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A lesson that I had obviously forgotten.
I felt like I’d ruined everything and destroyed the person she brought me up to be. Things were never meant to turn out this way, they were never meant to get this bad. And I only had myself to blame.
“I’m so sorry, Mama,” I whispered into the wind as I stared out at the small apartment. “I’m so sorry. I hate living like this, but I don’t know how to make it better. Please, if you’re listening, I need you to give me a chance to make it all better.” I looked up at the sky, clouds blocking the stars. I wished I could see them, maybe just for a little sign that she could hear me.
I sniffed and stepped back into the shadows as a car turned onto the street. I’d been there long enough. I scuffed my feet as I headed back to the hotel, my heart sunken and distressed. Losing my mom had sparked the search for my real dad, a dad my mother had spent my entire life hiding me from.
Unfortunately, I was too curious and the hole I found myself in was more like a grave.
When you’ve done the worst. When you’ve hurt people because of the choices you made. When you are falling and falling, and finding your footing seems impossible, where do you turn to?
Who do you turn to?
For the first time in my life, I wondered if this was it. Was this how I was meant to live? Regretting my life choices and never moving forward? Never having a family at my back?
If it was, maybe I had to consider whether this was how I wanted to live the rest of my life.
Because I don’t think I could.
