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Wrench had become something of a comfort, someone who made me feel good, made me feel normal. I’d blocked out most memories of that day, but I remember he’d sat with me for hours. Saying and doing nothing, just waiting until I was ready. Then he’d treated me like a princess… a fucking princess… not a freak, or an addict. He hadn’t called me names. Fuck! He’d barely even asked me questions, content to let me find myself again.
When we were together he made me laugh, made me feel like I could talk to him about anything, but most of all he made me feel this passion and excitement inside that I hadn’t felt in a long time. There were things I held back, things that only a handful of people knew about me. That was mostly to do with the way people would react when I told them the truth, the judgment and pity in their eyes or the fear of the unknown. It scared me, it honestly scared the ever loving crap out of me, but when I was with Wrench, it was the first time where I felt compelled to tell someone because I felt like maybe… I don’t know… that maybe he could possibly love me anyway.
He’d seen me at my worst, and he didn’t run.
But despite everything, I could feel myself changing. The decision to stay—moving from our safe space in the clubhouse, the sneaking around with Wrench, the lies, finding a school for Harlyn and my focus on developing my store and brand—had taken its toll. There was that feeling in my gut that things weren’t right, and when that came I knew it wasn’t good. Instead of acknowledging it and facing it head on, I pushed it to the side, more concerned with getting mine and Harlyn’s life together. With the shadows creeping in, the spotlight was on where exactly I’d gone wrong. I fought the nagging in the back of my brain for far too long, but I knew I couldn’t force it to stay there forever.
My life consisted of making it through every single day, taking it step by step and focusing on myself and my daughter. My fears and apprehensions were put to the side when Wrench was around. It was like they didn’t matter. It was like I knew he would accept me for me, everything else be damned. And for a long time, I really felt like that could be an unrealistic reality.
So I’d tipped the pills down the sink. What I didn’t take into consideration, was what would happen if Wrench walked away or was taken from me? What if Optimus tried to keep us apart? What if I refused to tell the club about us, and Wrench finally gave up on what we had?
Maybe I was being irrational. He said he would come back. But what if he started demanding answers, ones I couldn’t give him without letting him in, and showing him that side of me that had always been looked down on in disgust, the side that had always made me feel shame.
It was all a stupid mistake, and now I was falling.
I was back in the pit that I’d fought so hard to drag myself out of, and people were starting to notice. My living hell was coming back in full force, and I’d left it too long. There was nothing I could do to stop it.
The shadows were taking hold.
“Open your mouth,” Peter urged, his hand stroking my hair softly.
I eagerly followed his instructions, desperate to be given the reprieve he offered, the escape from my own mind.
He popped the small pill in and I swallowed it greedily. The effects of it were never instant, but as soon as I felt it travel down my throat my whole body relaxed. It was there now, and soon the manic chaos in my mind would leave, and I’d be okay.
Peter knew what he was doing, he’d worked for a long time in this business, he knew exactly what I needed and he stood by me. He understood what I was going through, and was willing to do whatever he had to do in order to make me feel better.
Some days were better than others, but on days like today where I was struggling to simply breathe, I’d begged him for the drugs. In a dark closed off part of my mind, I knew that I was quickly becoming an addict, but I refused to take notice of that tiny little voice that begged me to stop.
Just one more day. Just one more pill.
One more, I told myself, and then I’d be okay.
“I’m going to invite some friends around for dinner,” Peter told me as he helped me to lay back on the bed. “You won’t even know they’re here. Just relax, Annabelle.”
The way he said my name was so soft, so soothing. I could already feel my body beginning to melt, my senses becoming numb, my body felt like it was floating.
And my mind… blank.
That’s what I wanted.
I wanted to sink into the black abyss where there wasn’t so much noise.
“Annabelle...” I could hear my name being spoken. “I’ll make you feel good again.”
Please, I whispered in my head.
I just wanted to feel good again.
