time now.”
I slumped in my chair. “I don’t know, Rose. I don’t know what I am, or what I was. That was the problem. The lines had become too blurred. I wasn’t asking to be an Old Lady, I’m independent, I’ve looked after myself for a long time now. I was just asking him to let me in.”
“All or nothing,” she said quietly. “I understand the concept.”
“He chose nothing,” I said dryly, feeling another twinge in my heart and tears threaten to spill after I’d fought so hard to contain them.
“He had his reasons and frankly, they are warranted. You know he cares about you.”
I swallowed back the lump that had formed in my throat, determined to not let this break me. “I think that’s what makes this even harder, knowing he cares and that he still let me walk away anyway.”
